Look Inside To Find The Answers You Seek

, , , , | Right | October 25, 2019

(A woman comes to the registers with an opened wireless mouse. Note that most wireless mice at the time keep the USB attachment inside the mouse’s battery case to prevent loss.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

Me: “Certainly. Might I ask why?”

(It’s our standard question; we’ll take back almost anything, but I need to know why so I can mark it as saleable or damaged.)

Customer: “It didn’t have the little USB thing.”

(The customer points to the already opened and thoroughly inspected packaging.)

Me: “Woah, really?”

Customer: “Yeah, I looked everywhere.”

Me: “Huh, not even on the inside?”

Customer: “Not even… inside?”

(I open up the mouse’s battery pack and sure enough, there’s the USB.)

Customer: “I don’t need to return this.”

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Reached Your Olive Tea Total

, , , , , | Related | October 25, 2019

(I currently live with my mum. She’s bought a tub of dressed olives that she’s eating.)

Mum: “You know, there’s a bit too many in here for me… Do you want some?” 

(She extends the tub in my direction.)

Me: “No, thanks. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Oh, okay.” *stands there thinking* “I know. I’ll put the rest in tonight’s tea!”

Me: “I… don’t like olives, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes, chicken and olives. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?”

Me: “No. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Okay, dear, I heard you.”

(There were olives in the tea. I was told off for picking them out.)

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He’s Never Going To Be A Pencil Pusher

, , , , | Right | October 25, 2019

(I am helping a patron set up a new email account.)

Me: “Okay, now hit ‘Next’.”

Patron: “Where?”

Me: “On the blue button that says ‘next’.”

Patron: “Here?”

Me: *pointing with a pencil* “Right here.”

Patron: “Here?”

Me: “Nope, right here where my pencil point is.”

Patron: “Here?”


Patron: *moving the cursor to the right spot* “Here?”


Patron: “Now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Patron: “I click now?”

Me: “YES!”

Patron: *clicking* “Like that?”

Me: “Well, you can’t move the mouse while you click. Let’s try again…”

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I’m Going To Use The Law To Sue You For Not Using The Law!

, , , , | Right | October 25, 2019

(I work at a small law office that does disability claims. My main job is answering the phone and directing calls, or answering questions as needed. This call is one I’ve never dealt with before and still leaves me laughing weeks later.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I got hit!”

Me: “Are you okay? Have you contacted 911?”

Caller: “No! This happened last week. I got hit by some a** b*****d who was too busy swerving around the road, and he knocked my car off the road! I want to sue him!” 

Me: “I see. I’m sorry that happened, ma’am, but we only do disability law.”

Caller: “See, he wasn’t paying attention. He told the cops he was swerving around someone else, and he hit me. My neck and back hurts now. I had to go to the emergency room, and my car got dented. They’re going to have to take off the whole right side.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry to hear that, but–“

Caller: “He knocked me right off the road. Can you believe that? Said that I was in his blind side. I want to sue him; he needs to pay my medical bills, d*** it.”

Me: “Okay, we can’t help you, but I can give you a number to the state bar referral.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “We only do disability law. We can’t help. But I can give you a numb–“

Caller: “Why can’t you help me? I’m in my rights to sue if I want to! He hit me!”

Me: “Because we only do dis–“

Caller: “I’m going to sue you! You’re refusing to help me! I’m calling the newspapers and letting them know about you and your office, b****! F*** you!”

(We have yet to hear anything.)

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Needs To Give It A Rest(room)

, , , | Right | October 24, 2019

Caller: “We would like to go walk around the historic district, but it looks like there is not transportation down there. So, we would have to walk, correct?”

Me: “Yes, that is correct.”

Caller: “We want to visit some historic homes. Do you know if they have restrooms?”

Me: “I know that [Museum] has restrooms, but most of the historic homes do not just because of the nature of the buildings.”

Caller: “Right, right. So, what do you suggest?”

Me: “When you come into town, we actually have a guide to public restrooms in the area-“

Caller: “And I can pick that up at the visitors center?”

Me: “Yes, you can.”

Caller: “You said [Museum] has a restroom, but the others don’t?”

Me: “Well, yes, generally, although there are quite a few public restrooms in the area. There’s one in the market–“

Caller: “You mean the big central market?”

Me: “Yes, the city market–“

Caller: “But that’s several blocks away, young lady.”

Me: “Okay, there are also several parking garages down there with public restrooms, and city hall has some, as well–“

Caller: *loud, exasperated sigh* “Well, this is just not helpful at all. Goodbye.”

(Did she expect me to create more bathrooms out of thin air?)

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