(For about six months after an accident, my husband and I have one car, forcing a lot of coordination between our schedules. For the most part, this is fine because we both work from home, most of our outings are with mutual friends, and we usually go grocery shopping together anyway. One night, he is crawling in bed when this conversation occurs:)

Me: “How’s your project going?”

Husband: “I need to go to the hardware store tomorrow to finish it.”

Me: “Okay. Just remember, I need the car at 3:00 for a doctor’s appointment.”

Husband: “Okay. I’ll just go in the morning, then.”

(The next morning, he’s working on his project in the basement. I ask when he wants to go to the hardware store and he shrugs. I go back to my work, thinking he’ll come up shortly. Around 2:00 I hear him coming up the stairs.)

Husband: “Okay. I’m gonna get my shower and then head to the hardware store. Do you need anything?”

Me: “Uh… the car?”

Husband: “What? Why? I told you I need to go to the hardware store today. What are you doing?”

Me: “Going to the doctor.”

Husband: “Since when?”

Me: “Since I set the appointment six months ago. It’s a checkup.”

Husband: “You never told me about this! Now I have to wait longer?”

Me: “Or you could have gone this morning, like you said you would last night, or you can come along and take the car while I’m at the doctor’s office and pick me up after.”

Husband: “They’re not in the same part of town. That’s not— This is ridiculous.”

Me: *deadpan* “Yes. Yes, it is. If only we had already talked about this at a previous time, like last night getting into bed.”

Husband: “Well, I— Oh. We did.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “And I forgot.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “So, I guess I’ll drive you?”

Me: *kisses him on the cheek* “Thank you, darling.”

(I’ve bought some old home movies on VHS tapes over to my mum and step-dad’s so he can transfer them to DVD. My sister and eight-year-old nephew happen to be visiting at the same time.)

Nephew: *looking at the tapes* “Hey, what’s that?”

Me: “They’re videos; Grandpa is going to put them onto DVD for us.”

Nephew: “What’s a video?”

Me: “Before DVDs were invented, movies came out on video.”

Nephew: “Oh, my God. There was something before DVDs?”

Me: *laughing* “Yep, and before videos, there were eight-tracks.”

Nephew: “Wow, that’s trippy.”

Me: “You know that before mp3s, there were CDs, right?”

Nephew: “Yep, when Mum got rid of hers, me and [Nieces] used them for frisbees.”

Me: “Well, before CDs, there were cassettes. I think Grandpa might even have some, along with a Walkman. We could see if we can find them.”

(He readily agreed, and we found some old cassettes and Walkmen, along with our old super Nintendo and games. Everything still worked. After hooking the gaming system up to an old TV, my nephew and I spent the rest of the day reliving my childhood. While it made me feel incredibly old — I’m 32 — it was a great day reliving the past and showing him things that had been lost to the younger generation.)

Friend: “I want to buy a car that goes on water.”

Me: “Like a boat?”

(She meant RUNS on water, rather than gas.)

(A man I don’t know sends me a direct message on Facebook:)

Man: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: “I’m all right. Do I know you?”

Man: “No, but you could.”

Me: “Do we have mutual friends?”

Man: “Don’t think so.”

Me: “Did you see me at work or something?”

Man: “Wish I did!”

Me: “How did you come across my profile?”

Man: “Just looking for cuties. So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’m actually pretty boring.”

Man: A beauty like you? No way.”

Me: “Yeah. Pretty boring.”

Man: “You got a picture?”

Me: “Don’t you know what I look like?”

Man: “I’d like to know more.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Man: “I’ll trade you.”

Me: “No.”

Man: “I’m not ashamed.”

Me: “I’m not available.”

Man: “Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I don’t involve myself with d***wads.”

Man: “Well, I don’t involve myself with ugly f****** c***s like you.”

Me: “Then I guess we’re done here.”

Man: “Your p**** probably stinks.”

Me: “I guess you’ll never know.”

Man: “You’d be lucky to swallow my c*m.”

Me: “Your mother should have swallowed you.”

Man: “F*** YOU!”

Me: “Apparently, you’re not. Have a nice life!”

(I blocked him immediately.)

(I am currently between jobs and searching for a new one. I’ve posted my resume up on several job sites, so I’ve been getting the occasional call by recruiters looking to match me with positions. Today, I leave my phone on the charger while going to the bathroom, and when I get back, I find that I’ve gotten four missed calls in the five minutes I’ve been gone. As I am checking the number, another call pops up, and I answer.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name].”

(There is a loud huff before the lady on the other end of the line answers.)

Recruiter: “Well, I’m glad that I fiiiinally got through to you. I’ve been trying to call alllll day, but you haven’t been answering.”

Me: *wanting to call her out on that lie, but refraining* “I’m sorry. Who is this?”

Recruiter: “I’m [Recruiter] with [Company], and I was toooold that you were looking for work, but I’m not sure anymore.”

Me: *gritting my teeth a little at her condescending, sing-song tone* “I am still looking for work, yes.”

(There is another loud huff.)

Recruiter: “Well, then you should probably answer the phone when we call, shouldn’t you? We can’t help you if you ignore our calls.”

Me: *silent*

Recruiter: *after a few moments* “Are you still there?”

Me: “Yes, I’m just waiting for you to give me the details of whatever job you’d like me for.”

Recruiter: *now sounding offended* “Well, no need to be snippy at me. I’m not the one who doesn’t answer phone calls.”

(I still don’t say anything, though I do pull my phone away from my ear for a moment to consider the End Call button. After a moment, she does continue and describe the job, which I recognize as one I’ve already been contacted about the day before.)

Me: “Thank you for your consideration, but I’ve already been submitted to that job by a different company.”

Recruiter: *huffily* “Well, I hope you’re happy at wasting my time trying to contact you.”

Me: “Yes, very happy.”

(I then hung up before she could say anything else. Probably won’t be hearing back from that company, but frankly, I don’t think it will be much of a loss.)