Pie Down Do Your Last Digit

, , , , , , , | Related | November 12, 2017

Son: “Hey, Mom! You’re never going to believe what [Best Friend] just told me!”

Me: “Do I really want to hear this?”

Son: “Probably not, but I’m telling you, anyway. You know that one scene in ‘American Pie?'”

Me: “You mean the pie?”

Son: “Yep. Well, last night [Best Friend] got home right after his mom left for work, and she’d made him a pie…”

Me: “I do not want to hear any more!”

Boo And Boo-Two, Too

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 11, 2017

(I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling both my boyfriend and my cat ‘Boo,’ which leads to confusion such as this.)

Me: *to the cat* “Hey, boo!”

Boyfriend: “Are you talking to me, or to the cat?”

Cat: “Meow!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that answers that question.”

Pull Your Socks Up

, , , , , , | Related | November 11, 2017

(My brothers and I never really believed in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc, but we did have “fjøsnisser” — small, gnome-like creatures who live in barns and stables — in the garage. They get blamed for things like socks going missing, and things that aren’t where you left them. Mom is also convinced that ghosts exists. I’m visiting for the week, and one afternoon the two of us are sitting in the living room downstairs when we hear a sound from upstairs. This is not unusual, and is just the house settling.)

Me: “It almost sounded like someone walking upstairs. Maybe it was a ghost.”

Mom: “Don’t be silly; we don’t have ghosts.”

Me: “Okay, so, it was a ‘fjøsnisse,’ then.”

Mom: “Sounds about right. You should go make sure you’re not missing something.”

That’s My Story And I’m Stick-ing To It

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 10, 2017

When I was three, my mom was overdue to have my brother and she need to be induced into labor. I was getting impatient, so my parents decided to explain what was going to happen as best they could.

I took the information surprisingly well. I told my mom that everything was going to be okay and that the doctor was going to stick a broomstick down her throat and knock my brother out of her.

Mail Order Disorder

, , , , , , , | Working | November 10, 2017

(I travel a lot and unfortunately have been getting sick a lot recently. I get a loud banging on my door, so I go check it and all I see is a pink slip from a delivery company that says, “vacant?” I go check my mail and there are three letters in there. A week later, I get the banging again and grab the door to see a postal worker standing there.)

Postal Worker: “You need to check your mail more! I thought you were vacant!”

Me: “I travel a lot, and I’ve recently been too sick to move. Usually I check it every other day.”

Postal Worker: “I don’t believe you! You have at least three weeks of mail piled up at the post office.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Also, you see that mezuzah on my door? Clear sign that it’s not vacant because Jews don’t leave a home without them. So, stop harassing me and give me the dumb slip so I can get my three weeks worth of junk mail!”

Postal Worker: “It’s in the mail box.” *he walks away*

Me: “No, it’s not! You were just writing it. I can see it in your hand!”

(No response.)

Me: “Fine! I’ll be there soon. I hope your coworkers got their flu shots!”

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