Need To Take A Clean Break

| CA, USA | Friendly | May 26, 2017

My mom decides to visit my apartment, which I share with two roommates. They’re sloppy, and my mom is a neat freak, so I plan out a schedule to clean before she comes. We agree on it, and everyone’s excited to meet my mom.

Three days in, my roommates have done nothing, the apartment is half-clean, and my mom is visiting tomorrow morning. I also come down with a low fever and a migraine, so after struggling through the first half of the day, I explain that I’m going to lie down for a little bit, and I really hope they do something while I’m passed out.

Six hours later, it’s 9:00, and no progress has been made. My roommates are gone, with only a scrawled note to explain that they went out to the bar; they’ll be back around 3:00. Yay.

That’s the story of how I ended up cleaning an entire apartment, with a migraine, running a 101°F (about 39°C) fever. I am so glad I finally moved out a few months later.

You Gotta Be Kitten!

| Duncan, BC, Canada | Friendly | May 25, 2017

(When I am 13, my dad gets me a cat. A couple years later, as a teenager, my mom starts dating a guy who absolutely loves animals, and is vegan because of that. Shortly after he moves in, my cat gives birth. We get her fixed immediately after, and keep one kitten. We are waiting for her to get older before we get her fixed, too, but a few weeks before her appointment she starts getting fat. We think it might be too late, and she is already pregnant, but they bring her in anyway to see what the vet will say. When they get home, the cat is partly shaved and walking very gingerly, so I assume everything went as planned.)

Me: “Oh, so the fixing went fine?”

Boyfriend: *walks away without a word*

Me: “Um… Mom?”

Mom: “Sit down, sweetie…”

(She then explains to me that my kitten has not been gaining weight because she is pregnant, but because she has been diagnosed with FIV (aka feline AIDS) and her intestines had been filling up with fluid. The vet drained the fluid, but her prognosis isn’t good, and she’s basically been sent home for palliative care. Her boyfriend is so upset by the news he doesn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day. The vet gave us a pamphlet about FIV, which says that about 10% of cats get it, and of those affected, only 10% survive. So, we brace ourselves for the fact that my kitten is most likely going to die. Fast forward a couple months. She’s healed from her operation, is very active and spry once more, so we again book an appointment to have her fixed.)

Mom: “Hi, this is [Mom]; I’d like to make an appointment for [Kitten] to have her spayed.”

Vet: “She’s still ALIVE?!?”

(Not only did my kitten beat the odds, but she turned 11 this year. And I still call her Kitten, because she still acts like one!)

Spoon-Fed Those Spankin’s

| USA | Related | May 25, 2017

(I am about nine years old, playing at my best friend’s house. We recently moved farther away from each other so I really don’t want to leave when my mom tells me it’s time. I scramble under my friend’s bed and refuse to come out. My friend’s little brother, probably three, is also in the room.)

Mom: “Get your little butt out here! We have to go!”

Me: “No! I don’t wanna leave!”

(We are all laughing by this time. My mom can reach my legs and she starts to pull me out but I hang onto the bed frame.)

Mom: “Get out here or I’ll give you a spanking.”

Friend’s Little Brother: *with obvious glee* “I’ll get the spankin’ spoon!”

(He runs out the room and returns with a wooden mixing spoon and happily hands it to my mom. I did actually get a good whap on my thigh before I came out from under the bed.)

Makeout Sessions Leave You Tapped Out

, , , | Romantic | May 25, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are spending the night together, and we’ve started making out.)

Boyfriend: *in between kisses* “Come on, show me what you can do.”

Me: “I can tap dance.”

Boyfriend: “No, in bed.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never tried tap dancing in bed, but I can give it a shot.”

Boyfriend: *bursts out laughing* “I was hoping you were going to take it in that direction!”

(After six years, I guess he would know what my sense of humor is like.)

Mother’s Knowledge Is Victoria-Victorious

| CA, USA | Learning | May 25, 2017

(My history textbook is awful. It’s full of typos and if I need to know something, it’s most likely barely covered, if even mentioned at all. I’m trying to do a report on Great Britain in the 1800s, and my mom knows all sorts of stuff from the era due to watching British historical dramas. We are discussing Queen Victoria, as her reign encompassed most of the time period I’m writing about, and comparing her knowledge to what’s in my textbook.)

Mom: “She married her first cousin.”

Me: “It doesn’t tell me that. She married a German prince, Albert.”

Mom: “Who was her first cousin.” *explains how Victoria and Albert were related*

Me: “It doesn’t tell me any of that! I only have, like, five paragraphs on her!”

Mom: “Does it tell you her dog’s name?”

Me: *scans* “Nope.”

Mom: “Oh. Well, I figured it would tell you some useless, random fact, like her dog’s name or something.”

Me: *scans again* “She had 36 grandchildren…”

Mom: “Yeah, she had nine kids!”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t tell me that!”

Page 2/1,75312345...Last