If You’re Looking For A Sign, This Is It

, , , , , | Friendly | July 21, 2021

As a raised Christian who has since turned agnostic (bordering on atheistic), I make a point of maintaining an “agree to disagree” policy when communicating with other religious people. I give a simple nod and neutral reaction to any statements referring to their faith.

However, one friend I have had since high school is so deeply religious, it has me questioning whether it is faith or sheer madness. For example, she told me she had been permanently banned from returning to a church where she’d been a member for many years. I asked what happened.

Friend: “I had a dream that [Pastor] was having sex with [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]! And I knew in my heart this was a revelation from God. I told his wife about it and then told [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]’s parents that they should sit down with her and find out what was going on.”

Sometime later, she lost her job and remained unemployed for quite some time. She mentioned to me that the public assistance she was using was about to expire and she was concerned she was going to lose her apartment.

Me: “I know for a fact my job is hiring because we’ve been seriously understaffed after a group of people moved on after graduating from college. I’m great friends with the team leader and even the human resources manager; I can definitely set you up with an interview!”

Friend: “No… I don’t feel that God is leading me in that direction.”

Me: “Okay… but what are you going to do? You’re running out of time.”

Friend: “Maybe go to Syria and share the word of God with the terrorists so they will stop killing innocent people.”

Me: *Holding in various comments* “Okay, not that you would survive longer than two weeks, but how do you intend to get over there with no money and survive with no source of income?”

Friend: “God will take care of me.”

Me: “Right. Well, what’s your plan B if you aren’t able to make it out of town?”

Friend: “I have no choice but to wait on a sign from God. I’m hoping for an epiphany or for Him to send an angel to tell me what I should do next.”

I’m stunned into silence… and then I start slowly flapping my arms.

Me: “I’m Saint [My Name], sent directly from Heaven with a special message just for you. You are about to be homeless soon. Get… a… job!”

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Superbrother!

, , , , | Related | July 19, 2021

When my brother is five and I am three, my mother attempts to go to the bathroom by herself. When she comes out, she finds me holding an apple that has been impaled on two knives, eating it like corn on the cob. She promptly takes it away.

Mom: “[Brother], why did you do that?!”

Brother: “She wanted an apple, but I couldn’t reach the apples, but I could reach the knives!”

Mom: “You could have hurt yourself!”

Brother: *Suddenly sobbing* “I did hurt myself!”

He brought his hands out from behind his back to reveal that he had cut himself on the web of one hand. Mom cleaned him up and brought us to the hospital. Because she was so concerned about getting him seen, she didn’t change us out of our pajamas, and my brother was wearing Superman pajamas, cape and all. By the time we were ready to go home, several doctors had stopped by to say hi to “Superman” and compliment him for being so brave while he got his stitches.

It was a while before Mom trusted us to behave ourselves enough to go to the bathroom alone again.

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This Trip Will Be One For The Books

, , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: joeltheconner | July 17, 2021

My wonderful family of four is on a trip to visit family and friends. Four years ago, on a trip with the same itinerary as this one, I booked our hotel as I usually do. I am what you would describe as “thrifty,” and I don’t like spending a ton on hotels when we are basically just sleeping there.

The hotel I booked for this leg of the journey was probably not the most high-class, and sure, it was not in the safest area of town. This was definitely a hotel where some acts of questionable legality and morality occur. In my defense, it was a very last-minute booking as we were supposed to be staying with family and there were very few options available under $150 a night.

The stay there ended up being fine, but it has been a long-running joke between us for the past four years.

We are now visiting for the first time in four years. I go to book the hotel.

Wife: “No way! It’s my hometown, and I am doing it this time.”

So, she pulls up a hotel booking site and starts looking at places, specifically looking for a place with a pool for the littles. She looks at one and reads the reviews and details.

Wife: “This one looks good, especially for such a low price!”

She even calls to make sure the pool is open because of the health crisis. I look at the photos and look back at her, thinking she is making a joke. She is not. I just smile.

Me: “Whatever you think, babe!”

Yep, you know what’s coming.

As we approach the hotel, I see a look of confusion slowly wash over her face.

Wife: “Wait, is this…” *Trails off*

Me: “Yep! It sure is!”

She booked us in the exact same hotel that she had been giving me grief about for four years. I laughed and laughed and laughed. She could not believe she did it, and she also thought it was hilarious. I am vindicated!

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Oh… Oh, No…

, , , , , , | Related | July 17, 2021

I’m gay and my family is very supportive. I’m visiting home from college during Thanksgiving break, and I invite my boyfriend to come along. We get a warm welcome and dinner goes smoothly.

On Friday, traditionally, my mother makes a lot of candy and we ship them off to friends and relatives. My boyfriend and I help box everything up. This year, she has decided to make about six different kinds of fudge.

As my boyfriend and I are cutting, wrapping, and boxing up the candy, my mom sticks her head into the den.

Mom: “How are my little fudge packers doing?”

My boyfriend and I burst into laughter, and it took us fifteen minutes before we were able to stop giggling long enough to explain to her what “fudge packer” meant.

My then-boyfriend is now my husband. I love my family.

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McMalicious Compliance

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: True_Madness | July 15, 2021

When she was younger, my little sister was… a brat. She had to have the best clothes and the best things in life, and she was always chatting with her friends on her mobile. One morning, my mum got a text message from my sister… who was in her bedroom, three rooms away, asking for her to make her some breakfast. My mother took a breath.

Mother: *Texting* “Okay, what do you want?”

My sister responded that she wanted an egg and bacon with a muffin. My mother’s own “McMuffins” were a Sunday special in our house. So, my mother complied. She got a plate, place an unopened egg, a cold piece of bacon, and a muffin on it, walked it to my sister’s room, and placed it in front of her.

Sister: “You didn’t cook it”

Mother: “You didn’t specify!”

And she left the room. My sister never asked my mother for breakfast through a text ever again.

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