Not Too Chicken To Ask

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(I work at a semi-large fast food chain. Like most restaurants, our menu has large pictures of the food in each combo. We have multiple kinds of burgers, chicken nuggets, chicken strips, grilled and crispy chicken sandwiches, fish, etc. A couple is next in line, but they back away to take more time to decide, and I help the next people in line. After LITERALLY ten minutes of looking at the menu, they finally come up to order:)

Girl: “Hey, do you guys have chicken?”

An Orchestra Of Confusion

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(Our theatre has one auditorium, [Hall], with two levels: orchestra and balcony. When taking tickets, I routinely have these conversations with patrons:)

Me: “Okay, you’re upstairs in the balcony, nearest—”

Patron: “WE ARE NOT IN THE BALCONY! WE ARE IN [HALL]!”

Me: *politely* “Yes, the balcony section of [Hall].”

Patron: *snatches ticket back and storms up the stairs*

(Another example:)

Patron: *rushing up in a panic* “The sign says ‘orchestra’ above the door to the theatre! We don’t want to watch the orchestra; we want to see the play! We paid to see the play!”

Me: *politely* “Yes, you will be able to see the play. Your seats are simply on the first level of the auditorium.”

Patron: “Oh. But if the orchestra blocks our view, can we get a refund?”

Me: *picking my battles* “This play doesn’t have an orchestra. I’m sure you’ll be fine, but please let the staff know if there are any problems.”

(Another example: seeing, “ORCH,” short for “orchestra,” on their ticket, a patron asks, completely serious:)

Patron: “Does ‘orch’ mean there’s an orchard in there?”

A Gratuitous Circuitous Route To Gratuity

, , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(The gift certificates sold at our establishment can be purchased for a specific spa service or package, but can also be used as dollar value in case the recipient does not want to redeem the service or package picked out for them by the purchaser.)

Customer: “I would like to use this gift certificate to pay for my service.”

Me: “Certainly. You are aware that by using this as your method of payment, the gift certificate is no longer redeemable for the full package of services that was picked out when it was purchased?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, you have a $60 balance remaining on your gift certificate for you to use next time.”

Customer: “Is there gratuity included on there?”

Me: “There is a remaining balance you are welcome to use towards gratuity.”

Customer: “No. Is there gratuity?”

Me: “You opted to use the gift certificate for a different service than was originally purchased, that was less money. You have a remaining balance on your gift certificate you can apply towards gratuity.”

Customer: “IS. THERE. GRATUITY. ON. THE. CARD?”

Me: “Ma’am, this is equivalent to someone picking you out a gift certificate for a laptop and you choosing to buy a sweater instead, but then inquiring if the mouse comes with the sweater.”

Customer: “ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS IF THERE IS GRATUITY ON MY GIFT CERTIFICATE!”

Me: *long pause* “No.”

Customer: “Well, it took you a while, but it looks like you finally got me my answer.”


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Maybe You Should Belt It Out Louder

, , , , , , | Working | August 8, 2018

(The immigration office requires visitors to undergo a security screening of all bags and miscellaneous items like phones, wallets, etc., similar to an airport screening procedure. I enter the building first; my husband comes in to join me after having found a place to park.)

Security Worker #1: “Put your bags, keys, phone, wallet, and belt in the tray.”

Husband: *places his bag, keys, phone, and wallet in the tray*

Security Worker #1: “Make sure your belt is in the tray.”

Husband: “I don’t have a belt.”

Security Worker #1: “You need to put it in the tray.”

Husband: “There’s no belt.”

Security Worker #1: “No belt?”

Husband: “No belt.”

Security Worker #1: *confused, looks again in tray* “The belt needs to go in the tray.”

Husband: *lifting his sweater and displaying the drawstring* “I have this. I don’t need a belt.”

Security Worker #1: *stares* “No belt?”

Husband: “No belt.”

Security Worker #1: “Okay, go through.”

Husband: *continues to the metal detector, manned by [Security Worker #2]*

Security Worker #2: *looks in tray* “Did you make sure to take your belt off?”

Husband: “I have no belt.”

Security Worker #2: *somewhat incredulously* “No belt?”

Husband: “No belt.”

Security Worker #2: *to [Security Worker #1]* “No belt?”

Security Worker #1: “No belt.”

(As it turns out, we need some extra documents to process our request, so we go home to retrieve said documents. Upon our return, I have my husband wait outside and opt to leave almost everything with him in order to simplify the screening process. I enter the building carrying only my phone, wallet, and the requested paperwork. I place these three items in the tray.)

Security Worker #3: “Your keys, too, ma’am.”

Me: “I don’t have keys.”

Security Worker #3: “Your keys.”

Me: *thinking maybe I somehow misheard* “Did you say my keys, or…?”

Security Worker #3: “Your keys. Like your car keys? They need to go in the tray.”

Me: “I’m not carrying any keys.”

Security Worker #3: “No keys?”

Me: “I didn’t bring any with me today. I have no keys on me.” *patting down empty pockets for emphasis*

(Pause.)

Security Worker #3: “No keys?”

Me: *sigh*

They Think You’re The Umbrella Corporation

, , , , | Right | August 8, 2018

(I work in a store that carries all sorts of things, but not always what people are hoping for. Generally people check with us, and thank us for helping even if we don’t have what they are looking for.)

Customer: “Hi, do you have umbrellas?”

Me: “Umbrellas? No, I haven’t seen any since I started working here.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, we’re all going to look, anyway!”

Me: “Okay…”

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