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Much A-Gluten About Nothing, Part 2

, , , | Working | October 8, 2016

(I do all of my shopping at this store. While I’ve never worked here or even at a grocery in general, I know pretty much where everything is. Tonight, I’m in the Asian food section, with a worker next to me looking bewildered at a packet of instant rice noodles.)

Me: “Having trouble?”

Worker #1: “Oh! Eh, heh… yeah. I’m stocking, but I don’t know where this goes…”

(To be fair, the brand has most of its items in this aisle.)

Me: “Oh, well, I’m pretty sure those are actually in the gluten-free section, near the bread. It’s a little weird since they’re an Asian food, but they are gluten-free, too.”

Worker #1: “Really? You think?”

(Another worker walks by.)

Worker #1: “Hey, [Worker #2]! Where does this go?”

Worker #2: “It should go right there!”

(She comes over to look and is immediately confused by the absence of this product in this aisle.)

Worker #2: “Huh… but there’s a ton of stuff from this brand here.”

Me: “As I said, I’m pretty sure it’s in with the gluten-free stuff. But good luck!”

(I move on in my shopping, but on my way out of the store, [Worker] #1 spots me again.)

Worker #1: “Hey! It was in the gluten-free stuff! You were RIGHT!”

This story is part of our Celiac Awareness Day roundup!

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New Year, New Mom

, , , , | Related | December 26, 2013

(It’s just after midnight on New Year’s Day. I am trying to call my mom, who is at a work party.)

Mom: “Hello?”

Me: “Happy New Year, mom!”

Mom: “Happy New Year, sweetie!”

Me: “You having fun?”

Mom: “Yeah. It’s nice.”

Me: “I’m just hanging out. Watched the New York City ball drop.”

Mom: “Haha.”

Me: “Yeah. [Sister] went to bed hours ago. No fun there.”

Mom: “Huh? Wha…”

Me: “[Sister] went to bed… [Mom’s First Name]?”

Mom: “No! Who is this?”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I must have called the wrong number!”

Mom: “Hahaha! I thought you were my daughter calling home from college!”

Me: “Oh, my God! I thought your voice sounded off, but figured—”

Mom: “—it was just the phone line. Yeah!”

Me: “Well, Happy New Year, anyway! Nice meeting you!”

Mom: “Hahaha! Happy New Year to you!”

She Looked So Cute In Her Motherboard & Castle

, , , , | Working | June 15, 2012

(I’m making small talk with the hygienist before he starts cleaning my teeth.)

Me: “So, what did you do for Memorial Day?”

Hygienist: “Oh, my daughter graduated preschool posthumously. It was really fun.”

Me: *horrified* “What?! I think you mean a different word. ‘Posthumously’ means ‘after death’.”

Hygienist: “Oh! Yeah, nobody died.”

Me: “Thank God! I was about to start consoling you!”

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Zombies Need Retail Assistance Too

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2011

Me: “Hello. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m alive.”

Me: “That’s good. Find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yeah. Because if I wasn’t alive, I’d be dead. Or a zombie.”

Me: “I guess you would.”

Customer: “Do you like zombies?”

Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | May 21, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f****** banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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