I was working computer tech support for a university when we received a call that a woman’s computer had been inserting random spaces into the documents that she was working on. An odd-sounding problem, we couldn’t diagnose it over the phone so one of the techs went over to see the problem firsthand.
The solution was to raise her office chair about one inch.
The problem? Her large breasts kept hitting the spacebar.
(I am attending my son’s graduation. As important as these are, they are long, dull affairs for those in the audience. I have just bought an iPod and I brought it along to keep myself amused. There’s a kid in front of me about 11 or 12. He turns around and sees me playing a game on the iPod.)
Kid: “Let me play!”
Me: *taken slightly aback* “Um, that would be no.”
Kid: “Why not? I’m bored. I want to play with it!”
Me: “Because I bought it to amuse me, not amuse you.”
(The kid glared for a moment, clearly trying to think of a rebuttal, and then realized I’m no pushover and turned back around. I returned to my game thinking, “Where are this kid’s parents? Now and for the last ten years of his life?”)
(I process payroll for a chain restaurant for a living. Part of my job is answering employee inquiries, ranging from “Can you help me set up my direct deposit?” to “I’m missing hours on my payroll.” I have a decent amount of experience, so it takes a bit to surprise me, but this is a gem that I’ve never received before. This is a call I get one Friday afternoon.)
Me: “[Company] payroll, how can I help?”
Employee: “Yes, hello? Is this payroll for [Restaurant]?”
Me: “Yes, it is. How can I help?”
Employee: “I need to cash my check but I don’t have the time to go to [Restaurant] to pick it up and then to the bank to cash it, so I was wondering, can I just go online and print the thing from there and take it to the bank?”
(I start internally troubleshooting. Is this a direct deposit? Maybe he got the information wrong in the system and wants to take his pay stub to the bank so they can see if they can find it?)
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand. What’s your name?”
Employee: “[Employee].”
Me: *logs into the system and pulls up the employee’s pay information* “I’m seeing that this was a live check, which means it would be at the store.”
(Then, it dawns on me.)
Me: “I’m sorry, are you asking if you can print out your pay stub and take it to the bank to try to cash it?”
Employee: “Yeah!”
Me: “Sorry, [Employee], that isn’t possible.”
Employee: “Why not?”
Me: “That just isn’t how it works. Our checks have special features on them that the bank needs in order to cash it.”
Employee: “Like what? What does it have that the pay stub doesn’t?”
Me: “Well, for one, it has the account number so they know which account to pull the funds. All payroll checks also have magnetic ink, which would be a big indicator of the pay stub not being valid. Also, the pay stub is just to show you how your check was calculated. It isn’t a check.”
Employee: *smacks teeth* “Man, how am I supposed to have money for the weekend?”
Me: “I don’t suppose you have mobile banking?”
Employee: “What is that?”
Me: “It’s basically an app for your bank that’ll allow you to deposit your check into your account from anywhere, so you could go pick up the check and mobile deposit it.”
Employee: “Can I do that with the pay stub?”
Me: “Unfortunately, no. It’s not a check, remember? What if you pick up the check and go to a check-cashing facility or a money center?”
Employee: “I can do that? I thought I could only do it with my bank?”
Me: “You sure can! I used to cash my checks at [Large Retail Chain]. There will be a fee, but it’s usually less than $10. Do you have a store or money center near you?”
Employee: “I do! That should work. Thank you for your help!”
Me: “No problem! I’m glad I could help. Have a great day!”
(I work at an industrial supply store in a small town. We sell all types of fasteners and our nearest competitor is about thirty miles away. Plenty of customers get cranky about buying package quantities and drive to our competitor.)
Customer: “I need some socket head bolts like this one, but in stainless steel and an inch longer.”
Me: “Okay, I have a pack of 25 in stock. It would be about $25 with tax, so around $1 each.”
Customer: “Well, that’s bulls***! I only need three of the d*** things. I don’t have no use for ‘extrees.’”
(This guy is pretty redneck.)
Me: “Yeah, but the way our inventory is set up I have to sell them by the package.”
Customer: “Ah, to h*** with that. I’ll drive over to [Competitor]; they’ll sell ’em ‘indivigel,’ like two bucks each.”
Me: “Okay, just so I understand, you’re going to take an hour round trip in your crew cab dually truck out there, getting maybe four miles per gallon, then pay twice the price per bolt, all because you don’t have a use for extras?”
(He stares me down silently for a few seconds, clearly doing some advanced arithmetic in his head.)
Customer: “Okay, f*** it. I’ll buy the package, but I’m throwin’ away the rest of ’em. I got no d*** use with ’em.”
Me: “All right, here you go. The receipt’s in the bag. Have an ‘extree’ nice day.”
(He didn’t find that last part nearly as funny as I did.)
Cashier: “What’s that?” *picking up the artichoke I have picked out*
Me: “It’s an artichoke.”
Cashier: “Ew! I don’t like artichokes.”
Me: “Literally ten seconds ago you didn’t know what it was. How would you know you don’t like them?”
Cashier: “I…” *pauses to try to come up with a plausible excuse* “…I don’t like green food.”
(I didn’t comment further, but I was thinking, “You have issues with lettuce and lime jello?”)
