(When I am a kid, my family is watching the Disney movie “The Swiss Family Robinson.”)
Me: “So, where are they from? They’re not English.”
Dad: “Maybe France?”
Mom: “Germany? Or are they Dutch?”
(It took us an embarrassingly long time to figure it out.)
I have cell phone service through a major provider. While at a friend’s place – where I wasn’t sure about cell coverage – I found I could not get data at all, maps, in particular. After messing around with it for a while, I phoned my provider to ask about it. The tech services person was very thorough, but had to call me back three times before he reached a solution; I’d used up my allotted data for the month.
I thanked him, mentioning it hadn’t happened before so was unexpected. Then I asked him why didn’t said service provider simply text me with this info. That would have saved him and me a half-hour on the phone, and, since it could be done automatically without human input, would cost them zero.
I think I should get paid for doing their thinking for them!
(We get a few computer scammers, but my husband usually answers. Today, I get the scammer.)
Me: “Hello?”
Scammer: *starts a spiel about how our computer came up in a report for infected computers*
Me: “Really? That’s amazing that you can do that.” *shooing my son away to concentrate on the call*
Scammer: “Ma’am, I need you to open [program].” *call quality is spotty*
Me: “Hold on, I’ll try to get that up.” *aside to son* “Not now, just a minute!”
Scammer: “Ma’am, are you playing with your child? You really need to pay attention, because your computer is at risk.”
Me: “Okay, no. This is not serious, you are trying a scam on me. The program you want me to pull will show me errors you say are viruses.”
Scammer: “No, no. We have a report that your machine is sending out viruses to others—”
Me: “Okay, what’s my computer name?”
Scammer: “What?”
Me: “What’s my computer name? If you are getting reports and can trace it back to me, you obviously have some identifying information. So I assume you know my computer name.”
Scammer: “Look, ma’am, you need to take this seriously. This puts computers at risk—”
Me: “Why, so you can access my files remotely? Tell me my computer name, and we’ll do business.”
Scammer: “This is serious security!”
Me: “What is my computer name?”
Scammer: *click*
(When I am a kid, our synagogue is looking for a new rabbi. One of the members of the Rabbi Search Committee decides to call my dad to get his thoughts, so he looks him up in the phone book. However, there are two people with Dad’s name in the phone book, and she calls the wrong one.)
Committee Member: “Hello, is this [Dad]?”
Other [Dad]: “Yes, who’s this?”
Committee Member: “This is [Committee Member] with the Rabbi Search Committee. I’m calling to get your thoughts on your search. Do you have any?”
Other [Dad]: “Yes, I do have some thoughts!”
(Despite not being a member of our synagogue, the other [Dad] and the committee member talk for about twenty minutes on his thoughts on the rabbi search process. Eventually, they finish up.)
Committee Member: “Send my best to [Mom] and the kids.”
Other [Dad]: Who is [Mom]?
Committee Member: “Your wife.”
Other [Dad]: No, my wife’s name is [Wife].
Committee Member: “But this is [Dad], right?”
Other [Dad]: “Yes, there are two of us; I think you want the other one.”
Committee Member: “But wait, I said I was from the rabbi search committee. We talked for twenty minutes. What’s going on?”
Other [Dad]: “Oh, my church is looking for a new minister. I thought you were joking.”
(My aunt is preparing to make dinner while my brother, mother, and I are watching TV.)
Aunt: *calls from the kitchen* “Hey, [My Name], will you run downstairs and get some turkey burgers out of the deep freezer? Or [Brother], either one?”
Mother: *very promptly* “I don’t think [Brother] is in the freezer.”
Aunt: “Okay, good one. But will you go?”
Me: “Is it my choice which one I get out of the freezer?”
Aunt: “Yes. Your choice. Am I cooking burgers or your brother?”
Brother: “Don’t give them that choice.”
