A Vexing Definition

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are sitting at home eating our personal pints of ice cream. I’m about to take the last bite before putting it away for the night, so I dig out a chunk of brownie before handing him the pint to put in the freezer.)

Boyfriend: “You know, you always take such big spoonfuls of ice cream. It’s quite… vexing.”

(I stare at him in confusion, as he’s usually extremely laid back.)

Me: “My ice cream eating angers you?”

Boyfriend: “What? No!”

Me: “That’s what vexing means!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t know what vexing meant!”

Me: “Then why did you use it?!”

(He just throws up his hands and walks away. A few minutes later…)

Boyfriend: “So… vixen and vexing have nothing to do with each other?”

(The best part of this is that he’s a published author.)

They Took It Anime Too Far

, , , , , | Friendly | July 13, 2018

(My friends and I are avid cosplayers and anime fans. I arrive at one of my friend’s houses and find her tearing her bedroom apart. This happens only three months away from a convention.)

Me: “What the h*** happened here?”

Friend: “I can’t find my cosplay costume.”

Me: “That’s weird; you’re not type to misplace things.”

Friend: “This is a disaster.”

Me: “Calm down. There’s still time. I brought ice cream.”

(That usually cheers her up. On the way downstairs, we pass by her sister’s room. We hear moaning.)

Me: “New boyfriend?”

Friend: “Yup. God, why are the walls so thin?”

Guy: *panting* “Please, Mistress [Anime Character]…”

Me: “Did I just hear that right?”

(Turns out, her sister’s new boytoy had a thing for anime cosplay. The sister shamelessly took the costume and used it for bedroom activities. We literally caught them with their pants down. The costume was ripped and stained in several places, and we all had to pitch in to make a new one, this time not from scratch. My friend and her sister no longer live together, and no longer talk as far as I’m aware.)


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The Guessing Dead

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”

When Superstition Is A Superpower

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My grandma has come for a visit all the way from Romania. She’s a quirky type and pretty superstitious.The results can be either awkward or funny. Example #1: We’re having dinner and my brother bites his tongue.)

Grandma: *translated* “Someone recently told a lie.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “What did she say?”

Me: “Biting your tongue during a meal means you told a lie recently and you’ll have bad luck until you tell the truth.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: *blushing* “I was the one that dug up the flowers, not [Dog].”

(Example #2:)

Mom: “My eye keeps twitching.”

Grandma: *with her back turned, cooking* “Left or right?”

Mom: “Left. Why?”

Grandma: “Something’s going to disappoint you.”

(As if on cue, my twin brother and I come back from school.)

Twin: “Hey, Mom, you look wonderful today.”

Mom: “What did you do?”

Twin: “I failed my English test.”

(Example #3:)

Grandma: *translated* “Don’t stay in the corner of the table, [My Name] or you’ll never get married.”

Inner Me: “I wasn’t interested in getting married, anyway.”

Outer Me: “Sure, Grandma. I’ll move right away.”

Leg-o

, , , , | Related | July 11, 2018

(My little brother is searching for a Lego piece that he has misplaced.)

Brother: “I can’t find it anywhere!” *finds it* “Oh, it’s in my leg!” *pulls it out of the crook of his knee*

Me: “I don’t know you. I’m just talking to you because you’re here.” *leaves room*

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