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That Doesn’t Fly With Any Level Of Reality

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2025

My Aunt has been a travel agent for over forty years. She has some far-fetched stories which I refused to believe until I became a travel agent myself. This is one of them.

My aunt had a new client come in and book herself a flight overseas in the late 1980s. Immediately, this client was very demanding and frighteningly specific in her needs. She had never travelled before, but had an event she had to attend.

Client: “So, can you tell me what aircraft I’ll be flying? And how big are the seats? Do I really need a passport to go to France? And it needs to be a smoking flight, but none of those cheap brands, and how many bags can I take? Can you make sure they will take proper American money? Will they be speaking foreign? Do I need to take my own toilet paper? All these countries are so backwards. And…”

My Aunt ended up writing everything down – where to go in the airport, flight times, airlines, who to ask if you get lost, parking, how to go through security, how to request a seat, how long she had to be there beforehand, what the meals would likely be, how long the flight was. Everything.

Well… almost everything.

The day after the flight was due to depart, my aunt receives a hysterical phone call from the client.

Aunt: “Hello [Travel Agency], how can we help?”

Client: “It’s [Client] and I want my money back! You’ve ripped me off! How dare you do this to me!”

Aunt: “What happened? Where are you?”

Client: “I’m at home! The flight never came!”

Aunt: “Was the flight delayed? I can ring the airline now and find out what happ—”

Client: “No, they never picked me up!”

Aunt: “What do you mean? You didn’t book transfers as you said you would get to the airport yourself?”

Client: “The plane never picked me up! I waited on the sidewalk all day, and they never came!”

Aunt: “What?! The flight doesn’t pick you up from home? This is why I gave you directions to the airport, where to park—”

Client: “I threw all that parking stuff out because I have paid for a flight! They should be picking me up!”

Yup, the client was convinced that the 747 would just land on her driveway and she would embark from there. No amount of convincing from my aunt, her manager, the owner, the airline representatives, or anyone else would convince the client that planes don’t collect from any houses anywhere. When the client was asked if she had seen any other planes land on her street, the client asserted that no one else flew!

She did not get a refund.

When The Current Generation Gives You Very Little Hope For The Next One

, , , , , | Related | June 6, 2025

My brother-in-law is the typical youngest child; always wanting to copy his older brother.

My husband moves into his own condo, he talks about getting his own condo. My husband gets a VR headset, he decides to get a VR headset. My husband takes up archery, he decides to buy his own bow. We buy a house, suddenly he is in the market for a house. 

In some ways, it is kind of cute. In other ways, this is a grown adult with a fully developed prefrontal cortex we are talking about…

Ever since he has found out that we are expecting, he (a twenty-eight-year-old cis man) has decided he is going to have a kid and planning out all the things he plans to do with “it” and watching “it” grow up to be “just like me, a mini-me if you will.” (Quoting him here.)

There is just an itty-bitty problem with this: he does not have a willing womb. In fact, he has been (in)voluntarily (cel)ibate for a few years at this point. But details aren’t important! Those are for schmucks.

Cue every family event for the next seven months, him talking about how he is going to raise this non-existent kid and what a great dad he is going to be! 

Again, with what kid, I don’t know. Mine isn’t available for testing, and she isn’t a toy that he can demand his brother share with him. But he is adamant he is going to be a dad and a great one!

And then on the day of the birth, he drops this amazing line in the family group chat for all to see:

Brother-In-Law: “So you aren’t going to be able to play [Online Game] tonight?”

Now you absolute tw*t! Your brother’s wife is in the middle of labor! He doesn’t have time to play with you! 

If artificial wombs ever become a thing in the way that tech bros want to use them, his future child is in big trouble.

Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 8

, , , , , , , , | Right | May 31, 2025

It is a very politically charged early 2025, and lots of buzzwords are being spat out of the foaming mouths of politicians, such as ‘due process’ and ‘illegal immigrants.’

A customer has paid, and admittedly, I gave him the wrong change.

Customer: “Hey! This should be five, not a one!”

Me: “So sorry! The one must have been accidentally placed in the five drawer. Let me fix that for you.”

Customer: “F****** immigrants! Learn how to count in English!”

Me: “I’m not an—”

Customer: “—not that it matters a d***! Deportations for all y’all soon!”

Me: “Thankfully, I’m not an immigrant, and last time I checked, we still had due process, so I think I’m good. You have a good day now.”

My polite attempt to get this guy out of the store goes over his head, and instead, he doubles down.

Customer: “If you’re here illegally, the only due process you get is deportation, f***er!”

Me: “Okay, prove I’m here legally without due process.”

Customer: “Don’t have to if you’re an illegal!”

Me: “That’s a circular argument, and the Fifth and Fourteenth amendments disagree with you. You… have… a good day… NOW!”

Customer: “Can’t wait until they f****** deport your Mexican a**.”

Me: “I’m Hopi you dumb f***. Where you gonna deport me to, my backyard?”

When this idiot realized his racism hit a wall (none of them know how to process racism when confronted with a non-white person who has a stronger claim to the land than they do) he finally took my advice and continued with his day.

Related:
Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 7

Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 6
Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 5
Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 4
Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 3

Just Stop Thinking And Enjoy The Chocolate

, , , | Right | April 30, 2025

I am the head cake decorator for a grocery store chain, and if anyone in retail can tell you, there really is such a thing as a stupid question. I was behind the counter, cleaning in prep for going home, when a woman stood at my cake case and held up a slice of tres leches cake.

Customer: “Is this caramel or maple on this slice?”

Me: “Neither, ma’am, it’s chocolate.”

Customer: “No. It can’t be chocolate.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because it’s brown.”

Me: “So is chocolate.”

Customer: “No, chocolate is chocolate.”

Me: “And what color is chocolate?”

Customer: “Brown.”

Me: “Yesss!”

The woman looked at me, then examined the slice of cake and just crammed it back into the case and casually walked away.

Lorem Whoopsum, Part 2

, , , , , , | Working | April 9, 2025

I built a website for one of our satellite campuses in Yuma, Arizona. Upon the site being released, my boss ran into my cubicle shouting:

Boss: “You forgot to remove that stupid text!”

Me: “What text?”

Boss: “The test text! The Lorem Ipsum stuff you use for testing fonts! Get rid of it quick!”

He then showed me the page.

Me: “That’s Spanish.”

He stared at the screen, then at me, and then at the ceiling for some reason, and then he walked off silently.

Related:
Lorem Whoopsum