Crazy Prices Attract The Crazies

, , , , | Friendly | May 10, 2018

I just organized a garage sale for the first time in six years. I moved homes a year ago and had a baby two years ago, so I had a lot of stuff to get rid of. Hoping to reach out to as many people as possible, I posted pictures of things for sale online. While it did increase the foot traffic, it also invited the crazies.

First, I had a gentleman come and ask to look at the 1960s Schwinn bike I was selling. He told me his sister would love it for her art project, and then moved to take it from me. My husband blocked him with his arm and told him that the bike was for sale, not free. The man interjected with, “There was no price listed online!” My husband replied, “It’s a garage sale; everything is for sale.” The man left without buying the bike.

Then, we had a lady come by while it was dead, and struck up a nice enough conversation with her. She didn’t see anything that she wanted to buy, but that’s how it goes. As we were talking about moving a year ago, she shifted gears and asked, “Do you know if you’re getting into heaven?” My eyes went wide, and I looked at my husband to confirm if she really just asked that. I replied, “I hope so!” and my husband agreed. The woman dug through her purse and handed us a flyer about being saved, turning to Jesus, yada yada yada. She then left, and my husband and I confirmed that that was weird.

Next, two women came by while my husband was taking a break. They mentioned that they shopped for a local church group, creating Christmas boxes for kids, trying to keep the cost of the boxes around $5. I said that was cool, and showed them the table with the cheapest things, $1 and under. They then said that they typically try to buy things at ten cents a piece. I said I might be able to do that on some of these items. They both then turned to me and asked if I’d be willing to do that on everything in the sale. I’d get a receipt for taxes and everything. I told them no, I wouldn’t be able to do a deal like that. They pushed that it was for a church and deserving children. I told them that was nice, but anything we didn’t sell was going into a sale for a church mission trip already. They got annoyed looks on their faces, and turned and left.

Thankfully, the good customers outweighed the bad, and we got rid of a lot of our junk. But I’m glad I won’t need to have another garage sale for another six years or so.

The Gift Of Leaving

, , , , , , | Related | May 10, 2018

(My mother-in-law is a difficult woman.)

Mother-In-Law: “We never see you anymore!”

Husband: “Well, Mum, I have Christmas presents for you and Dad; would it be okay if I stopped by later this week to drop them off? Then we can have a visit.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’ll be fine. What time?”

Husband: “How about Wednesday after work? I’ll be there around 6:30.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sounds good; see you then.”

(I don’t assume that they’ll give him dinner, but I figure that since he’ll be there for a while, they might offer a cup of tea and a cookie. Therefore, I am surprised when he is home by 7:30.)

Me: “You’re home early!”

Husband: “Yup. Is there any dinner left? I’m starving.”

Me: “Didn’t they offer you anything?”

Husband: *laughing ruefully* “Well, as soon as I arrived, Mum said, ‘Our friends are here to play cards, so you can’t stay. Just put the presents over there. Bye.’ And that was that. I didn’t even get a chance to take my coat off.”

(And she wonders why we don’t visit more often.)

Adding A Little Flavor To The Marriage

, , , , | Romantic | May 10, 2018

(Usually my husband and I share snacks, but occasionally I have some that I would rather keep to myself. Also, my husband has claimed that he does not like M&Ms. I like to mix several different flavors of M&M together, and I keep them where I think they are hidden. One day, I see that my stash has been found and gotten into, but I just shrug it off and say nothing. However, my husband brings it up:)

Husband: “Did you mix some different kinds of M&Ms together in that bag?”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s peanut butter, pretzel, and caramel M&Ms. It’s effing delicious.”

Husband: “I thought so. I was trying to avoid the caramel ones.”

Me: “Well, one good way to avoid the caramel ones is to get your own damn M&Ms and stay out of mine.”

(He did not stay out of my M&Ms.)

Trying To Get His Mind In The Gutter

, , , , | Related | May 9, 2018

(We have a leaky gutter right over the kitchen window. It bugs my mom, so one rainy day she points it out to Dad.)

Mom: “[Dad], you really should fix that leaky gutter.”

Dad: *shrugs* “I can’t do it now. It’s raining!”

(Later, on a nice sunny day.)

Mom: “It’s not raining now. Go fix that gutter!”

Dad: *shrugs* “It’s not leaking now.”

Trimming Different Kinds Of Hedges

, , , , | Related | May 8, 2018

(My son, husband, and I are eating dinner with my in-laws. My father-in-law is looking at his phone and makes an announcement.)

Father-In-Law: *to Mother-In-Law* “Did you know that next Saturday is Naked Gardening day?”

Me: *perking up because I’m planning a trip with my son and nieces next weekend past a local attraction on that day* “Well, we’ll have an interesting sight passing by The Garden of a Thousand Buddhas!”

Husband: “Yeah, it’ll be Garden of a Thousand Booties!”

(My mother-in-law was absorbed in a game on her phone and was oblivious to why the three of us were cackling.)

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