Title Goes He—Pork Chop!

, , , , , | Healthy | August 6, 2018

Doctor: “Did you bring your MRI?”

Patient: “I drove home to get my MRI, and, yes, I got it; but when I was there I was looking in the refrigerator and I saw pork chops, and I started thinking about pork chops for dinner and how great those are going to be! Well, the pork chops forced the MRI out of my mind, and I forgot all about the MRI and left it on the kitchen table!”

Mom Is Being A Dips***

, , , | Right | August 6, 2018

Customer: *pointing to the buffalo chicken dip appetizer on the menu* “Are these boneless?”

Me: “The buffalo chicken dip? Um…Yeah, it’s a dip; it doesn’t have any bones.”

Customer: “Okay, my kids will get that.”

(About ten minutes later, I deliver the appetizer.)

Customer: “I didn’t order this!”

Me: “This is the buffalo chicken dip.”

Customer: “You said it was boneless wings! This is dip!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, ma’am, but we don’t actually have boneless wings. I’ll take these off the check for you right away.”

(I move to take the appetizer back.)

Customer: “Oh, you don’t have to take it! My kids will eat it.”

(I came back later and they’d eaten every bite. The kids told me they absolutely loved it. So basically, the woman got what she ordered, but didn’t have to pay for it because she couldn’t be bothered to read the description on the menu.)

This… Is An Ex-Grandma!

, , , | Working | August 4, 2018

(My grandmother has passed, and I am the executor of her estate. I keep her cell phone activated for the month after her death in order to inform any friends of her passing, as well as to inform any companies that I might have missed in her paperwork. I expected telemarketing calls, but not the amount that have come in. I’ve finally had enough.)

Caller: “Hello! May I speak with [Grandma], please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, she is not available. May I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “I’m [Caller], calling from [Life Insurance Company].”

Me: “Well, that won’t do her any good now, as she’s passed away.”

(Obviously not listening, the caller continues with her script.)

Me: “Excuse me, but she’s passed.”

Caller: *still going on*

Me: “MA’AM! She’s passed away. She’s no longer here.”

(She still isn’t getting it, so I have a light-bulb moment. I put the phone on speaker and bring up my favorite skit by my favorite 70s British comedy troupe… about a parrot. I cue up the rant in the skit and hit play. The caller goes silent.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes? Are you still there? So, if I might speak with…”

(I restart the video and hit play.)

Me: “Have you figured it out yet?”

Caller: “Well, you could have said so.”

Shrinking Violet Shrank Too Much

, , , , , | Friendly | August 3, 2018

(I’m a 5’1″ female who is often mistaken for being younger than I am. I tend to easily blush when I have to correct people, since I don’t like point out that they are wrong. I go to a bar that specialises in beers with my boyfriend and his family. Since I don’t drink beer I ask for a cider. At first the bartenders don’t know what that is but after a while conclude that they don’t serve it. They then try to serve me tequila but I kindly decline due to it only being around 4:00 pm. They continue with showing me their drinks list. One of the bartenders tries to make small-talk:)

Bartender: “How old are you? 17?”

Me: *face turning red* “No, I’m 27.”

Bartender: “NO! You can’t be. You look so young!”

Boyfriend’s Mother: “Yes, she is 27.”

Bartender: “Well, then you definitely can have a drink.”

(I don’t know why they tried to serve me both tequila and drinks if they thought that I was underage. As a bonus, later that night at a restaurant…)

Waiter: “How many are you? Five?”

Me: *standing behind my 6’1″ boyfriend* “Six!”

(The waiter hadn’t seen me standing there. That day I went from being adult, to underage, to non-existing.)

I Listen To Classical Metal

, , , , | Working | August 2, 2018

(I’m a huge music nerd with a wide variety of interests, so I’ll play Beethoven, Metallica, Broadway, big band music, opera, etc., while listening to music. My coworker thinks I’m more conservative than that because she knows I have season tickets to the symphony. On this day, we’re standing in line to get food when a song I like comes on the loudspeaker. I start rapping along.)

Coworker: “[My Name], you know the words to this?!”

Me: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “That’s awesome! I didn’t think you’d listen to something like this.”

Me: “I’ve told you for months that I like more than Mozart.”

Coworker: “I guess you do.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell her I learned it from “Pitch Perfect.”)

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