Signs: Gotta Hand It To Them

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2019

(The self-checkouts at my store are notoriously moody. They’re all meant to accept both cash and card as payment, but more often than not, at least one of them decides it won’t accept cash anymore for whatever reason. When this happens, we put a sign up informing customers that it’s only taking card until we can work out how to appease it. As I’m sure anyone who’s ever worked in retail would know, though, people don’t notice signs. Over time, we add more and more signs. At the time of this story, we’ve taken to putting about four signs on a broken register, including one that completely covers the place customers would usually insert their cash, literally blocking them from inserting any money into the machine. You think this would be enough, right?)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “The machine won’t accept my money.”

(I look to see the customer holding up the “EFT only — no cash” sign that was covering the cash slot with one hand while trying to force in a $20 note with the other.)

Me: “I’m sorry, this machine is cash only.”

Customer: “Oh, really? Where does it say that?”

Me: “On that sign you’re holding up.”

(The customer lets go of the sign, which flops back down into place, and proceeds to read it for the first time.)

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t notice.”

Doo Hickey 3.0

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2019

(A customer is in the store with her two early-teenaged grandkids.)

Customer: “I need one of those… those thumb things… You know… thumb something.”

Me: “A thumb drive?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

(I grab one and hold it up.)

Me: “We have these promotional ones here, and the rest are in aisle two.”

Customer: “No, that’s not what I want!”

Me: “Oh, sorry, what are you looking for?”

Customer: “A thing for my phone! I want to plug my phone into my computer!”

Me: “Then you need the cord. You should have one already that came with your phone, unless you would like an extra one.”

Customer: “Oh, right, yeah. I have a cord already, but I need the doohickey so I can plug it into my computer.”

Me: “You don’t need anything extra to plug it into your computer; it will just plug into the USB port.”

Customer: “No, it won’t.”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Granny, yes, it will! We told you the same thing!”

Customer: “No, it won’t! I know what I need!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure what it is you’re looking for, because your cord will plug directly into the computer.”

Customer: “No, I know it won’t!”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Yes, it will!”

Customer: “Just show me what I need to plug it into the computer!”

(The grandkids are sighing and rolling their eyes at this point, looking embarrassed.)

Me: “I assure you, you don’t need anything extra, just the cord.”

Customer: “No! Nope! I know I do!”

Me: *being very firm* “No, you don’t.”

(Her grandkids are now shaking their heads and laughing.)

Me: “Here, I’ll show you.” *grab a cord and walk over to a computer, turning it around so that she can see, and I plug the cord into the computer* “See? This part here goes into the computer, and the other end goes into your phone. That’s all you need to save things from your phone to your computer.”

Customer: “No, I need something extra! A doohickey.”

Customer’s Grandkids: “But she just showed you! It plugs right in!”

Customer: “Well, I’m old! I don’t know anything about technology! What if I want to save it to a thumb drive after? Then I need a doohickey for my phone.”

Me: “No, then you just plug a thumb drive into the computer and copy the files over.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t know how to do that!”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Granny, it’s fine; we’ll show you how to do that.”

(The customer goes off to find a flash drive and one of the grandkids stays up with me.)

Grandkid: “So, how’s your day going?”

Me: “Good, thanks… And yours?”

Grandkid: *pause* “Interesting.”

Needs To Have Another Baby Talk

, , , , | Healthy | April 10, 2019

(My husband and I are very excited to expect our first child, but we sadly lose the baby just before Christmas. I am scheduled for a D&C the next day. The nurse takes me back to the bed to get changed and this happens.)

Nurse: “When was your last menstrual period?”

Me: “Uh… like three months ago?”

Nurse: *handing me a cup* “Okay, the bathroom is right in there; we’re going to need a urine specimen.”

Me: “That’s really not…”

Nurse: “When you come back, put on the gown, opening in front, and put all your clothes in this bag.”

(She heads off to do something else.)

Husband: “Does she not know why you are here?”

(My urine sat on a table for the next three hours until I was wheeled into the operating room. I did not see that nurse again the entire time I was there, and everyone else was smart enough to offer condolences instead of asking me to take a bloody pregnancy test!)

The PIN Key Is Low Key

, , , , | Right | April 8, 2019

(I’m attending to the self-checkout station. The PIN pad on one of the machines has crashed while a customer was trying to pay. I move her onto a different one, and I am about to close it when I realize a line has started to form. I decide to leave it open so those with cash will still be able to use it. The next customer to go up — before I even have the chance to put a sign up — begins his order. He’s wearing headphones and it is difficult to get his attention.)

Me: “Sir. Excuse me.”

Customer: *no response*

Me: *a little louder* “Sir, are you planning on using cash or a card?”

Customer: *takes one earbud out*

Me: “Sir, are you paying with cash or card? “

Customer: *presses the start button, doesn’t respond*

Me: “Sir, how are you paying?”

Customer: “What’s your problem? I don’t understand why you’re bothering me.”

Me: “If you’re paying with a card, you’ll have to use another machine. The PIN pad is down.”

(At the end of his order, he told me to “be more low-key.” Maybe he should have just answered the first time if he was using a card; I wouldn’t have needed to repeat myself.)

It’s Going To Be A Long Week That Lasts Two Months

, , , , | Healthy | April 8, 2019

(It is currently the beginning of April and this patient needs an appointment.)

Me: “Our next available is mid-June.”

Patient: “Okay, go ahead and schedule me for next Thursday.”

Me: “Our next available is mid-June.”

Patient: “I can’t schedule now; just schedule me for next Thursday.”

Me: “If you can’t schedule right now, that’s fine, but we are booking out until mid-June.”

Patient: “Okay, I’ll call back and schedule for next Thursday.”

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