Death Of A Sale(sman)

, , , , | | Related | May 17, 2018

(Around the time I was born my grandmother and grandfather got divorced. Some years after this, my grandmother decides to change back to her maiden name instead of keeping her married name. This ends up causing some confusion. One time in particular, with a phone salesman…)

Phone Salesman: “Is this [Grandmother’s Old Married Name]?”

(My grandmother, not thinking through what she’s saying:)

Grandmother: “There isn’t any [Grandmother’s Old Married Name] anymore.”

Phone Salesman: “Oh, sorry! My condolences!”

(My grandmother didn’t bother correcting him, and she was quite happy with not getting any more phone calls from them.)

Potty Training Is Very Demanding

, , , , | | Related | May 17, 2018

(I’m at a family holiday gathering, playing cards in a circle with my sisters and some cousins. One of my cousins has a young toddler who is sitting with us and watching, until she suddenly looks to her mom across the room, and bellows with amazing articulation:)

Toddler: “Mommy, I’m pooping!” *points her finger* “And I want you to change it!”

(The group of us collapsed into hysterics, and my cousin admitted that if her daughter was old enough to demand her personally for diaper duty, it might be time for potty training.)

A Good Sense Of Humor Is The Best Drug

, , , , , | Related | May 16, 2018

(I have this “conversation” with my father every few weeks when I am living with him in my mid-twenties.)

TV Commercial: “Talk to your kids about drugs.”

Dad: *yelling from the TV room* “[My Name]! Don’t do drugs!”

Response #1: “You’re ruining my life!

Response #2: “Well, I can’t get a refund!”

Response #3: “But I already sent out the party invitations! Also, don’t come home Friday!”

Living In A Special Bubble

, , , , | Related | May 16, 2018

(My boyfriend, our four-year-old daughter, and I are at home and have just finished eating dinner. It’s time for our daughter to start the evening routine.)

Me: “Okay, [Daughter], it’s time for your bath.”

Daughter: “But I don’t want to take a bath; I want to shower.”

Me: “I know, but tonight you’re going to have to take a bath.”

Daughter: “But I’m too big to take a bath!”

Me: “What do you mean? Too tall, or too old to take a bath?”

Daughter: “No, you’re not listening, Mom. I’m too…”

Boyfriend: *interrupting from the upstairs bathroom* “Hey, [Daughter]! Do you want bubbles in your bath?”

Daughter: “Yes!”

(She took a bath.)

Driving The Marriage Into The Ground

, , , , , | Related | May 15, 2018

My husband likes to joke with my dad that he was never paid a dowry for marrying me. My dad’s pride and joy — and the object of my husband’s envy — is a 1967 Chevy Impala, in mint condition. Dad likes to drive it to the beach and to golf. When my husband and I are visiting the hometown, Dad gives my husband the keys and lets him drive it for the duration of our visit. And, he says, when he dies, he’ll leave it to my husband, by way of a legacy and a dowry.

One day Dad sees a boat he’d like to buy. The Chevy’s been spending more and more time tucked up in the garage. He decides to sell the Chevy to buy the boat. He advertises the Chevy on New Zealand’s online auction site. There’s a space for comments under each auction listing, and when my husband sees the Chevy listed, he goes pale. He doesn’t speak. He goes outside to his garage. Then he comes back in and types the following into the comments section:

“That car was my dowry. I’m sending back your daughter.”

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