Ignorance Charging Full-Steam Ahead

, , , , , | Friendly | January 16, 2018

Me: “Ugh, I hate this teakettle. The way the handle is shaped, I’m always afraid I’ll get burned by the steam.”

Roommate: “Burned by the what?”

Me: “The steam from the spout.”

Roommate: “Steam can’t burn you; it’s air.”

Me: “Steam can totally burn you; it’s from boiling water.”

Roommate: “No, it can’t. Watch!”

(She then stuck her whole face into the stream of steam coming from the kettle. And that’s how we ended up going to a clinic to receive treatment for burns on her eyelids.)

Absorbing Some Common Sense

, , , , , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(My cousins are visiting us for the weekend, and we are about to head out for my youngest brother’s soccer game. My dad, brothers, uncle, and female cousin have already left, leaving my mom, aunt, my male cousin, who is ten at the time, and me. I am thirteen. My cousin gets a bloody nose, and it’s a pretty bad one, with blood running down his face. I take him to the bathroom and get him cleaned up, then notice I’ve used the last of the toilet paper to do so, and there are no tissues or paper towels in sight.)

Me: “How are we supposed to stop the bleeding?!”

Cousin: “You’re the one who’s supposed to know this stuff! Think of something!”

(I suddenly remember a tip my English teacher — an avid outdoorsman, and a little weird — told us. I go into the lower cabinet and grab one of my mom’s tampons. My cousin doesn’t know what it is, so I just unwrap it and stick the cotton part up his nose. It quite effectively stops the bleeding, and we go into the kitchen where my mom and aunt are.)

Mom: “[My Name], what the heck is up [Cousin]’s nose?!”

Me: “A tampon. His nose started bleeding!”

(My aunt is laughing too hard to respond at this point.)

Mom: “Why did you put a tampon up his nose?”

Me: “His nose was bleeding, and in the movie we just watched in English, a girl pretending to be a guy sticks a tampon up her nose for her fake nosebleeds, and Mr. [Teacher] says it’s really effective!”

Mom: *face-palms* “While I’m sure it might be, it’s not something he can have up his nose in public!”

Cousin: “Wait, what is it supposed to be for?”

Mom: *freezes*

Aunt: *falls over laughing*

Me: “It goes in a woman’s lady parts when she gets her period. It’s made to absorb blood!”

Cousin: “So… it’s doing its job?”

Getting Into A Pillow Fight

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My in-laws are visiting and my mother-in-law comments on my new purse, so I show it to her.)

Me: “You like it? I made it myself.”

Mother-In-Law: “Wow, that’s really nice! Where’d you get it?”

Husband: “Mom, she just told you that she made it.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh? All I caught was, ‘See my new purse.’”

(I fight the urge to roll my eyes because that is NOT what I just said. She looks over the purse then looks at me.)

Mother-In-Law: “Can you teach me to sew? I have a sewing machine, but I don’t have the book for it. It was secondhand and the person who gave it to me lost it, so I don’t know how it works.”

Me: “Sure, if you bring it over one day I’ll see what kind of machine it is and look up the manual online. We could probably find one for free or very cheap.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay. Then you can show me how to sew a purse like that, right?”

Me: *shakes head* “No, you should start with something simple, like a pillowcase or simple skirt, just to get the hang of it. This purse isn’t a beginner project, but we can find you a beginner’s purse pattern.”

Mother-In-Law: *scoffs* “If you can make it, how hard can it be?”

Husband: “That’s not very nice, Mom.”

Mother-In-Law: *feigning innocence* “What do you mean? She’s obviously new to this herself.”

Me: *calmly as possible* “No, I’m not. I’ve been sewing since I was 14 years old, and I am now 28, so I’ve been doing this for half my life. The pattern I used for this purse says that it is not recommended for beginners. After you have made a few simpler projects, I can help you make a purse like this in whatever fabric you like.”

Mother-In-Law: *sighs* “Well, I guess I could do that, then. Just let me know when you can teach me.”

(I don’t think I will have the time to teach her. Ever.)

Where Can I Find The Lacto-Free Cows?

, , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My siblings and I are over at our parents’ house for dinner, and my sister has brought some un-homogenized whole milk from a local dairy. My dad’s doctor has recently encouraged him to cut down on animal fats for his health.)

Dad: “I can’t have that. There’s too much fat.”

Sister: “That’s all right. We’ll just pour you some before we shake it and then take off the cream.”

Dad: “No, it still comes from a whole cow.”

Brother: “A… whole cow?”

Dad: “Yeah. I can only drink milk from skim cows.”

Brother: “That’s not how it works.”

Dad: “Yes it is. There are skim cows, 2% cows, and whole cows.”

Me: “What about 1%?”

Dad: “I guess they have 1% cows, too.”

Me: “And does chocolate milk come from brown cows?”

Dad: “No, that’s stupid.”

(He didn’t understand why we all thought that was funny.)

Clutch This Present Close To Your Breast

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My wife and I are both women. One Christmas, my mother-in-law gives us new pillows for our couch. She made the covers herself. They’re African print, with bare-breasted women.)

Mother-In-Law: “Your grandma told me to do something with this fabric specifically for you.”

Me: *later, when we’re alone* “How much should we read into this fabric choice?”

Wife: “I’m… honestly not sure.”

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