Have A Million Reasons To Hang Up

, , , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(I work remotely from home in the video game publishing industry. My business information winds up on a lot of weird contact lists, and most of it is in no way related to my work in any capacity. People try to sell me bulk sports equipment from China, for instance. One day I get a call on my work cell.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am! My name is [Caller] calling with [Company I’ve never heard of]. How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Very well, thank you! I wanted to ask you if you had ever thought of diversifying your investment portfolio in [Country]?”

Me: “Uh. Well. No, since I don’t have any investments there.”

Caller: “Exactly! I know your time is valuable, but real-estate in [Country] is booming, and our company has great ideas for—”

(It’s become apparent that this is obviously a marketing call, and someone who is calling from outside my industry. I try several times to interject, but he just talks louder and faster about how his company plans to build expensive resorts overseas with investment from me. Finally, he winds down about ten minutes later.)

Caller: “…so, as you can see, this is a great opportunity for you to get in on the ground floor. Where can I send you some documentation to look over? Is [email] correct?”

Me: “Listen, [Caller]. I appreciate your time and wish you the best of luck, but as I have been trying to tell you, I am not involved in any sort of investing or real-estate investment.”

Caller: *offended* “Pardon me, but my colleagues and I bought a list of known investors and their contact information from a reliable source.”

Me: “Not that reliable, apparently.”

Caller: *skeptical* “You’re telling me you don’t have a net worth of 15 million dollars?”

Me: *genuine surprised, shocked, disbelieving laughter*

Caller: *angrily* “Well, thanks for wasting my time, lady!” *click!*

(Yeah, buddy, it was totally my fault you shelled out for a list of unverified information obtained through dubious means and refused to listen to me when I tried to talk. Oh, well. Luckily, I can dry my tears with all my phantom millions.)

Unable To C Your Point

, , , , , | Right | October 11, 2017

(I drive the shuttle-bus in between the terminals at the DFW airport.)

Me: *to the passenger standing at the stop* “Good day, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “Did you say terminal C?”

Me: “No, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “So, you are not going to terminal C.”

Me: “No, but if you wait a few minutes, there will be another shuttle that will bring you there.”

Passenger: “Okay, so, where do you go?”

Me: “B and D, B and D. I am going to B and D.”

Passenger: “And not to C, right?”

Me: *trying to stay calm* “Nope, sorry.”

Passenger: “But you will go to C eventually, or not?”

Me: “You are one stop away from terminal C. If you come with me, it will take almost half an hour before we get there. The bus you need will be here in a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: *thinking* “Oh, okay, thanks. So, you are sure you are not going to C after this stop?”

(I closed the door and rapidly drove away.)

Enough To Make You See Red

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2017

(I’m a customer in this. I hear two people yelling across the store as I shop.)

Customer #1: “Hey! [Customer #2]!”

Customer #2: “Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

Customer #1: “Oh, sorry! So, what color did you want: blue, yellow, green, or black?!”

Customer #2: “Hmm… Give me red!”

 

They’ll Be Back(pack)

, , , , | Working | October 10, 2017

(I’m looking for a new backpack. Because I tend to carry a lot of things with me, and my back’s been giving me problems, I’m specifically looking for a backpack with a waist or chest strap. I go to the store and pick up a backpack with a waist strap and check it out.)

Employee: *approaches me* “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I’m looking for backpacks with waist straps like this one.” *shows her the backpack*

Employee: “Sorry, we don’t carry any like that.”

Me: *long pause* “So, you don’t carry any backpacks with waist straps like this?” *picks up the waist strap to show her better*

Employee: “That’s right.”

Me: *another long pause* “All righty, then.”

(I put the backpack back and left.)

Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 5

, , , , | Right | October 10, 2017

(I am a waiter at a cafeteria. A man and a woman come in and sit. I give them the menus.)

Woman: “Excuse me. What is the espresso macchiato?”

Me: “It’s a cup of espresso with foamed milk.”

Woman: “I’ll have that. Big, please.”

Me: “There is only one size, miss. It’s small. Really small.”

Woman: “It’s okay.”

Me: “And for you, sir.”

Man: “Nothing for me, thanks. We’ll share.”

Me: “Are you sure? The espresso is a really, really small drink.”

(I point at the cup of another customer, who is having an espresso.)

Man: “That’s okay.”

(I take the order and send it in. I return with the tray with the small espresso cup on top. The woman has a disappointment expression on her face. The man just laughs.)

Man: “You were not kidding!”

Me: “No, it’s this small.”

(The woman whispers something to the man. They both stand up and leave. I tell them that they have to pay for the drink, since they already ordered it, and we already prepared it. The man pays for the espresso and gives the cup to the woman. The woman, kind of pissed, takes the cup, and when they exit the cafe she throws the cup on the bushes. My manager comes in, and the woman talks to him, not knowing he is my manager.)

Woman: “Don’t go in there; they try to scam you with the drinks.”

(My manager asked me about this after they left, and face-palmed when I explained.)

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