(I work the night shift, which is usually when the ridiculous stuff happens. You have to be 21 to rent a room at this hotel, because we offer complimentary drinks with every reservation. This conversation happens at about 4:30 in the morning.)

Young Man: “Is there any way I can get a room here tonight?”

Me: “Sure! Our rate is [price].”

Young Man: “Yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

(He hands over his ID, and I see that he’s only 19.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but you have to be 21 to rent a room here.”

Young Man: “Oh… Well, is there anything I can do about that?”

Me: “Er… I mean if you have someone 21 or over to check you in, but other than that, no.”

Young Man: “I mean, I have another ID…”

Me: “Dude, I already saw that you’re under 21. I could lose my job.”

Young Man: “Oh… Okay.”

(He wanders off towards the elevators. I have an idea that this isn’t over, so I keep an eye out. Sure enough, about ten minutes later, he and a young lady reappear and swiftly disappear into our pool area. The pool is closed, but there are bathrooms down there, too.)

Me: *over radio* “Front Desk to Security…”

(They had a fifteen-minute romp in the bathroom before security broke them up and gave them a stern talking-to about discretion. They were more embarrassed than anything, and the guy actually apologized to me on his way out the door. I almost felt bad for the c**k-block, but if another guest had found them I’d be the one getting the earful.)

The petstore I was working.at was having a special adoption week, and employees were encouraged to be festive. I decided to wear these cute cat ears with bows in my hair. A customer comes in with his young son, and proceeds to follow me around the store. Finally he walks up to me and i asks very creepily “hey if I pet you will you purr for me?” I was so uncomfortable I lied and said my manager just called me and good in the office.

Years ago, my wife and I were the target of a civil suit. When we arrived at the court for the first hearing, the lights in the courtroom were out and not a soul was in sight. We checked the date and location on our paperwork. We were in the right place at the right time. After some hunting we found the judge’s office and were ushered into his private chambers. Had we not done so, it would have been a judgment against us. The other lawyers were there and smirking, but apparently put out that we found the location of hearing. At the time it didn’t go well, but the plaintiffs made some nasty goofs and the whole issue was dropped. I would have forgotten about the whole issue but I mentioned the judge to a friend of mine I’ll call Waldo.

Waldo was a nut. I say this in a kind way. He was one of the infamous “advisers” in the early days of the Vietnam War. Later in life he became a major advocate for rights and freedoms. To say that he liked to stick it to “the man” was an understatement. One time he went as far as pulling over a cop to warn him of a taillight out. Another time he had the sheriff’s office raid a bank for failure to respect a warrant.

But when I told him about the judge, he said he knew exactly who that was. He was in the same office I was in and complained that the hearing wasn’t public. The judge smugly declared that the office was public. After the hearing, Waldo left and was halfway out of the building when he got a crazy idea. He headed back to the judge’s office, waltzed past his secretary, and barged right into the chambers where the next “public hearing” was taking place. The judge naturally blew his top and asked Waldo what he was doing, barging in like that. Waldo calmly answered that the judge himself had said that this was public. Infuriated, the judge had to tolerate his presence.

Thankfully, laws of Karma caught up with the judge and he was ousted for that nonsense, and a few other bits of malfeasance.

(I work in a hotel. A guest walks up to the front desk, complaining that his parking garage key isn’t working.)

Me: “I’m sorry your key has stopped working. Can I have your room number?”

(The guest gives me his information and waits for me to make a new key.)

Me: “Here you go, and just to be sure please swipe it like this—” *gestures how the machine is set up* “—and try to keep it away from your cell phone.”

(The guest has a large cell phone in his hand, which makes me think it got demagnetized.)

Guest: “Well, that is completely unreasonable!” *storms off*

Me: *thinking to myself* “Okay, but having to return again is not inconvenient for me, but only you.”

My husband and I are getting ourselves and our son ready to go to our nephew’s baptism. We tell our three-year-old, who has a language and social delay, that we are going to a place where we need to be quiet and use a calm voice while there. Our son looks at us and smiles, before screaming at the top of his lungs for four minutes.

While in the car, we reiterate the quiet and calm voice thing a few times, with somewhat better results. When we get to the church, our son is the first kid inside. The priest looks at him and tells him, “We walk in church.” Our son looks at him and bolts down the aisle, screaming happily.

As the nephew being baptised is on my husband’s side of the family, I quickly exit the church with my apparent demon-spawn in tow, and we spend the entire baptism playing on the playground nearby.