Getting Their Smoke Signals Crossed

, , , , | Related | December 2, 2019

(I am visiting my parents. All of my husband’s side of the family lives in Colorado, as well. I’m not fully paying attention to the conversation as I am getting my daughter ready to leave and go home.)

Dad: “Does anyone on the [Family] side have a smoker?”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Well, none of the family smokes but I don’t know about [Brother-In-Law], [Other Brother-In-Law], and [Sister-In-Law]’s families.”

Dad: *gives me a strange look* “Sweetheart, what do you think I’m talking about?”

(I look up at him, confused, and make a cigarette-smoking motion.)

Dad: *laughs* “No.”

(Even more confused, I make a joint-smoking motion.)

Dad: “Noooo!”

(Now very confused, I make a vaping motion.)

Dad: “[My Name]!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

Dad: “I meant a grill smoker. Like for turkeys!”

Me: “Ohhhhh… Yes, [Father-In-Law] has one.”

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I Wouldn’t Bank On It, Honey

, , | Right | December 2, 2019

(I work in a bank inside a larger retailer. This place is very obviously a bank. The word “bank” is in our name. You can’t look at any wall without seeing a poster with the word “bank,” and if you’re not looking at a wall, you’ll see dozens of pamphlets advertising checking and loan products. A customer comes up to our counter before we open as my coworkers and I are counting our drawers.)

Customer: “Can I get my nails done here?”

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Home Aloned For The Holidays

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

(My family gathers for Thanksgiving, and when we finish dinner we all load up in cars and do the Black Friday shopping at a certain retailer that likes to start early. We have a game plan and everyone knows what to get. This year it’s me, my brother, sister, best friend, uncle, mom, and nana. We get everything and they tell me to walk around so I don’t see what they get me. My friend is still with them when my nana tells me to ride home with my uncle to make it to work on time. In the confusion of everything, this happens. My phone rings and it’s my friend.)

Friend: “Hey, can you take me home?”

Me: “Isn’t [Sister] going to take you home?”

Friend: “Well, yeah, but the car was full, so she told me to ride with Nana, but Mom and Nana already left.”

Me: *speechless* “They already left? Is [Sister] gone now?”

Friend: ”Yeah, they’re gone now.”

Me: “Dude. This is going down for funniest holiday mishap. I’m at the grocery entrance. I can’t believe they home-aloned you!”

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Food For Forretress

, , , , | Right | November 29, 2019

(I’m in my late twenties and at a fast food restaurant with my fiancée. We’re ordering, and I realize that they have Pokémon toys with kids’ meals.)

Me: “I’d like a kids’ meal, please, with the Pokémon toy.”

Cashier: “What kind of kids’ meal?”

Me: “Pokémon!”

Cashier: “What kind of meal?”

Me: “Pokémon?”

Fiancée: “No, do you want a burger or chicken or what?”

Me: “Oh. Cheeseburger.”

(We all had a good laugh about that. Guess I’m just that excited about Pokémon!)

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Make Up For It On Black Pie-Day  

, , , , , , | Related | November 28, 2019

My grandparents have owned a shop in a small tourist town on the Texas coast for 28 years, two years longer than I’ve been alive.

While the shop has a gift shop portion, our main attraction is our homemade fudge, brittle, divinity, pralines, canned goods, and other sweets. We also offer cakes, pies, and breads by special order. My grandma makes all the candies, while my grandpa bakes all the cakes and things. 

As you can imagine, we’re slammed the week leading up to Thanksgiving. My grandparents spend days baking and making candy while my mom and I work at the shop to give them the time they need to make the special orders. 

Thanksgiving rolls around, and everyone shows up for Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house. This year, it’s my grandparents, me, my daughter, my dad and stepmom, my mom, and one of my uncles. Everything is going great, and the food is as amazing as ever. But then we get to dessert… 

My grandparents were so busy baking and making candy for everyone else, they both thought the other had made pies. They had even asked each other what they had made, and both answered orders for someone else, not paying attention to what the other was saying.

At least the rest of dinner was amazing!

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