How Is She Going To Eat It?

, , , , , , , , | Right | June 11, 2020

A coworker is on the phone with a lady ordering pizza. She can barely understand the customer; her voice is muffled.

Coworker: “Ma’am, are you wearing a mask?”

Customer: “Yes. I don’t want to get corona from you.”

I’m surprised that the lady didn’t want the pizza faxed to her.

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Keep Your Brain On Ice

, , , , , | Working | June 3, 2020

I’m ordering at a fast food restaurant.

Me: “…and a lemon-lime soda, no ice.”

It is a habit for me to order sodas without ice; I hate the way the carbonation is ruined. I know my wishes are often ignored, so I always check the drink. But this particular day, I’m lost in thought and when I get to the window to get my order, I simply can’t remember what I said.

Clerk: “Here’s your drink.”

Me: “Oh, nuts. Did I say, ‘no ice’?”

Clerk: “Yes, sir, you did.”

He handed me the drink and it was done right for a change. Thanks, dude, for getting it right even when I wasn’t sure myself.

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It’s The Little Things That Make All The Difference

, , , , , | Right | December 26, 2019

(It’s the day after Christmas. It’s late and near closing time at the big chain grocery store. Even though there is only about 5% of the customers that are normally there, all the staff look weary. I approach the cashier to check out.)

Me: “I bet you’re glad all the Christmas chaos is over.”

Cashier: “A little.”

Me: *laughing* “Just a little? Do you mean it’s just a little over or do you mean you’re just a little glad?”

Cashier: *after thinking for a moment* “A little of both.”

Me: “Touché.”

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Well, That’s A New One For The Books

, , , , | Right | November 23, 2019

(I’m a part-time bookseller at a local book chain. I’ve been working part-time for almost seven years at this store so I’ve heard it all, but this is the first time I’ve ever encountered this kind of stupid. We were told recently that we cannot leave our zones to help customers; instead, we should direct them to a customer service rep. A customer who’s about 18 or 19 walks up to the register where I am.)

Customer: “Hello.”

Me: “Hi there. How can I help you?”

(I notice she doesn’t have anything in her hands, and I think she wants a gift card, which happens a lot.)

Customer: “So, this is my first time here.”

Me: “Awesome! Welcome in. Are you looking for something in particular or a certain book?”

Customer: “So, do I just pick it out and then bring it back?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Customer: “Like, do I pick out what I want and you tell me when to bring it back?”

Me: “We’re a bookstore?”

Customer: “Yeah, so when do I bring these back?”

Me: *thinking that maybe she’s high* “Yeah, this is a bookstore. You purchase items here. Every item has a barcode which I scan up here and then you give me something of a monetary value to take home and keep. This isn’t a library.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought you were going out of business, so I thought I should get something free.”

Me: “I assure you that we aren’t going out of business, ma’am. Now, do you need help finding anything?”

Customer: *stomps foot* “WHY ARE YOUR LIGHTS ON IF I CAN’T GET FREE THINGS?!” 

(She then turned and stomped out the door.)

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Don’t Play Games With Me, Kid

, , , , , | Friendly | October 13, 2019

(I am attending my son’s graduation. As important as these are, they are long, dull affairs for those in the audience. I have just bought an iPod and I brought it along to keep myself amused. There’s a kid in front of me about 11 or 12. He turns around and sees me playing a game on the iPod.)

Kid: “Let me play!”

Me: *taken slightly aback* “Um, that would be no.”

Kid: “Why not? I’m bored. I want to play with it!”

Me: “Because I bought it to amuse me, not amuse you.”

(The kid glared for a moment, clearly trying to think of a rebuttal, and then realized I’m no pushover and turned back around. I returned to my game thinking, “Where are this kid’s parents? Now and for the last ten years of his life?”)

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