Surprise! It’s Gender Stereotypes!

, , , , , | Related | February 15, 2019

(My two nieces — aged little and littler — and a friend of mine are over. Unfortunately, [Niece #1] has a stomach bug, so no dairy. Before my friend came over, my mother told me to get a “surprise” for [Niece #2] while [Niece #1] snuggled and watched cat videos with her. The surprise was yogurt. A few hours later, [Niece #1] is feeling more energetic after a nap and decides to hang out with me and my friend. After a while, she decides she’s hungry:)

Niece #1: “[My Name], I want a surprise like you gave [Niece #2]. I’m hungry.”

Me: “Uh, hold on a second, sweetie.”

(I text my mother and ask what I can give [Niece #1]. After waiting for a couple moments, [Niece #1] starts waving a wand.)

Friend: “Oh, are you trying to turn [My Name] into something?”

Niece #1: “No.”

Me: “What about a frog? Can you turn me into a frog? I want to be a frog.”

Niece #1: “No! I’m not trying to turn you into something. I’m… I’m trying to turn you into the kitchen!”

(Note, I am female.)

Me: “Oh, is that where I belong?”

Niece #1: “Yeah.”

(Luckily, after the laughing stopped I got the all-clear to give her a popsicle.)

This Will Make Sense In The End

, , , , , , | Related | February 14, 2019

(I live in Georgia and work in a “New York Style” pizzeria. I’ve been there for years and have come across many customers that insist our pizza is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and some that, well, don’t. I’m working a double this particular day and it’s after the lunch rush when we’re pretty slow. A middle-aged woman with blonde hair comes in, places an order to go, and takes it back out to her car, but she doesn’t leave. About ten minutes pass and she comes storming back into the store.)

Woman: “What is this s***?!”

Me: *startled* “I’m sorry? What can I help you with?”

Woman: “This! This s***! I am from New York and I can tell you this is some primo-grade horse s***!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry to hear that you don’t like it. Is it the pizza itself? Was it under- or over-cooked?”

Woman: “I just got off a plane with my husband and wanted something decent to eat. I can’t believe you call this—“ *mockingly* “—NEW YORK STYLE!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that it wasn’t up to your standards, and I’d like to make this right. If you tell me what I can do to help you, we can work from there.”

Woman: *bellowing* “I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! GET ME YOUR F****** MANAGER NOW!”

(My manager, [Manager #1], is in his office and I pull him to the front, then I go hide in the back kitchen until the angry woman leaves. When [Manager #1] returns, he tells me that he ended up just refunding her food, and my job was safe from “entitled crazies.” About an hour later, there’s a shift change, and [Manager #2] comes in. I inform him that I’m covering a couple of shifts later that week, and today is a double-shift. He tells me that if the evening shift is slow, he will plan to send me home early since I’m getting close to overtime; I happily agree. About 7:30 rolls around.)

Manager #2: “[My Name]! Want to go home now? I don’t think it’s busy enough that we’ll need you.”

(Excitedly, I gather my things and clock out. It just so happens that my dad has recently found out that his father — my grandfather — is not biologically related to him, and my dad, using one of those DNA tests from an online ancestry network, managed to track down his half-brother! My uncle is coming to Georgia to meet us and I managed to get off of work early enough to stop by my parents’ house to meet them! Now, don’t beat me to the punch.)

Me: *walking into my parents’ house, calling out* “Hey! I managed to get out early!”

(I walked into the living room and saw a man that looked creepily similar to my father, and a familiar blonde woman. The woman’s jaw dropped, and as I imagined, so did mine. The woman was fairly quiet for the rest of the evening. While I was in the kitchen doing dishes, the angry-customer-that-was-actually-my-aunt sneaked in and embarrassedly apologized to me. My aunt and I never did develop a close relationship, though my uncle comes to visit once or twice a year from their home in New Jersey. I eventually opted not to mention to my dad my previous encounter with his sister-in-law. Also, it turns out my uncle thought the pizza was great!)

Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | February 14, 2019

(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

Maybe It Will Burst Into Flames Like In “The Hunger Games”

, , , , | Related | February 14, 2019

(My sister is getting married, and since she’s the first of my siblings and cousins to get married, everyone in my family is going all-out to help. My aunt is making the cake, my dad and uncles are setting up the venue, my mom made the invitations and is organizing RSVPs, our other sister is doing the flowers, and I’m making her dress — all things she asked us to do. My sister is… difficult sometimes, and while not quite a bridezilla, she complains a lot about what we’ve done, even though we’re following her instructions to the letter and she insists it’s, “fine, I guess,” and then refuses to elaborate when we ask if there’s anything we should change or do over. All in all, she’s being really passive-aggressive while we’re all busting our butts to help her and keep the cost low, and I’m getting sick of it. It comes to a boil at the bachelorette party, where I hear her talking to one of her friends about how difficult and unhelpful everyone in the family is being, and how her friend should just hire professionals for her wedding. After taking time off work, traveling across the country, working for a week straight, and being told everything is fine and we don’t need to change anything, this is infuriating, and I’m in a foul mood when we get back. To avoid snapping at anyone, I go upstairs to do the last bit of tailoring on the wedding dress and text my boyfriend.)

Me: “Sister is driving me crazy. She’s unhappy with what we’re doing, but she won’t tell us what we’re doing wrong, and then she complains when it isn’t how she wants it. I can’t wait until this is over. I’m finishing the dress now, and screw made with love; she’s getting a dress made with rage and frustration.”

Boyfriend: “That sucks and I’m sorry you’re angry… but I have to say, a dress made of rage sounds pretty bad-a**!”

(It gave me a laugh when I badly needed one, and [Boyfriend] did a good job of keeping me sane when he arrived the next day. Whether she was happy with it or not, the wedding did happen, and I now have a completely awesome brother-in-law to make up for my sister’s shortcomings!)

That’s So Corny(flakes)

, , , , | Romantic | February 13, 2019

(I am getting myself and my baby dressed for the day when my husband runs into the bedroom and throws a cereal box on our bed.)

Husband: “There! Now you can say I gave you breakfast in bed.” *runs out*

Me: *speechless*

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