Their Carpets Are Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(My father and I go to a “Doctor Who” shop in London, as we’re both big fans of the show. This happens as we’re going to check out.)

Clerk #1: “Hello!” *normal checkout conversation takes place*

Clerk #2: *on store phone, in background* “Hello? No, this is not the carpet shop. You must have copied the number wrong. We have not ever sold carpets; this is a sci-fi merchandise store! No carpets.”

(This phone conversation goes on for quite a few minutes, back and forth.)

Dad: *to [Clerk #1]* “Does this happen often?”

Clerk #1: “Yes, the carpet store is right next door; sometimes we get confused customers.”

Clerk #2: *hangs up phones* “One day I should, if they won’t believe me when I say we’re not a carpet shop, say, ‘Yes, you’re right; we’re the carpet shop. Can I have your name, address, and payment info?’ I wouldn’t actually do anything with it, but maybe wait until they complain about no carpets.”

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Their Brains Were Half-Off

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I decide to close my storefront and concentrate on other things. I put a big sign in the window that reads, “Grand Closing Sale!” Suddenly, I am getting lots of walk-in traffic, 90% idiots.)

Idiot #1: “So, everything’s half off?”

Me: “No, I’ve marked a lot of things down, but I can’t reduce the prices on the original artwork.”

Idiot #1: *pointing at original painting* “So, I can get this for half off?”

Me: “No. That’s not even marked down.”

Idiot #1: “Your sign says everything’s half off.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t.”

Idiot #1: “It does so; I just saw it.”

Me: *patient voice* “Step back out and read it again.”

Idiot #1: *rereads the sign* “Huh. I thought it did. So, how much will you sell me that for?”

Me: “$1,500.”

Idiot #1: “Why is that print so expensive?”

Me: “Because it’s not a print; it’s the original.”

Idiot #1: *tilts head thoughtfully, as though appraising the painting* “So… how much is it without the frame?”

Me: *having expected this* “$1,600. There’s a hundred dollar un-framing fee.”

Idiot #1: “Oh.” *wanders around for a while, then leaves*

(Later:)

Idiot #2: “Fifty percent off everything, eh?”

Me: “No. Just good prices on the prints and gifts.”

Idiot #2: “Not fifty percent off, like your sign says?”

(Later:)

Idiot #3: *looks around for a while and picks out some items* “I just love a half-off sale!”

Me: “Not everything’s half off.”

Idiot #3: “But your sign said…”

(And on, and on… for the entire month I was closing things out.)

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What Love-ly Service!

, , , , , | Working | March 23, 2020

(I am calling the bank to confirm some details. I have an effeminate voice, despite my gender, and someone with a masculine voice answers.)

Bank Company Representative: “[Bank] Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Me: “I need to ask some questions about a charge to my account.”

Bank Company Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”

(He confirms my account and identity details, and we go through the details I need to know. We prepare to wrap up the call.) 

Me: “Thanks for explaining that to me; you’ve been great.”

Bank Company Representative: “Is there any other way I can help you today?”

Me: “Nah, that’s all. Have a great day. Bye!”

Bank Company Representative: *got distracted* “Oh, uh, I love you.” 

(There was a gasp of horror and the representative hung up quickly. I couldn’t help but laugh, since I guess I sounded like his girlfriend. My wife also thought it was hilarious. I gave him a good rating when I got the survey questionnaire. He was a good employee, after all.)

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I Messed Up. Sue-shi Me.

, , , , | Romantic | March 23, 2020

(For my birthday, my gift request from my boyfriend is just a thoughtful, quality-time date. He doesn’t disappoint. We have a lovely time watching a movie together and then painting together at a local park. Afterward, he tells me there’s one last part of the date and we pull up to a small sushi restaurant in a shopping plaza. He looks excited as we do.)

Me: “Aw! I love sushi.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! Do you recognize it?”

Me: *confusedly* “Er… I came here once with [Friend]?”

Boyfriend: *still smiling at me* “Are you sure you weren’t here… with me? Like two and a half years ago?”

Me: “Oh! Are you talking about our first date?”

Boyfriend: *excitedly* “Yeah!”

Me: *looking around* ”Babe, this is not where we had our first date. We had our first date at [Sushi Restaurant twenty minutes away].”

Boyfriend: “WHAT?”

(To be fair, the names of the places were almost identical. And I thought it was hilarious.)

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Nothing But Cold Callers All Day

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(It’s been extremely hot lately and our ice machine is broken. Obviously, whenever someone orders cold drinks, we tell them that it’s impossible as politely as possible. A lady walks up to my counter with someone already on her trail waiting patiently in line.) 

Me: “Bonjour, Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh… Hi.” *staring at the menu* “I’ll get… a Frappe… with the…”

Me: *to avoid going any further* “Um, excuse me? Unfortunately, I can’t make smoothies right now since my ice machine is broken. Actually, I can’t make anything cold, sorry.”

Customer: “Oh! Well, then I guess I’ll get an iced coffee.” 

Me: “Er… well, I can’t. My ice machine is broken, unfortunately.”

Customer:Oh! Right! Well, I guess I’ll have to have an iced latte!”

(I feel like asking the woman if she is completely daft.)

Me: “Ma’am… please listen to me. We cannot make anything cold. No cold drinks, smoothies, or otherwise.” 

Customer: “Ew! Never mind, then!” 

(The girl leaves, and the person behind her, who’s been staring at our exchange the whole time, looks straight into my eyes.) 

Customer #2: “Um… Can I get an iced cappuccino?”

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