Customer: “What gives?! My friend told me you had a sale on Bud and Bud Light!”

Me: “We do! I can show you in the beer aisle—”

Customer: “—I’ve been there, and the only beer on sale is Budweiser!”

Me: “Uh… that’s right. Bud is Budweiser.”

Customer: “No! Budweiser is Budweiser, and Bud is Bud! I don’t want any s***ty Budweiser!”

The customer’s friend shows up and asks:

Customer’s Friend: “Did you get the Bud yet?”

Customer: “No! The only beer on sale is Budweiser!”

The customer’s friend gives him a look and tries to explain that they’re the same thing. He’s not getting it:

Customer’s Friend: “Come on, Larry… Don’t be this stupid twice…”

Customer: “Twice?”

Customer’s Friend: “This is you voting against the Affordable Care Act, not realizing it was the same as Obamacare all over again.”

Customer: “That… that was different!”

Customer’s Friend: *To me.* “We’re good from here. Thanks for your help.”

I smile, nod, and walk away to the sound of the customer arguing, saying things like, “for one thing they didn’t even SOUND the same!”

I drive a small white van, about the same size as an average car, which carries less than a tonne. Think Volkswagen, Renault, Citroën, etc. You often see them used as delivery vans, but I bought mine because it was the only vehicle that would fit my ninety-kilogram Great Dane.

It is the day before Good Friday, so I drive down to the docks to buy some fish. Our town has a couple of fishmongers and several fish punts (floating shops that sell fish).

By some wonder and miracle, there is a parking space directly in front of one of the punts. I park and get out of the van.

Without warning, a man comes storming toward me.

Kevin: “Where the f****** h*** have you been? I’ve been waiting half an hour for you!”

Me: “What?”

Kevin: “The fish! The f****** fish! Just get it unloaded. We have customers waiting!”

Me: “Mate, I don’t have any fish.”

Kevin: “Don’t mess me around. Just unload your stuff.”

Me: “Look, I don’t have any fish.”

Kevin: “Oh, for f***’s sake!”

He marches to the back of my van and opens the door.

Kevin: “What the f***? Where’s the fish?”

Me: “I don’t know, mate. You tell me.”

Kevin splutters incoherently for several seconds. Then another van pulls up. It is almost identical to mine, except for the large logo on its side suggesting that it actually belongs to the fishmonger.

The driver leans out of his window.

Driver: “Hey, boss! Sorry I’m late! There was a crash on the highway. Can you help me unload?”

Kevin slinks away without offering me an apology, leaving me to do my shopping in peace.

Somehow, I got on the email list for a player in the NBA (National Basketball Association, professional basketball).

For months, I tried to get it to stop by replying to the sender with:

Me: “This can’t be for me; please get the correct email address and remove mine.”

But it never worked. I kept getting those emails, so I eventually changed my approach. If the email was:

Email: “So-and-so won’t be at practice today because of a dentist’s appointment.”

I’d reply to all with:

Me: “That’s fine with me; I won’t be there either.”

Email: “Do you know so-and-so’s schedule for Atlanta”

Me: “Why are you asking me? I don’t even like Baseball.”

And so on.

The emails stopped after the third or fourth time.

Related:
Email Fail, Part 56
Email Fail, Part 55
Email Fail, Part 54
Email Fail, Part 53
Email Fail, Part 52

Caller: “Why do I have a past-due fee on my bill?”

Me: “Because you’re past due on your payment.”

Caller: “And why do I have an overlimit fee on my bill?”

Me: “You’re not gonna believe this…”

I got a slap on the wrist for how I ended that call, but some people’s obliviousness brings it out of me.

Customer: “Y’all sell chicken?”

Me: “Sir, the place is called Cluckers.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “The logo has a chicken on it.”

Customer: “You gonna answer me, boy?”

Me: “Yes, we sell chicken. Almost exclusively chicken.”

At first, I thought he was trolling me, but then he went ahead and ordered the shrimp taco, so now I’m sure he was.