Your Girlfriend’s Hot But She Needs To Go

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2021

Our roommate has ricocheted from a long-term relationship into a new girlfriend. We all think it’s way too soon, but as much as we think that, and as annoying as we all find her, we are happy for him.

Me: “[Roommate]! Has your girlfriend been eating food from the shared fridge again?”

Roommate: “I’m sorry, man. She gets hungry and I don’t have anything she likes.”

Me: “Get something she does like, then. Order in, or spend time at her place. Don’t let her eat my food; it’s expensive and I have to go across town to get it.”

Roommate: “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her. Just, you know, we have fun hanging around with everyone.”

Me: *Sigh* “Fine, it’s fine. Just have a word before tomorrow. I’m getting my grandad’s chilli peppers and I’m not sharing with anyone.”

He says he will. I don’t know if he will do it or if she is ignoring him. A couple of days later, [Roommate]’s girlfriend shows up again and goes straight to his room. I’m in and out all night, and I arrive to find the two of them in a shouting match. The girlfriend pushes past me to leave the house.

Me: “That looked bad. You had an argument?”

Roommate: “Yeah, I don’t think she’s coming back.”

Me: “I’m sorry. This isn’t about the food, is it? I’m sorry if it is, but it had to be said.”

Roommate: “Oh, no. She was angry about that. But when I said it was you, I guess she sneaked into the kitchen to eat some of your food.”

Me: “No, not my chillis.”

Roommate: “Yeah, she took a big mouthful and started crying about how hot they were. She said you poisoned her on purpose and I had to make you apologise.”

Me: “Mate, she wasn’t good for you, and she was annoying as h***.”

He moped around for a few weeks, and after a few months, he found a great girl. They moved in together a while later. They come round every so often and she even brings her own food to share. Definitely an upgrade!

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This Wet Blanket Is Throwing In The Towel

, , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2021

I dated a woman for a little over a year when I was twenty-five to twenty-six. She was funded by her family in China but she preferred to take whatever work she could find to give herself some extra cash. One of those odd jobs she took was to house sit for someone for a week. When her time there was coming to an end, she asked me to come pick her up and help her finish her final tasks. The homeowners had a dog, some small- to medium-sized poodle mix.

Girlfriend: “We need to give [Dog] a bath before we go.”

She had never had a pet of her own, but I grew up with dogs and cats so I am well versed in typical dog behavior and care. We entered the master bedroom and I made sure to close the bedroom door. Once I went into the bathroom and started filling up the tub, the dog figured out what we were going to do so she stood with her nose pressed against the bedroom door as she wished to flee.

Once I got the tub ready, I went back out of the bathroom to figure out why my girlfriend had not brought the dog to me yet. I found her kneeling by the dog.

Girlfriend: “Come on, [Dog]. Oh, please, [Dog], it’s okay. Please, [Dog]…”

Me: “[Girlfriend], you’re not going to talk the dog into doing what you want her to do; you just have to make her do it.”

The dog seemed pretty gentle and timid so I bent down and picked her up with one arm under her chest and the other under her hips and carried her into the bathroom. She didn’t struggle as I put her in the tub and she eventually relaxed as I showed my girlfriend how to wash a dog.

When we were done, I grabbed a bath towel to dry the dog and my girlfriend angrily rebuked me.

Girlfriend: “What are you doing?! You can’t use their towels for this!”

Me: “Why not? This is what they are for.”

She was aghast and impatient with my apparent foolishness and rudeness.

Girlfriend: “No! It’s rude to use towels to clean a dog! This is not your house!”

Me: “They’ve had this dog for years; she’s obviously used to being bathed. I guarantee you that they use their towels to dry their dog every time.”

My girlfriend couldn’t be persuaded that it is normal for dog owners to dry their dogs with towels. She decided the best thing to use to dry the dog was… the blanket she’d been sleeping with. I told her that she wasn’t making sense but tried to dry the dog with the blanket. Obviously, the blanket was not designed to be the optimal moisture absorber, so it took a lot of rubbing to try and get the dog halfway dry. Her fur was still matted and damp and she started rubbing herself against the floor.

To my horror, my girlfriend beckoned the dog to the sliding glass door to put her in the backyard.

