Not Helping Yourself

, , , , , | Related | March 14, 2019

(My mother, my younger brother, and I are staying with my aunt and uncle while on holiday in the UK. The three of us are preparing to make an outing for the afternoon, while my aunt and uncle are going out somewhere else. Mum is disorganised at the best of times, so she is rushing about trying to get ready while also chivvying along my fifteen-year-old brother. I get ready straight away, so I sit down to read while I am waiting. My aunt and uncle are leaving.)

Aunt & Uncle: “We’re off now. See you later.”

Me: “Okay, bye.”

Mum: “What are you doing reading? Get ready.”

Me: “I am ready. I’m just waiting for you two.”

Mum: “That’s not helping. Put down the book and help me get ready.”

Me: “Okay. What should I do?”

Mum: “I don’t know. Just help.”

(I have no idea what she wants me to do, but I try to help expedite the process, anyway. Everything I try to do isn’t what Mum wants, but she won’t tell me what she actually wants, just that I have to “help.” Eventually, I give up. I am forbidden to read, as it is “not helpful,” so I end up just loitering by the front door. Eventually, it opens, and my aunt and uncle walk in.)

Uncle: “Oh, hello. Are you back already?”

Me: “No. We haven’t left yet.”

Sunday School Kindness Applies Seven Days A Week

, , , , , | Hopeless | March 12, 2019

One day, when I am little, my mom misplaces her keys to the house. This is pretty bad because she doesn’t realize this until we get there, and the taxi has already left. This is the age before cellphones, so we can’t call a locksmith, nor my dad, who is currently on the other side of the city with our only car.

There is no public transport nor open shops nearby, and since it’s getting dark, my mom is scared. It’s just her and her daughter on the streets at night.

She decides to go with her raised-Catholic instincts and carries me to a church. There’s no one there but the Sunday school teacher, who’s just finished tidying up, and her husband, who’s come to help her. My mom explains our situation to them and, as it turns out, they live a mere block away from us! They invite us to their house to use their phone, call my dad, and wait there until he arrives.

Everything turns out all right. I only vaguely remember this incident, but my mom still gets choked up thinking about the couple who helped her when she was a scared young mom in need of help.

More Horrifying Than A Gluten-Free Dumpling

, , , , , , | Related | March 12, 2019

(My husband and I have the worst sense of humor. I am at my dad’s place helping to convert a bedroom into an office. The bedroom was used to house a renter a couple of months back, and my dad has been known to bring in interesting characters. While cleaning, I discover an odd article of clothing hanging in the closet that I don’t recognize. I pull it out, and, upon further inspection, I realize that what I thought was a top is actually a pair of black, peekaboo-level, fancy underwear. Horrified, I talk to my dad about it, and he says he believes it belonged to a renter, but to throw it away as the chances of being able to return it are pretty slim. About an hour later, I’m making German dumplings because I’m trying to make the family recipe gluten-free so my husband and I can have it together. My dad hates dumplings, so once I’m done, I end up throwing away the mix and dumplings that didn’t work. As I do so, I see the underwear. I head to the living room where my dad is watching TV.)

Me: “I hope no one is coming back for that underwear.”

Dad: “Why?”

Me: “Because I just took a dumpling on ’em!”

(Cue the groans of horror and disgust. On the bright side, my husband was quite proud of me for my negative-level quality of a joke! I definitely chose a good man!)

Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 11, 2019

(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

Torpedoed The Ending To That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 11, 2019

(My grandfather was in the merchant marines during the Second World War. Occasionally, we’re reminded of how interesting his life has been.)

Grandpa: “There was this one time we were in Curacao and this Nazi U-boat fired a torpedo at us.”

Me: “That’s amazing. You never told me that.”

Grandpa: “It’s not that exciting. I mean, they missed.”

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