You Know Everything, Jon Snow

, , , , , | Related | January 12, 2018

(I am looking up a popular television show online using a voice-recognition software.)

Me:Game of Thrones.”

Teenage Daughter: “Who dies!”

(I looked down at my phone to see all of the spoilers I never wanted to see.)

Expecting A Big Fat Apology

, , , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2018

(I’ve recently returned home to New Zealand from overseas travel. I worked in the UK in a pub for over a year and picked up heaps of skills and experience from the job. Now that I’m back home, I need to get a new job to get myself back on my feet. I’ve always had an ability to pull off job interviews well. Now, I’m a chunky girl, but not heinously overweight, and I carry myself well.)

Me: “I saw [Pub] has a sign out looking for staff, so I’m going to go drop CVs in and around them today.”

Mum: “Oh, no, you’re way too fat to work there. I’ve only seen skinny girls working at [Pub]. There’s no way they’ll hire you!”

(Understandably, I am upset, though not surprised as my mum has a massive hang up on my size and is constantly on at me. So, in spite, I apply, and I get called back the same afternoon. After a long, friendly, chatty interview with the manager I get offered the job on the spot. I head home, incredibly chuffed that I’ve not only got a job, but that it’s at the place I was deemed “too fat” to work at by my mum. As I walk through the door, Mum asks where I handed out my CVs today and I tell her, leaving [Pub] till last.)

Mum: “Oh, yeah, and have you heard anything back?”

Me: “Oh, I probably should have started with this, but yeah. I got a new job; I start tomorrow night.”

Mum: “Wow, really? Where?”

Me: “[Pub].”

(Needless to say, her face showed mixed emotions: pissed that I proved her wrong, but ultimately pleased that I was employed.)

Today Is A Good Day To Lie

, , , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2018

(My husband’s sister is obnoxious. She’s always better than you at just about everything, or thinks she knows more about a subject than you. Note that she is woman in her 30s, not a child, so it is in no way endearing. One day while visiting my in-laws, she’s there, and I mention to the nephews that I’m thinking of learning Klingon.)

Nephew #1: “Oh, cool! It’d be really awesome to be able to do that.”

Nephew #2: “You could put stuff on a t-shirt in Klingon and nobody would know what it said! It’d be so awesome!”

Sister-In-Law: *smugly* “I love Star Trek so much that I’m learning Klingon! It’s so easy that I’m nearly fluent!”

(I roll my eyes, knowing that she’s full of bull, but I decide to have a bit of fun with her.)

Me: “Then what’s a p’tak? I’ve heard it in several different series but never could figure out what it was.”

Sister-In-Law: *scoffs* “Oh, that’s an easy one! It means ‘friend.'”

(I cough to hide my laughter, as does my husband, because we know that it does NOT mean ‘friend.’ The nephews even shake their head at her in disbelief.)

Me: “Are you sure? I’d hate to accidentally insult someone by calling them a p’tak. I don’t think it means ‘friend.’”

Sister-In-Law: *snottily* “Yes, it means ‘friend.’ You must not be much of a fan if you think it means anything else.”

(In her arrogance, my sister-in-law smiled proudly at what she thought was the greatest compliment. Any casual Trek fan knows that ‘p’tak’ is an insult by the context in which it is used in the show.)

It’s All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Related | January 11, 2018

(I’m hanging out with my cousins one evening when I tell them the shenanigans I’m going through while training my new dog.)

Me: “My dog is having trouble with the ‘down’ command, and I’ve had to try a few different kind of treats to entice her. I’m surprised the duck treats didn’t work, but shocked the beef liver ones didn’t either. She loves those things!”

Cousin #1: “Did you end up finding something that worked?”

Me: “Yeah, I tried the salami I had in my fridge for my lunch. Success!”

Cousin #2: “That makes sense. I totally would go down for salami.”

([Cousin #1] and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. It took [Cousin #2] a solid minute before she realized what she said. She turned red!)

This Request Is Toast

, , , , , | Friendly | January 11, 2018

(My brother-in-law organizes events. I have just received a bunch of flyers and other stuff which I plan on taking to my school to promote one of his festivals. Also, my boyfriend and I have recently seen a TV ad for schnitzels you can cook in a toaster. He and his friends are thrilled and discuss if they should get some to sell, amongst other items of junk food, at their hangout place. I am at home when the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, what’s up? I’m at [Hangout Place] right now. Do you want to come, too?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, and do you mind bringing a toaster?”

Me: “Ummm, okay. I’ll bring one.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, see ya.”

(I assume the guys did buy those schnitzels only to realize they don’t have a toaster, so I grab mine and head to the hangout place. I arrive to a crowd of about fifteen guys, all of them completely hysterical. I just stand there, baffled and still holding the toaster, until the laughter dies down.)

Me: “What’s wrong? [Boyfriend] asked me to bring a toaster?”

Boyfriend: *barely containing his laughter* “Noooo, dear, I asked you for one of [Brother-In-Law]’s posters. You know, for [Festival].”

(I have yet to live this one down.)

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