We Entirely Concur

, , , , | Related | September 17, 2020

We are eating dinner. My two-and-a-half-year-old has just eaten a bite that was a bit too hot.

Me: “Drink some water; that will make you feel better.”

Daughter: *Crying* “[Mumbled] will feel me better.”

Me: “What will make you feel better?”

Daughter: *Still crying* “Dessert!”

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Be Glad The Only Ones Barking Mad Are The Humans

, , , | Related | September 16, 2020

My sister was over at my place with her three kids. I had invited her over so we could discuss something related to our parents. I’d like to clarify that I had invited only her. But for some reason, she dragged her kids along. It is a Saturday afternoon, she could have left them with her husband. Fine, whatever. I could handle their presence in my home for a short while. Or so I thought.

She and I are talking while the kids are playing in the living room. They constantly climb over the furniture and grab the delicate vases and antique figurines.

Me: “Please stop grabbing those!”

They continue even though I keep telling them not to. Later they are eating some candy.

Me: *To Sister* “Your kids are eating their candy and dropping the wrappers where they are standing.”

My sister is unperturbed by their boorish behavior and just laughs it off, not even making an attempt to discipline them.

My dogs are both sleeping, but the noise the kids are making wakes them up. The dogs come out of their room and the kids get really excited when they see them.

Kids: “We want to play with the dogs!”

Me: “Okay, but you need to be gentle—”

They rush to the dogs and try to grab them. One of them is about to grab one of the dogs’ ears when I get to them. I am terrified that my dogs (a Doberman and a Rottweiler mix) would be spooked and might defend themselves, the kids might get hurt and my dogs and I would be in big legal trouble – it could be anything from a fine to having to euthanize them. 

I quickly place myself before the dogs and the kids.

Me: “Back off! If you wanted to interact with my dogs you’re going to do it in a civilized manner.”

These kids aren’t used to being told “no” and begin to whine.

Me: “Be quiet and sit on the couch and maybe you’ll get to pet the dogs.”

Sister: “You’re being rude to my kids by telling them not to play in the living room and not to play with the dogs! And they’ve had never been around animals, how would they learn how to interact with dogs if you don’t let them play with yours?”

Me: “Because my dogs will not be collateral damage in your kids learning basic empathy for animals. This isn’t going to work, we’ll just talk on the phone. You and your kids needed to leave.”

She scoffs, tells her kids to follow her (they do this while continuing their ear-piercing whining) and start walking out.

Sister: “You know nothing about kids.”

Me: “I do know one thing: you’re supposed to teach them to respect other people’s homes. Something you are clearly incapable of doing.”

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What’s Mine Is Mine. What’s Yours Is Also Mine.

, , , , , | Related | September 15, 2020

My doctor has filled out the paperwork for me to get a disabled placard. Today, I’m going to the tags place to have it notarized and sent off. I only have $3 on me, though, so I ask my husband to leave me $5 so I have enough when he goes to work.

I get up and go downstairs, looking for the money. I don’t see it. He comes home for lunch before my mother-in-law and I leave, and the following exchange happens.

Me: “Did you forget to leave me $5?”

Husband: “No, I left it where I normally leave it.”

I look around on the floor, thinking maybe the cats knocked it off. It’s nowhere to be found.

My husband asks my mother-in-law if she saw it.

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, I took it.”

We both told her that he’d left it for me for the tag place. She grew all indignant and said she needed money for lunch.

She gave it back to me, but what gets me is that when he leaves money for her, it’s by her spot. This was down at the end of the table where we sit. It was unbelievable.

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Oh, I Love Funny Exiting Lines!

, , , , | Related | September 15, 2020

I’m babysitting my younger siblings, who have all gone to bed, and I am in our family den watching “Rear Window” by Alfred Hitchcock. Our den has a set of double doors that are closed behind me. It’s the end of the movie, where the killer turns off the power in Jimmy Stewart’s apartment and is coming up the stairs. I’m leaning close, eyes wide at the screen, and the door flings open to reveal the killer when…

Dad: *Flinging the den doors open* “Hey, we’re home!”

I jump six feet in the air and scream bloody murder.

Dad: *Bewildered* “What?” *Sees the TV* “You’re not allowed to watch Hitchcock anymore.”

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Dale Probably Needed His Sleep On Race Day, Too

, , , , | Related | September 14, 2020

My grandmother is OBSESSED with NASCAR! The Daytona 500 is like a religious holiday for her and she spends the entire month before the race getting decorations and meals planned for the Daytona 500 weekend. It’s a bigger deal for her than Christmas and Thanksgiving are for most people. She also literally worships the late NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhardt, Sr., to the point of having a shrine to him in her house for almost twenty years after his death in 2001.

My husband and I are currently stationed in South Korea.

It is the day of the race and she decides to call me. Please note that South Korea is thirteen hours ahead of the east coast of the United States and I have been in bed sleeping soundly for the past five hours.

The phone rings.

Me: *Very sleepy* “Hello.”

Grandma: “It’s Grandma!”

Me: “Oh, my God! Is there something wrong with Grandpa?!”

Grandma: “No! Do you know what day it is?”

Me: “I think it’s Monday.”

Grandma: “No, it’s the Daytona 500! Why are you sleeping?! You should be watching it right now! Does the military not show the Daytona 500 in Korea?! I swear I will call my congressman if they don’t! They have no respect for Dale!”

Me: “They are showing it at the base club but I don’t feel like dragging myself there at three o’clock in the morning! I have an appointment at Yongsan Army Garrison in Seoul at eleven this morning; I have to leave by 8:30 to make my appointment time so I need to sleep.”

Grandma: “It is un-American not to watch the Daytona 500! You are really disrespecting Dale by not watching it!”

Me: “But it’s three in the morning! I don’t feel like crawling out of bed and walking across the entire base in the freezing cold just to watch a NASCAR race! It is too late to get a taxi on base, anyway.”

Grandma: “But this is the most important race of the season! Dale died in that race! You need to respect his memory by watching the Daytona 500 every year!”

Me: “Look, Grandma, I am really tired and I have a doctor’s appointment at Yongsan Army Garrison in Seoul later this morning. I don’t want to try to fight rush hour traffic in Seoul while I am overly tired. I’m going back to bed.”

Grandma: “But the Daytona 500 is the most important day of the year! You need to stay up and watch it! I am ashamed that you aren’t watching it! Dale is looking down from Heaven condemning you for not watching it!”

Me: “Whatever, Grandma. I really need to get back to bed.”

I ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up four hours later, my caller ID said that she had called me EIGHT times between then and seven am. My mom later emailed me to let me know that all my grandmother did was talk about how I should have been watching the Daytona 500 and that I was “lazy” to stay in bed! My grandmother actually wouldn’t talk to me for several months because she thought that I had “disrespected” Dale Earnhardt by not watching the Daytona 500!

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