Cannot Accommodate Your Personality

, , , , , | Friendly | September 14, 2017

(A friend posts on social media about needing accommodation while she attends a seminar. I know the post is aimed at me, as I am the only person she knows that lives in the area, five hours from her home. I feel obligated to “invite” her, but also hopeful that we can rekindle our friendship that has started to drift apart. I soon notice small things that make it obvious that it’s not the case for her. She expects me to pay for her meals, when usually we go dutch, or the person visiting pays for the other’s meal. Conversations are short and curt. She demands that the television be turned off when she goes to bed at 8:30, because any sound disturbs her. My husband decides to try starting a conversation with her.)

Husband: “It’s nice to see you. I know [My Name] is happy to spend time with you after so long. It’s good that you are able to stay here”.

Friend: “Well, where else was I going to get free accommodation?”

(My husband just did a double-take, wondering if she was joking. He then gave me a look before leaving the room, when he realised she wasn’t. When she was leaving, she informed me that, seeing as I had invited her this time, it meant that it was an open invitation to come whenever she had another seminar in our area. Thankfully, she soon gave up on the course she had spent thousands of dollars on, so I no longer had to worry. I also cut down our communications on social media.)

That’s Your Cross To Bear

, , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(My niece, my nephew, and I are all visiting my parents’ house for the weekend. In their family room, my parents have a stuffed bear that loudly sings “When I’m Sixty-Four” when you push a button on it. My nephew thinks the bear is scary and makes them put it away when he visits. This time, though, they’ve forgotten. I notice, and quietly hide it away. I go inform my mom what I’ve done.)

Me: *quietly, so just my mom can hear* “Just so you know, you forgot to put the bear away, so I’ve put it in the cupboard under the computer desk. I hope [Nephew] didn’t see it.”

Mom: “He did, but that’s okay.” *turns to my nephew* “[Nephew], Uncle [My Name] just made sure the bear went away. Do you have anything you want to say to him?”

Nephew: *looks me dead in the eye with a most serious expression and angry tone* “Don’t let it happen again.”

The Consequences Of Freedom

, , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(My nine-year-old son hates to take a bath and will try every argument to get out of it.)

Son: “Don’t I have any FREEDOM these days?!”

Me: “Sure. You have the freedom to do what I say or suffer the consequences.”

Son: *groans, but goes to get clean*

Managed To Turn It All Around

, , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2017

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”

Boyfriend: “Then I won’t turn around, because I don’t like those.” *keeps tapping away on the computer*

(Suddenly, I see a little video-screen displaying the study pop up on the computer screen. The image is clearly coming from the webcam on the computer. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for my boyfriend, my naked body is completely covered by the back of the chair. We both begin to laugh uncontrollably.)

Boyfriend: “Drat! Now I have to turn around anyway!” *turns around and gives me a kiss*

Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

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