Me: “No, don’t let her out yet. Let her dry more first!”

Girlfriend: “She has to stay in the backyard when we leave.”

Me: “I know, but let’s do that last. She’s just going to roll in the dirt and get muddy.”

She didn’t listen to me and put the dog outside without another word. I watched as the dog immediately rubbed herself on the ground and got her wet fur caked in mud.

I helped my girlfriend put the blanket in the washing machine and run it, put away clean dishes, and do a few other tasks before I drove her home while contemplating the bizarre experience. It probably comes to no surprise that we broke up later; I could no longer deal with her stubbornly sticking to such strange expectations.

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This Is Why They Say, “Neither A Borrower Nor A Lender Be”

, , , | Related | July 27, 2021

My father has read a certain trilogy of thriller books and insists I must read them, too. I’m not a fan of the genre, but he is very insistent. A few months later…

Father: “When are you going to return those books? I want to lend them to my brother.”

Me: “I think I returned them to you already?”

Father: “No, you didn’t, so give them back.”

Easier said than done. My house is a hoarder’s dream or a nightmare. Books travel through it all the time, to and from charities, flea markets, libraries, remainders, and whatnot. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t give away a lent book, but sometimes the brown stuff happens. After weeks of searches, I give up and buy new copies.

Me: “Here are your books, Dad.”

Father: “Why did you buy new ones?”

Me: “Well, first, because you taught me manners. I lost something of yours and I’m replacing it. And second, frankly, I was getting tired of you nagging me because [Uncle] was being left out of a mind-blowing literary experience.”

Father: “Nonsense! You shouldn’t have. You must be out of your mind. And [Uncle] does not need them so badly anyway.”

Me: “Right, Dad. Can you please give these to [Uncle], and we can all move on?”

Sadly, we don’t. I just swap from being belittled for being untidy and a bad borrower — in spite of the fact that my father forced the books on me — to being belittled as touchy and careless with my money… until a few days ago, when my mother puts two banknotes in my hand.

Mother: “These should cover the expense for your books. I was tidying up your father’s wardrobe and found his copies under the bedsheets.”

I’m thankful that the nagging has ceased at last, since now they’re too embarrassed to mention the issue!

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Welcome To The World!

, , , | Friendly | July 27, 2021

I have a friend who grew up sheltered, meaning he had no TV and his parents controlled what music he listened to, what books he read, and even the people he saw. As a result, he is often innocent and naive, to the point that people often wonder if he’s all there. He has a crush on a beautiful female friend.

Female Friend: “I love Han Solo!” 

She gets up to use the bathroom, and I notice my sheltered friend looking depressed. 

Me: “What’s wrong, [Sheltered Friend]?” 

Sheltered Friend: “She likes this other guy, the one with the Asian name. Han Solo, I think his name is.”

Me: *Starts laughing* “Han Solo isn’t a real person! He’s fictional, in a series of movies and books! She isn’t actually in love with him!”

Sheltered Friend: “Why would she say that, then?”

Me: “It’s just something girls say about someone they like a lot. She could also say she loves [Other Friend] or Stephen King!”

Sheltered Friend: “I know who [Other Friend] is, but who is Stephen King?”

He learned a lot that day.

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But Think Of The Nostalgia Factor!

, , , | Right | CREDIT: Kriss3d | July 26, 2021

Some guy had cut a coax cable in his backyard that carried the TV to the entire neighborhood. We were dispatched to fix it.

We dug a larger hole to get proper access and spliced the cable correctly and insulated it so people could get TV again. The job wasn’t overly hard but these things take time.

At the end of the job, a quite upset elderly lady popped her head out.

Lady: “Hey! You messed up the TV I was watching!”

All right. Understandable. Losing your TV for an hour or two can be annoying. We get it. That’s why we were there. To fix it.

However, she kept yelling at us.

Lady: “My TV reception is really bad! Why the h*** did you make my show black and white?!”

Well, this is odd as a coax cable really has just the signal in one wire and that’s it. It’s not like it can possibly split up the colors and filter them. I went to look at her TV to see if I could figure out the problem.

Sure enough, the TV was indeed in black and white.

Me: “Ma’am. Your TV is showing a documentary about World War II. Of course, it’s in black and white.”

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