We Can Interpret From This That They Really Need Their Spring Break

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 10, 2019

(My roommate and I are in separate rooms while talking. We’re both in our late twenties or early thirties, but we have a running joke that we’re going deaf because of frequent exchanges like these.)

Roommate: “Only eleven days until spring break!”

Me: *with my head in the refrigerator, looking for a snack* “I’m so ready. Why can’t it be next week?!”

Roommate: *pause* “Did you just say, ‘Why do you hate me?’”

Me: *standing up and looking through the door at him* “No. I said, ‘Why can’t it be next week?'”

Roommate: “Oh.” *another pause* “I just had my urine checked last year, and it was fine.”

Me: *staring at him, trying to figure out what that has to do with anything, then it clicks and I start cracking up*

Roommate: “What?!”

Me: “I thought you said you had your urine checked instead of your hearing!” *still dying of laughter*

Roommate: “Oh, my God.” *shouts to his boyfriend, who is an American Sign Language interpreter* “Hey, babe! We’re gonna need your interpreting services a lot sooner than we originally thought!”

Customers Get Icy Over Anything

, , , , , | Right | January 23, 2019

(I am another customer in line behind this… interesting customer at a popular coffee shop.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a tall mocha and the lemon pound cake.”

Barista: “Okay, so, I’ve got one tall mocha and the iced lemon pound cake! Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “No! No! No! I don’t want my lemon pound cake served on ice! I just want it regular, out of the case here!”

Barista: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, I must have not said it right; the lemon pound cake has a thin icing on it, and it’s officially called ‘iced lemon pound cake.’ It’s not served over ice or anything.”

Customer: “Well, you should change the f****** name! It’s misleading! I haven’t had my coffee yet, and neither has anyone else here! How can we be expected to know that?!”

Barista: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I understand what you’re saying. Sadly, I don’t have control over the names of our products, since that is decided by corporate.”

Customer: “That’s not my f****** problem! I deserve it free now!”

Barista: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “F*** you, then!”

Going Toe To Toe With Payday

, , , , , | Right | December 9, 2018

(I am working the reception desk at my vet clinic. Our policy is to not schedule appointments for clients who have large outstanding bills. I am relatively inexperienced at appointment scheduling, and I really should have asked the client’s name before telling her what we had available. This happens on a Wednesday. The phone rings.)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi. My cat may have injured his toe; do you have any openings on Saturday?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we are closed this Saturday, but we do have an opening on Monday morning at eight o’clock.”

Client: “I’ll take it.”

Me: “Great. Can I have your name, please?”

Client: “It’s [Client].”

(I pull up her account and see that she has an outstanding balance of well over $1000. Someone even flagged her account to make sure we don’t provide any more services to her until she pays us.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we unfortunately cannot schedule an appointment for you until you pay off a significant portion of your balance.”

Client: “I’m going to make a payment on Friday.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t schedule you until that payment is made.”

Client: “But I don’t get paid until Friday, and by then, that Monday opening will be taken!”

Me: “While that particular appointment may be taken by Friday, we have other openings next week. However, I cannot schedule you until you have paid off a significant portion of your balance.”

(This goes on for another two or three rounds of her saying she’ll make a payment on Friday and me reiterating that I can’t schedule her until she pays. Finally, I convince her that I’m really not going to schedule her appointment until she pays us.)

Client: “Well, I guess my cat will just have to suffer, then!”

Me: “Goodbye, ma’am.”

Full Definition Jacket

, , , , | Right | October 28, 2018

(I work as a sales associate in the children’s department at a well-known department store. It is winter, and I moved to Tucson from Washington State relatively recently. As it is close to the holidays, the store is rather busy when this customer approaches my register.)  

Customer: “Do you have boys’ jackets?”

Me: *indicating an entire wall displaying boys’ jackets* “We have quite a few boys’ jackets, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, I want a jacket.”

Me: *indicating the wall again* “All of our jackets are up on that wall, ma’am.”

Customer: “I’m looking for a jacket. A boys’ jacket. Do you have any jackets?

(This continues for a moment or two, until I am not only frustrated, but wondering if she’s trying to make some sort of point. Finally, I somehow remember noting how my coworkers, who are all from Arizona or Sonora, have never used the word “coat.”)

Me: “Ma’am, did you mean a coat?”

Customer: “Yes, a coat. A boys’ jacket.”

(I showed her where the winter coats were; she bought one and left. Later, during a lull, I wrote down every word for “coat” I could think of and showed it to one of my Tucson-raised coworkers. She had never heard of ski jackets, cardigans, or parkas. In Tucson, every supplemental outer covering that isn’t knitted is a “jacket,” and every knitted jacket is a “sweater.”)

Wants A Business Card That Will Rule The Roost

, , , , , | Right | September 24, 2018

(I work in a print department inside an office supply store. I am working the closing shift when I have a large family come up to my counter.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “How much are business cards?”

(I ask what he does and explain what kind of cards we offer. As I’m speaking with him, I glance down to see he is holding a live chicken.)

Me: “Oh! You have a chicken!”

Customer: *narrows his eyes at me* “It’s a rooster.”

(He promptly turns with his entire family and leaves the store.)

Me: *on the radio* “Um, I just had a business card customer who brought a live chicken into the store.”

Coworkers:No way!

(Discussion ensued about what kind of person brings a chicken into ANY store. All I can say is I know have one of the best crazy customer stories!)

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