They Are What Is Wrong With Signs, Personified

, , , , | Right | April 13, 2018

(Our store has a separate counter for plumbers and electricians. One Saturday I am covering this counter when an older man comes in.)

Me: “Are you registered with us, sir?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you a qualified plumber or electrician?”

Customer: “No.”

(I check the public counter; it’s empty.)

Me: “Sir, this is a counter for tradesmen in plumbing and electrics. If you go through that door on the left you’ll go to the public counter.”

Customer: *irate* “I came here to buy electrics! Your front door is misleading!”

Me: “Sir, it says, ‘Plumbers & Electricians,’ not, ‘Plumbing & Electrics.'”

A Stabbing Realization Of Who Is The Favorite

, , , , , , | Related | April 13, 2018

(My family and I have just moved into a new house and are unpacking. My mother gives me some outdoor lights to put on the pathway to the porch.)

Me: *looking at the stakes on the lights* “Hey, [Brother], are you a vampire?”

Brother: “No… Why?”

Me: “I don’t know… Maybe I have to make sure.” *mimes stabbing someone in the heart*

Brother: “I’m not a vampire!”

Me: “I have to be sure!”

Brother: “Go away!”

Me: “Mom, [Brother] won’t let me stab him!”

Mom: *distracted* “[Brother], let your brother stab you.”

Mousing Around The Office

, , , | Working | April 13, 2018

(Our office sometimes allows third parties to rent one of our spare offices. In that office there’s a computer, a big screen, a mouse, a keyboard — pretty much all you need to “plug and play.” I’m the receptionist today.)

Client: “Excuse me, but I can’t find the keyboard and mouse to control the computer.”

Me: “That is odd. There should be a set there.”

Client: “I looked into the cabinets, but I couldn’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see what I can do. *walks along* “If I can’t find anything, you can use this cable to hook things up with your own laptop.” *turns around* “Or… do you mean that keyboard, in the middle of the table? With the mouse next to it?”

Client: *falls silent for a moment* “I even put my things right next to it.”

(I wished the client good luck with his presentation and let him know where our coffee machine was, in case he couldn’t use a cup… or a mug.)

The Order Doesn’t Have A Sheen To It

, , , , , | Working | April 13, 2018

(I’ve ordered a hamburger and onion rings in a cafeteria inside a supermarket. I pay for it, the cashier writes my name on the order, and I go find a table. For the purpose of this story, let’s say my name is Sheena. After a few minutes, I see a cafeteria worker walking around the tables with a hamburger and onion rings looking for a “Shane.” No one is answering. When she reaches my area:)

Me: “Could that possibly be for Sheena?”

Worker: “No, it says, ‘Shane.’”

(She heads back to the kitchen. The guy at the next table has been watching all this, so I comment:)

Me: “I bet you that was my order.”

(Over the next ten minutes or so, I hear the workers in the kitchen occasionally saying something about “Shane,” and then an announcement over the intercom saying that if there’s a Shane in the store, could he please come to the cafeteria. A few minutes later, the cashier who originally took my order marches into the seating area, comes over to me, and asks:)

Cashier: “Are you Sheena?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She rolls her eyes, hands me my order, and stalks off back to the kitchen.)

Me: *to the guy at the next table* “Told you that was my order.”

Need To See It To Believe It

, , , , , | Working | April 12, 2018

(I’m 5’3″, and while I’m not the shortest person at work, I still tend to get overlooked… a lot. This happens in a single shift. The manager calls a store meeting. I take my place on the floor next to several other employees. I am sitting right in front of where she is standing.)

Manager: “Where’s [My Name]? [MY NAME]!”

Me: “I’m right here, [Manager].”

Manager: “Oh.”


Manager: “And [My Name], go to aisle [number] and start pulling down overstock.”

(I’m in the aisle, digging through a box when the manager looks down my aisle and bellows over the radio:)

Manager: “[My Name]! I told you do go to Aisle [Number]!”

Me: *standing five feet away, straight down the aisle from where she’s standing* “What the heck do you think I’m doing?!”

Manager: “Oh. I didn’t see you.”

Me: *annoyed* “Obviously.”

(Even later…)

Manager: *bellowing into the walkie-talkie* “[My Name]! You’re supposed to be helping in the framing department!”

(I am up a ladder, handing a box of overstocked frames down to my coworker. We’re both less than three feet away.)

Me: “G**d*** it, [Manager]!”

Manager: “Oh, there you are.”

Me: “Grr…”

Coworker: “Maybe you’re like the elf who helps out the cobbler. You know, never seen, but always gets the job done?”

Me: “I wouldn’t mind so much if it didn’t get me yelled at!”

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