Take Your Mansplaining And Shove It Down The Toilet

, , , , , | Romantic | October 25, 2019

(My husband has been disabled the past two years and now sits down to use the toilet. He is also on day two of quitting smoking, so he still goes and sits out on our deck for “a break.” Tonight I join him on the deck.)

Me: “After sitting on that hard seat, I think I need to go poop.”

Husband: “Try sitting on the toilet. Now that I sit to pee, sometimes it just happens, and I’m like, ‘Oh, I needed to poop.’”

Me: *giggling* “Yeah, I get that.” *laughing* “It’s like it’s happened every single day of my life.”

Husband: “Oh, my God. I just explained sitting on the toilet to relieve myself… to a woman.”

Me: *belly-laughing*

Husband: *head in his hands* “I’m an idiot.”

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Reached Your Olive Tea Total

, , , , , | Related | October 25, 2019

(I currently live with my mum. She’s bought a tub of dressed olives that she’s eating.)

Mum: “You know, there’s a bit too many in here for me… Do you want some?” 

(She extends the tub in my direction.)

Me: “No, thanks. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Oh, okay.” *stands there thinking* “I know. I’ll put the rest in tonight’s tea!”

Me: “I… don’t like olives, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes, chicken and olives. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?”

Me: “No. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Okay, dear, I heard you.”

(There were olives in the tea. I was told off for picking them out.)

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He’s Very Aang-ry

, , , , , | Related | October 24, 2019

My dad is in his 60s but has maintained a healthy love of cartoons throughout his life. I, being the doting child I am, have taken it upon myself to keep my dad up to date with the best modern cartoons I can find to keep him from spiraling into a media black hole of Hallmark movies and Fox News.

I visit my dad on Mondays after work and one week decide to show him the first couple episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender over dinner, with the intention of watching several episodes a week until completion.

Best laid plans, I suppose.

Two days later, I get a distressed text from father dearest that read something like this: “I hate you! I have important things to do but I haven’t gotten any of them done because I can’t stop watching Avatar!

He had binged all 61 episodes in two days. I think he liked it.

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Brotherly Love Knows No Heights

, , , , , | Related | October 23, 2019

I am about to embark on my first flight. Not only am I a little nervous, but it is also a ten-hour flight, so my sweet and helpful brothers have loaded some movies to watch to keep me distracted. The movies?

  • Alive
  • Snakes On A Plane
  • Airport ’77
  • Con Air
  • Skyjacked

I later joked with my brothers that The Landing On The Hudson hadn’t been released yet or it would have made the list. My brother said that it would not have, due to there being “not enough casualties.”

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We Don’t Know Why We’re Riveted To This But We Are

, , , , | Related | October 23, 2019

Dog: *starts barking at the window*

Stepdad: “What’s he barking at?”

Other Dogs: *start going wild*

Stepdad: “Everyone, SHUT UP!”

Dogs: *goes silent*

Stepdad: “What were they barking at?”

Stepbrother: “[First Dog] saw a rabbit, and the other two just copied him.”

Stepdad: “Nutty dogs.”

Dog: *starts going nuts*

Stepbrother: “Now there’s a cat outside… The cat is stalking the rabbit. The rabbit took off, and now the cat’s looking disappointed.”

Stepdad: “Stupid cat should have caught him when she had the chance.”

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