That’s A Lot Of Dead Pauls

, , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2019

(My grandfather recently passed away. In planning the services, my father and his siblings ask us cousins to be pallbearers. Even though we’ve known quite a few people who have passed, my sister has not been to as many funerals as I have and is not accustomed to some of the terms related to the event. When my father asks if we are okay with being pallbearers, my 26-year-old sister asks a very interesting question:)

Sister: “So… is it called ‘pallbearers’ because Grampa’s name was Paul?”

(She thought it was a Paulbearer for Paul, Tombearer for Tom, Marybearer for Mary, etc. My family and I had a good chuckle during an emotional week.)

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Lovebite Insight

, , , , | Friendly | November 7, 2019

(My best friend and I are in my bedroom. She’s got a hickey on her neck.)

Friend: “Look at the lovebite [Boyfriend] gave to me; it’s huge. Do you know of a way to cover it? I need to hide it from my mother.”

Me: “I have no idea. Makeup, perhaps?”

(Just at that moment, my elder sister comes into the room; it’s clear she’s been listening to our conversation. She is quite immature but always tries to better other people and be an expert on everything.)

Sister: “You should do what I do; I always make sure that any lovebites I get can be covered by clothing.”

(She pulls down the shoulder of her top and shows a small lovebite at the top of her arm before walking out.)

Friend: “Uh, you know that she did that to herself?”

Me: “Yeah, I know. She and [Other Friend] were practicing lovebites the other day.”

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Will Have A Crack At Telling Your Mother

, , , , , | Related | November 5, 2019

(My mother loves gardening. However, she always wears baggy pants with no elastic in the waistband, so when she is gardening, the pants ride down and show off her lower half. My mother has spent the day gardening and now we’re having dinner.)

Sister: “How was your day, [My Name]?”

Me: “Fine, I saw the moon all day.”

Mother: *chiming in* “Really?”

Me: “Yes, with a single crack.”

Mother: “Oh, that is interesting.”

Sister: “Mum, she is talking about your lower half!” 

(My dad who had just walked in started laughing; my mum was not happy.)

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When Mixed Feelings End Up With A Mixer

, , , , , | Related | November 5, 2019

(My wife and I start dating in 2010. I am the first — and only — real boyfriend she has ever had. We date for two years, get engaged, and are together for another two years before we officially tie the knot. We deal with long distances, being in college, and holding off until we both graduate — I am a year ahead of her. On top of that, we go through premarital counseling with the pastor who marries us. The only thing we don’t do is actually live together, because of our shared religious beliefs. To say we have a solid relationship would be an understatement. My wife’s aunt is two-times divorced, going through marital problems with her eventual ex-husband, and has an all-around polar opposite personality and lifestyle of ours. This phone call happens about two months before our wedding, while my wife is in full-on planning mode with her mom.)

Wife: “Hello? Oh, hi, [Aunt]!”

Aunt: “Hi, [Wife], I’m just RSVPing for your wedding. We are not going to be there.”

Wife: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Aunt: “Yeah, we just don’t feel like we can support your marriage to [My Name]. You guys barely know each other, you’ve never dated anyone else, and you two haven’t even lived together! I just don’t think you guys are going to make it, and I don’t want to see you make the same mistake I did. You’re young; you should go out and date other people. Really make sure [My Name] is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

Wife: “I’m really sorry to hear that, [Aunt]. We were really looking forward to seeing all of you. If it makes you feel any better, [My Name] and I have a really solid foundation. We’ve been doing [everything I mentioned above], and we’ve dealt with the different bumps in our relationship so far with open and honest conversations. We don’t ‘fight’ but we make sure to talk things out and not bottle up our emotions. If you really can’t support us or come I understand, but we would still love to have you at the wedding, even if only so we can see [cousins 20+ years younger than her]. I’d really just love to have all the family there.”

Aunt: “Oh, well, I guess we could try to come. I’m sorry I didn’t trust your judgement about [My Name]. Now, I just don’t know what kind of gift to get you. Is there something not on your registry that you’d like?”

Wife: “Well, the only thing we didn’t put on the registry was a [Brand] stand mixer because we knew it was more than most people could afford and we had enough other expensive things on there that we thought were more important.”

Aunt: “Great! What color do you want?”

(And that’s how my wife caused her aunt to guilt trip herself into buying us a red [Brand] stand mixer for our wedding. We just passed our five-year anniversary and had our second kid. Our marriage is stronger than ever. I’m super glad my wife didn’t let her aunt or anyone else talk her out of marrying me!)

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These Nuts Are Rated R

, , , | Romantic | November 3, 2019

Me: *struggling to open a pistachio shell* “Just give me the nut!”

Girlfriend: *not missing a beat* “Maybe you should say ‘please.'”

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