Coffee Isn’t Great For Your Tum

, , , , | | Romantic | June 23, 2019

(One morning before work, I wake up with bad acid reflux. After a while of trying ice and other home remedies, I ask my boyfriend to run up to the gas station and get me some Tums. He agrees and asks if I need anything else)

Me: “Yes! Coffee!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Me: “You know what? Never mind.”

This Brother Schooled Himself

, , , , , | | Related | June 23, 2019

(I’m a fraternal twin. My brother and I never get along as kids. When we are growing up, my parents are pretty strict about some things. We can have no TV or computer games — this is before laptops, tablets or mobile phones are common — on school nights unless it is for school, and there are strict rules about manners and swearing, and keeping our grades up and attending school. When starting high school, we are both offered scholarships to a private sports school and given the choice to either attend there or go to the local public school with our friends. I choose to go to the private school while my brother chooses to be with his friends. Often in Australia, private schools and Universities have different holidays than public schools. He soon regrets his decision. My mum has us try on school uniforms. Surprisingly, the private school has a relaxed everyday uniform — black pants/shorts/skirt, blue blouse/polo shirt, and runners — and a formal uniform for when representing the school. My brother only has a formal uniform — black dress shoes, dress tan pants, button-up shirt, blazer, tie, and hat. I go to show my mum that my uniform fits.

Brother: “Mum said to try on your uniform. You’re going to get into trouble.” *laughs*

Me: “This is my uniform; I haven’t got my representative one yet.”

Brother: “Bulls***. You’re going to a private school. You’re such a f****** liar.”

Mum: “[Brother], you know better than to use that language. You’re grounded for the rest of the week. [My Name] is right; that’s her uniform.”

(My brother sulks off to his room. The night before his school starts, I ask to watch TV after dinner as my school doesn’t start for another week. My parents allow me to. My brother walks past the lounge room.)

Brother: *laughs* “You’re in so much trouble. You’re not allowed to watch TV; we have school tomorrow. I’m telling Mum.”

Me: “Go for it. She said I could as I don’t start school until next week.”

(My dad is walking past at this point.)

Brother: “What? That’s so unfair.”

Dad: “She’s right. Regretting not going to [My School] now, aren’t you?”

(Again, my brother sulks off to his room. The day I start school, my brother thinks he’s finally got me. He realises I’m just getting out of bed when he’s leaving to catch his bus.”

Brother: “Oh, now you’re really in trouble. You start earlier than me and you’re not even ready yet.”

Me: “The first week’s orientation. I don’t even have to be there until [one hour after his school starts], and even next week, I can walk to school, whereas you have to catch the bus. I won’t have to leave here until [half an hour after he does] and we finish [half an hour before him].”

Brother: “What? That sucks.”

Me: “You made your choice. You’d better go before you miss your bus.”

(He curses as he slams the door shut, which my mum hears, and he’s grounded for two weeks. Both of us have just got the list for our school camps and excursions for the year. While my school has expensive camps and excursions they are covered as I’m on a scholarship. My brother snatches my list off me.)

Brother: “What? You get to go to [Theme Parks in another state] for a week, [activity #1], and [activity #2]? That’s so unfair. We only get to go to [Local Camp] and [activity #3] and [activity #4].” *spots prices and laughs* “We can’t afford these. You’ll be stuck at school all on your own. Sucked in loser.

Me: *laughs* “Joke’s on you. These are paid for because of my scholarship. I can’t wait to go to [Theme Parks].”

Brother: *to Mum* “This is so unfair. [My Name] shouldn’t get to go to [Theme Parks] if I don’t.”

Mum: “You chose to go to your school. You need to learn to live with your decisions.”

(He stomps off swearing and slams his door, earning another grounding. I do get to go on the trip to the theme parks and other activities, while he complains each time. Come the end of the year, he tries to get into my school again but can’t get a scholarship, and as my parents can’t afford to pay the school fees, he can’t attend.)

Brother: “This is so unfair; she’s got it better than me. She should go to [His School], as well.”

Me: “Maybe, if you weren’t such a dumba*** and actually did your research into which school was better, rather than just wanting to hang out with your friends, you would actually enjoy school.”

Dad: “We need to discuss this further.”

Me: “You and Mum always say we have to take responsibility for our decisions. How is it fair that I should move schools from somewhere I really enjoy and am doing well at just because [Brother] made a poor choice and now doesn’t like the consequences?”

(My parents agreed with me and I finished my schooling at my chosen school while my brother finished at his. I didn’t even get in trouble for swearing.)

Feel Good About The Little Things

, , , , , | | Related | June 22, 2019

(Mum and I are watching TV. An advert plays that has a CGI slinky.)

Mum: “You know, there are people out there who can do all sorts of things with a slinky.”

Me: *grumpily* “I can’t even successfully push one down the stairs.”

Mum: *with excitement and pride* “I can!”

Me: *laughing at her giddiness* “You sound so proud of yourself.”

Mum: “I am!”

You’re Only As Old As You Feel

, , , , , , | | Related | June 20, 2019

My grandmother was very independent and opinionated, even as she grew older. She lived alone in a small house up the street from my family, and my dad got her a system like Life Alert — where you wear a button to summon help if you fall and can’t reach the phone — but for several years she refused to wear the button. Her reasoning was, “But that’s for old people!”

One day my dad lost his temper and yelled, “Mom, you’re 85! You are old people!”

My grandmother whacked him with her wooden spoon, but she wore her button from then on. She fortunately never needed it and lived on her own with help from family and friends until she was 92. For the rest of her life, “You are old people,” was her favorite joke!

Can’t Explain Why Her Head’s Full Of Hot Air

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 19, 2019

(I have just moved into a three-bedroom house with two other people. I am sitting on the couch in the living room when I notice [Roommate], whom I met in college, just going up and down the stairs. She can be a little eclectic at times, so I don’t pay it any mind. Our other roommate is my sister.)

Sister: “Hey, [Roommate], are you okay?”

Roommate: *obviously confused* “I think we need to call the landlord now.”

Sister: “What’s wrong?”

Roommate: “The AC doesn’t work; it’s hotter upstairs than down here.”

Me: “The air isn’t on.”

Sister: “Yeah, and all the windows upstairs are closed, and you know, heat rises.” *shrugs*

(I don’t remember the specific field, but [Roommate] has a degree in a science field.)

Roommate: “No, it doesn’t. What did your parents teach you? That’s so dumb that you believe that.”

(My sister tried to reason with her, I went back to my book, and she walked away confused by how “dumb” we are.)

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