Looking For (Micro)Soft Targets

, , , , | | Legal | June 12, 2019

(My wife is on the phone with her 65-year-old father. He’s normally very intelligent, and not losing his mental faculty at all, but he is notoriously gullible. He’s telling her about a call he had earlier that day with Tech Support. It’s clear to us immediately that he was scammed.)

Wife: *to her father* “But you barely use your computer. Why would it have a bunch of viruses?” *listens to him speak* “But your computer was working fine.” *listens to him speak* “[Software Company] called you?” *listens to him speak* “It was a fake website, Dad. It’s just made to trick people by showing error messages and warnings about viruses.” *listens to him speak* “Please tell me you didn’t give him your credit card number!”

Me: “Give me the phone; I’ll explain it to him.” *takes phone*

Father-In-Law: “It wasn’t a scam. He said they found viruses, but he fixed the computer. He was really nice; his name was Mike.”

(My father-in-law used to work as a car mechanic until his recent retirement.)

Me: “Let me ask you one thing. Did your boss ever send you out to check the tire pressure for your clients at their own homes?”

Father-In-Law: “No.”

Me: “Did you ever drive around to your clients to check their oil without even asking them?”

Father-In-Law: “No, that’s silly.”

Me: “Right. It’s their car. They’re responsible for it, not you. And your boss couldn’t afford to pay you to check on everyone else’s cars for free. Right?”

Father-In-Law: “Of course.”

Me: “So, why would [Software Company] pay someone to check your computer for viruses when you never even asked them to? How many people would they need to employ to check on everyone with a computer?”

Father-In-Law: *in total surprise* “I think I’ve been scammed.”

(He called his bank, and they had already taken $1200. I seriously hate scammers.)

Me Dad’s A Muggle; Mum’s A Witch

, , , , | | Related | June 12, 2019

(My whole family is made up of geeks. My mom and sister “pass” as normal unless you find just the right topic, but the geekiness is still there. Mom doesn’t seem to see it that way, though, and insists she just indulges the rest of us. I’m talking to my mom about a convention a friend of mine and her brother went to that weekend.)

Me: “It’s the first time [Brother] has ever done a full weekend at a con because his wife just doesn’t get the appeal and begrudges the cost, but [Friend] brought him as a combination birthday/Christmas gift. [Brother]’s wife is, apparently, a total… well, [Friend] and I call them ‘muggles.’ — people with no connection or interest in nerd things at all who just don’t get it.”

Mom: *brightly* “Like me!”

Me: *after a pause* “Mom, you spend all year putting together your costume for your weekend-long Steampunk murder mystery LARP. You are not a muggle; you’re just niche.”

(Yes, I’m aware that the usage of “muggle” is common online and in my generation. My friend and I didn’t invent it. However, opening that can of worms with my mother would have derailed the conversation into speculation about linguistic shift, as it has done in the past. And I stand by my assessment. Mom used to pick situationally appropriate songs for her D&D bard to be singing and was the reason we used to get so many story modifiers on our bluff checks. No one who has proper opinions on the point in time when it becomes more effective to Aid Another rather than to try and hit the monster themselves should really be calling themselves a “muggle.”)

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

, , , | | Romantic | June 11, 2019

(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

There’s No Mending Fences Here

, , , , , , | | Friendly | June 10, 2019

(I have two dogs and an acre and a half — more than a football field — surrounding my house for them to play in. I thought about a physical fence to keep them in, but they stick to their boundaries without it, so I decide against it. One day, I am out playing with my dogs when a lab mix I’ve never seen before comes wandering in the yard. My dogs are, understandably, upset by this intruder and bark at it but never advance. I take them back inside immediately to decompress and watch the dog wander off. Not ten minutes later, there is a knock on my door. A man I don’t recognize is standing there with the mystery dog.)

Man: “You told your dogs to attack my dog!”

Me: “Um… hello?”

Man: *mocking* “‘Um, hello!’”

Me: “That’s your dog?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, hello. I’m [My Name].” *extends my hand*

Man: *smacks my hand away* “I ought to call the cops on you. Vicious dogs and no fence!”

Me: “They barked. It’s what dogs do.”

Man: “They attacked my dog! He just wanted to play!”

Me: “And where were you?”

Man: “I got better things to do than watch my dog take a s*** and walk around.”

Me: “Sir, you’re aware there’s a hefty fine for not having your dog on a leash when it’s not on your property?”

Man: “He wanted to play with your dogs! What’s the big deal?”

Me: “My dogs were on my property and chased your unrestrained, stranger-dog away. And you were nowhere in sight. That’s the big deal.”

Man: “So?”

Me: “If you want your dog to play with mine, I have no problem with that. But I don’t know you and I don’t know your dog, so I’m certainly not going to let my dogs interact with him.”

Man: “I know a f****** pit-bull when I see one! They’ll get a bullet between their eyes for this!”

Me: *seeing red* “Leave.”

Man: *steps closer* “Yeah?”

(As if on cue, my dopey dogs finally got up from their naps to see who was at the door, saw the other dog, and barked at it again. The louder one pushed her way past me and got face-to-face with the lab mix. The man grabbed his dog by the collar and marched off. I decided it was time to put up a chain-link fence after all. I have seen him walking his dog past my fence a few times. I always smile and wave but he never acknowledges me. Such neighborly behavior! By the way, my two “pit-bulls” are English Mastiffs.)

The Windy City Isn’t As Windy As It Used To Be

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 10, 2019

(I live in the state of Wisconsin and I have Internet friends all over, including one in North Carolina. The following is a conversation I once had with her.)

Friend: “Come give me a hug!”

Me: “Sure! I’ll be there in however long it takes me to get from Wisconsin to North Carolina.”

Friend: “Wisconsin?”

Me: “The state? Wisconsin?”

Friend: “Wisconsin is a state?”

(We get other Internet friends involved, most of them yelling at her that yes, Wisconsin is a state. I start trying to describe where it’s located to maybe get her to realize.)

Me: “Have you ever heard of the city Chicago?”

Friend: “Chicago? Yeah, isn’t it over by Idaho?”

Me: *deep sigh*

Page 5/2,085First...34567...Last