, , , , | Related | September 17, 2017

(I am sitting on the couch watching TV, cuddled up in a blanket. I mention to my twelve-year-old son:)

Me: “I’m feeling cold.”

Son: “Mom, are you cold because you’re bleeding internally?”

Me: “We’re watching way too much CSI, aren’t we?”

An Eye For A Wifi

, , , , , | Related | September 16, 2017

(We’ve told our kids that we email the Tooth Fairy regularly whenever they lose a tooth, to schedule a payment. My son has just lost his second tooth, and I pretend to email the Tooth Fairy about it. He tells me about the tooth, and, as we have run out of money due to unexpected expenses, I tell him that I’ll email the Tooth Fairy, but that the weeks before school are especially busy. Right after a pay day, when our budget has been stabilized, this happens:)

Kiddo: “Hey, Mom, when is the Tooth Fairy going to come?”

Me: “Oh! I think she’s got you down for tonight, if you’re sleeping on schedule. So, go to bed, okay?”

Kiddo: “Okay! Goodnight!” *runs to bed*

(About a minute later:)

Me: “Oh! She emailed me!”

Kiddo: *looks out from doorway*

Me: *holds hand over monitor as I minimize the email window*

Kiddo: “What? What’d she say?”

Me: “Confirming details, like pillow shape, sleep time, and such.”

Kiddo: “Oh. Well, hopefully she can come tonight!” *goes back to bed*

(I’ve got to remember to stop spending my cash, so the Tooth Fairy can come on time more often.)

I Say Potato, You Say Fat

, , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2017

(My grandfather has relayed this story a few times from when he was a kid in the early 1950’s, and says it has always bothered him. In the story, my great uncle walks into the room first. He is a large and stocky person.)

Neighbor: “Looks like you’ve been eating your potatoes.”

(My grandpa walks in. He is very skinny and lanky.)

Neighbor: *looking back at great uncle* “Looks like you’ve been eating his potatoes, too!”

A Small Taste Of Their Relationship

, , , , | Related | September 15, 2017

(My family is putting together a grocery list while we finish eating dinner. I’m sitting with three of my siblings, the youngest of whom is ten.)

Me: “Oh, add [food] if they have any. Get a good flavor, like [flavor] or something. The ones we have are too spicy.”

Brother: “Spicy? Really? They’re not spicy!”

(We go back and forth about this for a minute before…)

Me: “—peppers in the cheese and—”

Mom: “All right, all right. Everyone tastes differently.”

Dad: *in a deep voice* “You know how I taste.”

(My mom’s face went red, and I gave my dad the most horrified look while my younger siblings stared on obliviously.)

Sprinting On A Knife-Edge

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(I am walking home with my sister and one of our cousins. It’s just beginning to get dark and we are a bit wary as we pass by a rough looking guy.)

Cousin: *whispering* “Oh s***, that guy just showed me a knife and grinned at me!”

(We all start walking faster, and we notice that he’s crossed the street but is keeping pace just a short distance from us. The corner of our street has a high fence that would block us from his view.)

Sister: “As soon as we turn into our street, we are all going to run for it, okay? Don’t look back; just run.”

(I have always been known for not being a very fast runner. People use the expression, “She couldn’t run if her life depended on it,” about me. My sister and cousin have both won running races at school; I always come in last. We get to our street and we all take off running. I get to the front door, unlock it, and we all end up piling into the house.)

Cousin: “What the h*** was that, [My Name]?”

Me: “What the h*** was what?”

Cousin: “[Sister] told me you couldn’t run!”

Me: “I can’t!”

Cousin: “[Sister] and I couldn’t catch you; I’ve never seen someone run so fast in my life!”

Sister: “Yeah, why don’t you ever run that fast at school?”

Me: “They don’t usually chase me down the track at school with a knife.”

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