That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 12, 2018

(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

The Elderly In Need Of Education On The Dark Side Of Light Racism

, , , , | Related | November 11, 2018

My grandmother worked in Guatemala for a number of years, and is still very fluent in Spanish. Partly, this is because whenever she meets a native Spanish-speaker, she switches to Spanish, both to help them understand her and to help her keep her fluency.

We had some contractors building an addition onto our house. My grandmother was visiting for a few days, and noticed that one of the trucks said something about “Native American Concrete Mixers.” She mentioned to the two guys walking past the truck that she usually speaks Spanish to people with darker skin, “…but I guess I should speak English to you guys.”

It turned out that they were doing a different part of the construction, and actually were Hispanic, so she had a lovely Spanish conversation with them. But I was cringing a bit the whole time because of how she’d started the conversation.

My grandmother is a wonderful woman. But as she’s gotten older, she seems to have forgotten that you can’t just say things like, “I usually speak Spanish to people with darker skin,” no matter how well you mean.

Victory Cream!

, , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2018

(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

 

Unfiltered Story #124968

, , , , | Unfiltered | November 10, 2018

I have a cousin who I’ve never really been close too for good reason.

I’m 12 years old while she is 14. I’m out shopping with her and my auntie (her mum).

Cousin: oh, these jeans (points to $200 jeans). I want them.

Auntie: what? No. Sorry we can’t afford them right now. Your birthday is coming up, maybe you can get them then.

Cousin (yelling): NO! I want them now!

By now people are staring.

Auntie: I’m sorry. We just can’t afford them.

My cousin then throws herself on the ground and starts kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old until my auntie gives in and buys them for her. From then on I refuse to go shopping with them.

Fast forward 20 years and I have moved inter state for work. Along with my boyfriend I’m visiting my parents for their 40th wedding anniversary which is a family BBQ. My cousin, auntie and uncle are there. After dinner my boyfriend gets down on one knee and purposes to me before I can even respond:

Cousin: NO! NO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

Everyone turns to look at her.

Auntie: what’s wrong?

Cousin to me: you can’t get engaged.

Me: what?

Cousin: I’m the older, prettier, smarter one. I’m better then you, I should get married first.

My whole family is in shock. I’m sick of her temper tantrums and thinking she’s better then me I decide to stand up for myself.

Me: just because your a stuck up, self centered b**** doesn’t mean you get to dictate when I get engaged or married. (To my boyfriend) of course, I’ll marry you.

My cousin proceeds to through a glass bowl with punch in it through a glass door then throw herself on the ground crying and screaming that its so unfair.

My uncle had to pick her up and carry her out to their car. While we where left to deal with the clean up and the ruined an anniversary/engagement party.

My cousin ended up at the ER to get stitches for cuts due to the broken glass door. Needless to say she wasn’t invited to my wedding and I’m not surprised to say she’s still single and none of my family speak to her.

Tourist Hotspots Proven To Be More Enjoyable When Not Shared With Newly-Single Emotional Wrecks

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 9, 2018

My boyfriend and I recently visited two different friends in the same city, both more his friends than mine. The two friends used to be engaged to each other, actually, but when they moved west a few years ago, they split and moved on with other people. While staying with [Friend #1], we make plans to visit [Friend #2]. This second friend holds a very serious, taxing job, working with law enforcement, and has been in a steady relationship for a while now, so while she’s known to be rather over-emotional at times, I assume she’s still a responsible adult and is doing well at the moment. We arrange to spend a day out with her.

Little did we know, [Friend #2] and her girlfriend has just recently broken up before our visit, due to her girlfriend cheating on her. When the day comes to hang out with [Friend #2], she is still an emotional wreck. And the fallout of this starts with her “forgetting” her car at work, meaning that it’s now [Friend #1], our host, who has to drive my boyfriend and me forty minutes across town to — let’s remember — her ex-girlfriend’s place, and drop us off. [Friend #2] then calls a Lyft for us back into town, where we wander a bit and find food.

The lighthearted romp we were expecting, catching up with a friend while on vacation and seeing an unfamiliar city, becomes instead hours of making sympathetic noises while [Friend #2] yo-yos back and forth between hyperactive cheerfulness and all but sobbing — even in a restaurant — over her recent troubles. She has been a good friend, so we are as supportive as we can be, genuinely, but the almost non-stop stream of [Friend #2]’s words plus the emotional whiplash becomes exhausting.

Eventually, though, it’s time to arrange transportation back, and we are at [Friend #2]’s mercy, when she assures us she has a buddy in the area who can meet us and give us a ride. He arrives, and we meet him over a brief drink, learning he’s actually a defense attorney. I say this as though it’s surprising because he doesn’t quite seem the type upon first impression, rather more lackadaisical and bohemian. He even tells a funny story about how he once acquired a Mexican restaurant’s old delivery van simply by commenting on it, which for some reason prompted the restaurant owners to drop the keys into his hand and say he could have it for $1500. And he bought it, because, he shrugs, why not?

I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Sadly for my boyfriend and I, we did not.

[Friend #2] and her defense attorney buddy then lead us to, yep, that very same van, which has the standard two seats in the cab, but nothing else. The back is a bare, grooved metal floor, last cleaned who knows when. The only thing in it is a pile of old shirts. Shaking his head and chuckling, the buddy says to us, “Not sure why there’s a pile of shirts in there, but, you know…” and trails off, shrugging. When [Friend #2] climbs in the passenger seat and cheerfully asks, “You guys okay back there?” we don’t really have a choice but to say sure, and just sit uncomfortably on cold metal in a rickety van while a stranger drives us through a strange city, bouncing us up and down hills, chatting nonstop with [Friend #2].

We do make it out it one piece, but it is a near thing, as the buddy almost slams into a stopped car in front of us at one point, and only avoids it by mounting the curb.

Our outing ends with us basically stranded in another part of town as it gets dark and starts to rain, relying on [Friend #1] once again to fetch us. All in all, it’s not the most relaxing day of our vacation!

 

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