The Gift That Never Starts Giving

, , , , , | Romantic | July 11, 2018

My ex-boyfriend had a habit of not buying me birthday gifts. Usually his excuse was something like, “I couldn’t figure out anything,” or, “I’ll get you something later.” The latter also ended up with, “Sorry, couldn’t figure out anything for you.” I didn’t mind too much, because I didn’t want to be materialistic, and I had some self-esteem issues, too, at the time, which made me think I didn’t even deserve any gifts.

One year, my birthday was approaching and my ex-boyfriend’s mother asked me what her son had given me as birthday gifts in the previous years. When I told her, “Nothing,” she was quite astounded, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

However, my ex actually got me something that year: a pretty piece of jewelry. I was very happy that he had made some effort and got me something; he had thought of me. I figured that his mother had had a talk with him about the matter.

A couple of months later, I was cleaning our apartment and I found the receipt of my birthday gift. I was about to throw it away, when all of a sudden I realized something. I remembered the date on the receipt. We were at our friends’ place out of town the whole day. There was no way he was in jewelry store at the time.”

Then it hit me. I went to my ex-boyfriend and asked, “Did… Did your mother buy this gift?”

“Haha, yeah!”

It turned out his mother had gone alone to the jewelry store and picked out something for me. My ex hadn’t asked her to, and she hadn’t consulted my ex. Then, she gave the present to my ex and told him to give it to me as a birthday present. She did not ask money for the jewelry, and my ex never paid anything for it. And he had happily accepted. Again, he hadn’t had to expend any effort for my birthday.

Of course my ex’s mother meant well, and I appreciated that. However, my ex’s actions — or non-actions — made me so sad and disappointed. I even started to cry after the revelation, and he couldn’t understand why. “It’s still a gift, right?” To this day, I wonder if I was in the wrong to be disappointed.

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It Will Go Pasta It’s Use-By Date

, , , , , | Friendly | July 11, 2018

(It’s my day off, and I’ve made popcorn as an afternoon snack. I don’t eat all of it, and I don’t want to throw half the bag away, so I put it in the largest container I can find: a see-through plastic one. My roommate comes home.)

Roommate: “I thought that was pasta! I was going to ask if it needed to go in the fridge!”

Me: “Haha. No, just popcorn! I didn’t want to throw it out if I might eat the rest in another day or two.”

(The next day.)

Roommate: “Your pasta-popcorn freaked me out again!”

Swear Goes The Neighborhood

, , , | Friendly | July 10, 2018

(I live in the country and don’t have many close neighbours. I do have a neighbour whose house is built almost 500 metres from my house so I can’t see or hear them. However, their driveway goes around the border of my house on the left and back, and is only about 20 metres from my property boundary at times. New neighbours recently moved in, and one day their children are playing on their driveway directly opposite my bedroom window. My bedroom window is open and, as I’m standing near it, I drop and smash a bottle and curse loudly. A few minutes later my doorbell rings.)

Me: “Hi.”

Woman: “Yeah, I’m [Woman] and I’ve just moved in next door.”

Me: “Great to meet you! I’m [My Name]. How are you settling in?”

Woman: “Everything was great until just now. I don’t appreciate you cursing in front of my children?”

Me: “I haven’t been near your children.”

Woman: “My children are playing in the garden, and they heard you curse just now. I do not allow anyone to curse in front of my children, and I am asking you to apologise and not do it again.”

Me: “So, you want to me to apologise for something I did on my private property?”

Woman: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Well, at least you said, ‘please.’ While you’re here: I was trying to nap just now, and your children playing outside kept me awake. I don’t allow anyone to interrupt my naps. Can you please ask your children not to play near my house in future?”

Woman: “No way! You can’t tell my children where to play in their garden.”

Me: “Exactly. Just like you can’t tell me how to speak in my own house. Goodbye.”

(And then I shut the door in her face. We never spoke again.)

Mom Is Totally Mad(iba)

, , , , | Related | July 10, 2018

(A gem once said by my racist mother:)

Mom: “You know, that’s just so wrong! How can they stand for this?! There’s no way it should have been allowed!”

Me: “What do you mean, Mom? Everyone knows that he was innocent of any wrongdoing, and only imprisoned because he opposed their racist government!”

Mom: *looking at me condescendingly like I’m extremely naive* “Oh, really, [My Name]! What difference does that make to any right-thinking person?! What matters is that he spent decades in prison! How can any civilized country elect a man as president who’s spent decades in prison?! He’s clearly unsuitable after that! It’s just wrong!”

(Yes, she was talking about Nelson Mandela, when he and his presidency were once mentioned on the news.)

The Mother Of All Viruses

, , , , , | Related | July 10, 2018

My family moved into a new house in the mid to late 90s. Being a teenager, the first thing I did was set up our computer and get AOL running. At some point later in the day, my mom went to use the phone, and instead of a dial tone, there was a weird beeping. She was convinced I had gone on the Internet and somehow downloaded a virus to our phone line, and there was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise.

She then made me call up technical support and sit on hold for over an hour to get the virus out of our phone. I was a shy kid who hated being on the phone talking to strangers, anyway, much less when I knew the thing I had to ask was moronic. So, when I finally got a tech on the line, I couldn’t stop cringing as I explained the “problem” to them. Shockingly, their response was that it wasn’t possible to get a virus on a phone line. Somehow them saying it was acceptable.

Oh, and we found out later that the person that previously had the phone line had set up voicemail on the line, and that beeping instead of dial tone was used to indicate a message had been left.

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