You Can Tell It’s A Cat By The Way That It Is

, , , , , | Friendly | May 1, 2021

My friend is watching my Maine Coon while I’m out of town for a few weeks, sometimes staying the night so the cat isn’t alone. The cat is on a vet-approved diet to lose a few pounds, so no kitty treats, only a measured amount of food. One night, [Friend] calls me via video chat.

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Friend: “Your cat is a fat b*****d.”

Me: “Yes. And?”

Friend: “I decided to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner here tonight and your cat was sitting by the table, watching me eat it. He kept trying to reach up and steal a piece and I kept pushing him back down. I told him he wasn’t allowed and he got very upset.”

Me: “Yes, he’s horribly neglected and wasting away. I know; he tells me all the time.”

Friend: “I went to the garage to get a beer from the fridge out there and I came back and saw this.”

He turns the camera to see an empty plate on the table.

Me: “Oh, no.”

He shows me the tell-tale trail leading off the table, across the kitchen, and into the living room, and then stops on my cat trying to drag the chicken under a recliner. Unfortunately, the chair is too low for my huge cat and his prey, so he resorts to trying to pick the carcass clean, grumbling, and making eye contact with [Friend].

Friend: “He won’t let me take it.”

Me: *Laughing* “I’m so sorry. I’ll send you money for another one.”

Friend: “Oh, no, I was pretty much done with it. I’m just showing you what a greedy brat you’ve raised.”

I did send money anyway, both for the chicken and to cover the carpet cleaning. Eventually, [Friend] did wrestle the chicken away, though he paid with his skin. And, if you’re wondering, my cat is almost to his appropriate weight.

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Always Finding The Upside

, , , , , | Related | April 30, 2021

I’m both an author and a big nerd; therefore, it’s probably not a surprise that I’m always trying to get my kids to read. Both are reasonably accepting of my enthusiasm for the written word but would much rather be on the computer. The other day, I brought home a small stack of books I thought my eight-year-old might like.

Daughter: “Oh, thanks, Mom! I love books. They’re good for when I have no electronics privileges because they’re just like phones except you can only do one thing on them: read.”

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Trash Parenting

, , , , | Friendly | April 29, 2021

We live on the ground floor of a four-story building. Our apartment has a small garden which only our flat can use. Unfortunately, we have a problem with neighbours trashing our garden.

Our upstairs neighbours not only throw a lot of trash but also plates and cups down. We complain often to the management, but up until they introduce a fine, nothing changes.

One day, a mother passes with a child while I am sitting in the garden. The mother passes quickly but the child stands at the corner of the garden and throws trash inside.

Me: *Shouting* “Please, don’t throw any trash. There is a bin just a few meters away!”

The child looks at me and throws something again.

Me: “Didn’t you understand me?!”

Suddenly, the mom comes running and takes the child by the hand.

Mom: “WHY DID YOU THROW IT THERE NOW?! NOW THE WOMAN SAW YOU!” 

And off they walked. Yeah, how about not litter at all, not just when people can’t see you?

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Quick! Write That Down!

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2021

My girlfriend and I are coming home after double-dating with one of our friends and we’re commenting on their relationship. The friends had a pretty big fight about when their anniversary was. We joke about the fact that we never remember when we met all the time and would never fly off the handle like that.

Me: “Babe, when is our anniversary?”

My girlfriend gives me a deer-in-headlights look.

Girlfriend: “Sometime in… May?”

Me: “Really? I thought it was sometime in September.”

Girlfriend: “Crap. There has to be a way to figure this out, right?”

Me: “What movie did we see before we started dating? That will help.”

Girlfriend: “Were we together when The Avengers came out, or was it The Hobbit?”

Me: “Uhh, we saw the last Hobbit together, right?”

Girlfriend: “But we were together before that, so November?”

Me: “That doesn’t sound right.”

Girlfriend: “I know… Shoot, I know your birthday and you know mine. You know what? I know how to solve this.”

She walks into our spare room and comes out with our year calendar and the darts from the dartboard.

Girlfriend: “All right, I’m going to throw a dart and whatever day it lands on is our anniversary.”

Me: “Sounds fair enough.”

She throws a dart and then goes and looks at it and starts cracking up.

Me: “What date did it land on?”

Girlfriend: “TODAY!”

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Self-Love Is Tops

, , , , , | Related | April 28, 2021

My niece is around three.

Me: “I love you, [Niece].”

Niece: “I know. Everyone loves me.”

Me: “Oh? Everyone does?”

Niece: “Uh-huh. Mommy is always telling me she love me, and [Grandmother] does, and my teachers all love me.”

Me: “I understand why they would all love you. You’re smart, kind, and one of the best-behaved kids I’ve ever known. What’s not to love?”

I still smile when I remember her confidence in declaring everyone loved her. I hope she can keep up that self-esteem as she gets older!


This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for April 2021!

Read the next Feel Good roundup for April 2021 story!

Read the Feel Good roundup for April 2021!

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