Those Brownies Will Become Greenies

, , , , , , | Related | October 2, 2019

(When I’m in eighth grade, my class does a large project for what is a combination bake sale and running a small business. We do months of work to plan, design business cards, create stock emails, sell stocks to teachers and other students, and calculate everything from unit costs to how much we’ll need to earn to break even. The only fun part of this entire ordeal is selling our baked goods, which is scheduled to happen on a Friday. Then, a few days before the sale, I come down with the worst case of the flu I have ever had. Even though I’ve been out of school all week, I’m determined to go and sell my brownies, even if I have to sit on the floor wrapped in a blanket and holding a bucket. On the morning of the bake sale, however, I’m bent double over the toilet, insisting between retches that I can go to school.)

Mom: “For the last time, you are not going to school like this!”

Me: “But I—“ *vomits into toilet* “—have to! I—“ *gags again* “I can’t miss this! This is literally the only fun part of the entire project!” *vomits again*

Mom:No! You’re throwing up and you have a fever of a hundred and three! I’ll bring the brownies to school for you and see if someone else can sell them for you.”

Me: “But I need to—“ *gags* “—sell—“ *gags again*

Mom: No! You are staying home today!”

(She eventually managed to convince me — however begrudgingly — to stay home. She got a friend of mine to sell the brownies for me alongside her own treats. To this day, I’m put out that I got so sick that I wasn’t able to sell my brownies.)

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First-Hand Advice

, , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2019

(My first roommate out of college is a coworker who is a heavy smoker. One Sunday morning, I awaken with a cold. I stay in bed as long as possible, but I finally venture out to the living room. He is lounging on our couch, waiting for the pro football games to begin, smoking a cigarette.)

Me: *hacking and coughing*

Roommate: *taking a long draw on his cigarette* “Y’know, you really should stop that second-hand smoking.”

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Only Engineering Confusion

, , , , , , | Related | October 1, 2019

(I am staying with my parents while looking for a new job. I’ve finished another day of looking for positions and sending applications and am ready to kick back and relax, when my mom comes over to me.)

Mom: “I think I’ve found a job for you. Go to this website.”

(She shows me a piece of paper on which she’s written a URL. I navigate to it and read the listing.)

Me: “Mom… this is a civil engineering position.”

Mom: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “I majored in computer engineering. I can’t apply for this.”

Mom: “Why not? It’s an engineering job. It shouldn’t be too different.”

Me: “Look at the description. They want someone who can design and maintain roadways. I’m good at designing and maintaining computer systems. I’d have to learn from scratch.”

Mom: “What were you doing in college, then?!”

(My mom gets up and walks away.)

Mom: “It’s all engineering! You should be able to do that!”

(I didn’t apply for the civil engineering position. Thankfully, I managed to find a job within my field of study, and my mom dropped the matter.)

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Time For Them To Shoot The S***

, , , , , | Related | September 28, 2019

(I’m introducing my new boyfriend to my five-year-old son from my previous marriage. My boyfriend kneels down to speak to my son at eye level.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, slugger! How ya doing?”

Son: “Sometimes poop comes out of my butt!”

(I turn red and facepalm, but my boyfriend doesn’t miss a beat.)

Boyfriend: *patting my son on the shoulder* “Don’t you worry about that. There are worse places for it to come out of.”

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Save That Kind Of Talk For The Bedroom!

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2019

(One morning, my boyfriend is making cheeky comments towards me whilst we are getting ready to leave for work and school. As my four-year-old son is also in the room, I do not want to say anything too grown-up back.)

Me: “I’m going to get you tonight!”

Son: “Yeah! I’m going to take you to bed tonight!”

(He really thought he’d told my boyfriend off and had the “serious-adult face” on and the “serious-adult-pointing finger” whilst he said it. We still use it to this day.)

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