Unfiltered Story #160130

, | Unfiltered | August 16, 2019

I work as a web programmer for a small company focuses on order calculators for e-commerce. We also run several of our own calculator based websites. Because of our small company size, everybody has to help with customer support e-mails and phone calls. This particular morning was my turn, and an elderly woman called in looking for help:

Me: “[company name] this is Kristen…”
Caller: “HELLO??!!! Oh, I’m not sure I’ve called the right place.”
Me: “This is [company name], we operate [website.com] and [otherwebsite.net]. Were you looking for help with either webs…”
Caller: “I’m on internet explorer, and the text is too big – I can’t read the page.”

(Certain obsolete versions of IE from the Windows XP-era have been experiencing issues with portions of our website, so at this point I don’t think anything is amiss.)

Me: “Okay madam, which calculator are you having trouble with?”
Her: “Calculator? Why would I be using a calculator? I’m trying to read my e-mail on yahoo.com and all the text is huge – I can’t read the page!”
Me: …

Even though I really wasn’t supposed to, I ended up walking her through how to reset her text size in IE 7 anyway. I’m just baffled at how she ended up calling us, she had never heard of the company I work for or any of our websites before.

Not My Site, Not My Monkeys

, , , , , | Right | July 26, 2019

(We’re a web design and hosting company that sells a particular content management system. If a customer has an existing site with another provider, we just build their new site on our servers and swap when everything is finished, to minimize problems. Up until that point, we have no control over their existing site, and the site we build has no connection to theirs, other than content, which the client provides.)

Customer: “Our site is down.”

Me: “You mean the test site we built?”

Customer: “No, our current site. It’s not working.”

(I check the site, which is still hosted with another company)

Me: Yeah, it’s down. You’ll have to call [Other Hosting Company] and see if they can fix it.”

Customer: “Well, you need to fix it. I saw on the test site that you had links that led to our site, so you need to take those down since it crashed the site.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You linked to our site, and that made it crash.”

Me: “No… The Internet doesn’t work that way?”

(This goes on for quite a while, I tell him that we have no control over their existing site, and he tells me I have to remove all links, because they’re making the site crash.)

Boss: “Let me talk to him.”

Customer: *after a long explanation* “I’m just saying, don’t you think it’s a little more than a coincidence that you link to our site and the site crashes?”

Boss: “The links you gave us must have had viruses in them. We’ll run a purging system but it’ll take 48 hours; it’s very important you don’t disturb the system until it’s done. That means no visiting the site, and no calling us, or we’ll have to start all over again.”

Customer: “Ugh, why couldn’t you have just done that in the first place?!”

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She Uses The Google

, , , , | Right | July 20, 2017

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big. Just two to four pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It won’t need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch, though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in, ‘Dog Grooming,’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about four days, and it has to be on Google by then, also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer in New York; you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense, but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, then let’s go with, ‘local dog grooming,’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in four days and have it listed, by then, as the number one result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as, ‘Local Dog Grooming,’ but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site — and this is just the design and upload, not for the SEO you want — possibly… $250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous. I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399, and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Can you teach me?”

Me: “Um… I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to four years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dog’s hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The s*** people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

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Download Some Intelligence While You’re At It

| Right | February 24, 2016

Customer: “I need to download a file to my pictures that change.”

Me: “Okay, yes, I believe you are talking about adding an image to your large slide show, but please let me make sure that you are talking about uploading an image, right? Adding the file to your website? Downloading is when you save things from your website to your computer.”

Customer: “No, I want to download a picture.”

Me: *talks them through the process of downloading images*

Customer: “Okay, thank you… So, when will the image show up on my website?”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry, sir; I must have misunderstood. So you do want to upload a file to your website? To have the image appear on your website for people to view?”

Customer: “No, I want to download the image!”

Me: *gives up, and gives instructions for how to upload an image*

Customer: “See?! Was that so hard? You tech people think you know what you are talking about and you couldn’t even help me download an image!” *hangs up*

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A Rude Awakening

| Right | September 19, 2014

(I ask a client to call me the morning of the next day to discuss layouts for his website. He ends up calling at around 3:00 pm instead.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I won’t be able to help you right now. Please ca—”

Client: “Wait. I thought you said to call in the morning!”

Me: “Yes, I did, but it’s 3:00 in the afternoon now. I’m really busy right now though so we’ll have to reschedule.”

Client: “YOU SAID MORNING! I just woke up so it’s still MY morning! You need to assist me now!”

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