Drawing Towards Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

(I have always considered myself lucky. My dad wasn’t the type to make puns or dad jokes. That ended today. We are making ourselves breakfast, and the belt loop on my jeans becomes stuck on the drawer’s knob. This happens.)

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it. I got stuck on the drawer.”

Dad: “It’s stuck on you.”

Me: “I don’t return the feelings.”

Dad: “You could say it’s… drawer-n to you.”

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it! IT’S TOO EARLY TO MAKE DAD JOKES! MOOOOM!”

(We almost went through life without a dad joke or pun.)

This Relationship Has Turned Sour (Milk)

, , , , , | Romantic | November 2, 2018

(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

Marriage Is A Sauce Of New Foods

, , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2018

(My husband was not a very adventurous eater before we met, and his mom was not much on cooking. I discovered this when we were dating and I would cook dinners for us. Here are some of my favorite exchanges we’ve had.)

Husband: “What’s wrong with this apple?”

Me: “Nothing?”

Husband: “But it’s pink. Apples are only red or green.”

(It’s a pink lady apple, but he didn’t know there were more than red delicious or Granny Smith! Another time, while eating a stir fry with a peanut sauce…)

Husband: “This is good. Can I see the bottle the sauce came in so I can buy some?”

Me: “It didn’t come in a bottle, but I can give you the recipe.”

Husband: “You made this? I didn’t know a regular person could make a sauce.”

(Another time, while eating some mixed vegetables…)

Husband: “These green beans taste a little funny.”

Me: “That’s because they’re asparagus.”

Some Adults Make It Public For A Living

, , , , , | Related | October 30, 2018

(I’ve always been a good reader, and I love reading and learning about new things. As such, when the time comes to learn about the birds and the bees, my mum gets me a book on the topic and tells me to ask her if I have any questions at all. I also like to know the reason behind everything, particularly the reason things are called particular names.)

Me: “Mum, I’ve just started this chapter about the new hair I’m going to get.”

Mum: “Yes, it might seem strange, but it’s totally normal.”

Me: “Okay. I’ve only read the first page, but I was wondering… Is it called ‘public hair’ because everyone can see it, like Dad’s beard?”

Mum: *laughing* “Um, I think you’ve misread a word there. Have another look.”

Me: “Oh, what does ‘pubic’ mean?”

Blame Canada

, , , , , | Related | October 29, 2018

(My dad is an immigrant and a visible minority. Given his age, he’s also out of touch with modern pop culture. He goes by the name “Timothy” for the sake of convenience. Usually, it’s his coworkers, bosses, and acquaintances who call him by this name.)

Dad: “So, I have a nickname at work.”

Me: “Really? What do they call you?”

Dad: “They call me Tim or Timmy.”

Me: “Dad, that’s nothing new. Many people named Timothy are called those names.”

Dad: “Okay, but the people who call me Timmy say it in a really weird way.”

Me: “Weird, how?”

Dad: “They usually shout it loudly, with a raspy tone. Like, ‘TIMMAAAAAAY!’ They also flail their arms around, for some reason.”

(I almost lose my composure from his demonstration, which is very uncharacteristic of him.)

Me: “Uh, wow, that is weird.”

Dad: “I’m not sure why they do this specific action. And it’s not just one person; it’s actually several people doing this.”

(I’m still not sure if I should tell him about South Park. I’m afraid that it’ll raise more questions than answers.)

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