There’s No Mending Fences Here

, , , , , , | | Friendly | June 10, 2019

(I have two dogs and an acre and a half — more than a football field — surrounding my house for them to play in. I thought about a physical fence to keep them in, but they stick to their boundaries without it, so I decide against it. One day, I am out playing with my dogs when a lab mix I’ve never seen before comes wandering in the yard. My dogs are, understandably, upset by this intruder and bark at it but never advance. I take them back inside immediately to decompress and watch the dog wander off. Not ten minutes later, there is a knock on my door. A man I don’t recognize is standing there with the mystery dog.)

Man: “You told your dogs to attack my dog!”

Me: “Um… hello?”

Man: *mocking* “‘Um, hello!’”

Me: “That’s your dog?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, hello. I’m [My Name].” *extends my hand*

Man: *smacks my hand away* “I ought to call the cops on you. Vicious dogs and no fence!”

Me: “They barked. It’s what dogs do.”

Man: “They attacked my dog! He just wanted to play!”

Me: “And where were you?”

Man: “I got better things to do than watch my dog take a s*** and walk around.”

Me: “Sir, you’re aware there’s a hefty fine for not having your dog on a leash when it’s not on your property?”

Man: “He wanted to play with your dogs! What’s the big deal?”

Me: “My dogs were on my property and chased your unrestrained, stranger-dog away. And you were nowhere in sight. That’s the big deal.”

Man: “So?”

Me: “If you want your dog to play with mine, I have no problem with that. But I don’t know you and I don’t know your dog, so I’m certainly not going to let my dogs interact with him.”

Man: “I know a f****** pit-bull when I see one! They’ll get a bullet between their eyes for this!”

Me: *seeing red* “Leave.”

Man: *steps closer* “Yeah?”

(As if on cue, my dopey dogs finally got up from their naps to see who was at the door, saw the other dog, and barked at it again. The louder one pushed her way past me and got face-to-face with the lab mix. The man grabbed his dog by the collar and marched off. I decided it was time to put up a chain-link fence after all. I have seen him walking his dog past my fence a few times. I always smile and wave but he never acknowledges me. Such neighborly behavior! By the way, my two “pit-bulls” are English Mastiffs.)

The Windy City Isn’t As Windy As It Used To Be

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 10, 2019

(I live in the state of Wisconsin and I have Internet friends all over, including one in North Carolina. The following is a conversation I once had with her.)

Friend: “Come give me a hug!”

Me: “Sure! I’ll be there in however long it takes me to get from Wisconsin to North Carolina.”

Friend: “Wisconsin?”

Me: “The state? Wisconsin?”

Friend: “Wisconsin is a state?”

(We get other Internet friends involved, most of them yelling at her that yes, Wisconsin is a state. I start trying to describe where it’s located to maybe get her to realize.)

Me: “Have you ever heard of the city Chicago?”

Friend: “Chicago? Yeah, isn’t it over by Idaho?”

Me: *deep sigh*

In-Laws Keep Finding New Ways To Piss People Off

, , , | | Related | June 10, 2019

(After years of witnessing my late mother-in-law’s questionable hygiene habits, my husband’s elder brother has recently moved in with us after her passing. It appears he has inherited her habits. I recently found myself uttering this memorable little gem.)

Me: “Who the f*** wiped up cat piss with one of my hand-crocheted dishcloths and put it back in the kitchen sink?”

(I had to throw out two handmade dishcloths because Mr. “Nobody” dumped the pissy one onto a second one.)

Unfiltered Story #154491

, , , | | Unfiltered | June 10, 2019

One time, before I knew her, a girlfriend, who was living in a house with 4 or 5 others, came home to find some screws on the porch in front of the door. She also had a dog that liked to play a game with mailman. He would bark, race up the hallway, then sit down and slide up to the door.

The best they could figure was that a burglar was very quietly trying to enter, but was scared off when he was made the subject of the mailman game by her Rottweiler.

Increasing Rungs Of Anger

, , , , | | Related | June 8, 2019

(I’m at the takeaway when my wife calls.)

Wife: *clearly distressed* “Home, now.”

Me: “But honey…”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

(I return home as soon as possible without breaking too many speed limits or causing accidents. The house is not on fire. Everything looks normal. I enter cautiously and find my wife on the sofa, still in distress, and my two-year-old playing on the rug with the dog without a care in the world. I have to add that earlier I made some minor repairs to the roof and left the ladder out.)

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *carefully, still not finding an urgency* “Sure, honey, after dinner.”

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *slightly irritated* “Yes, but after dinner…”

Wife: “Now!”

Me: “But dinner will get cold…”

(As she threw me a murderous look, I went outside and took away the ladder. When I reentered, she was calmed down enough to explain what happened. She was in the kitchen when she heard what she thought was the cat on the roof but it sounded a bit heavy, so she decided to check. Somehow, our toddler, who has the run of the house and the garden — which is normally childproof — made it up the ladder and up the roof. I admit I needed a bit of a sit-down after that, as well. And in the three years since, I’ve never forgotten to take the ladder back down again when I was done working. Our daughter is still the adventurous and exploring type.)

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