Nightmares Eat Pillows

, , , , | Related | July 30, 2020

My four-year-old daughter turns to me with a question.

Daughter: “Papa, what do butterflies eat?”

Me: “Nectar.”

Daughter: “How about grasshoppers?”

Me: “Plants.”

Daughter: “How about…” *pause* “…nightmares?”

Me: “…”

That escalated quickly.

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Will A Goose Work If I Can’t Find A Duck?

, , , , , , | Related | July 30, 2020

My brother and I have a very good joking relationship where we make fun of each other in both English and occasionally our second language, Russian.

This occurs when I call him to ask him for some help with my garden.

Me: “Hey, Baranovich—” *Affectionate name for a sheep* “—I sent you a photo of my lemon tree looking a bit s***. Can you help?”

Brother: “Yeah, hang on.” *Looks at the photo* “Look, Durak—” *Idiot* “—go to [Store] and get the white oil with chili and lemon.”

Me: “Okay, so I just spray that on?”

Brother: “So, first you sacrifice a duck, then face west, hold it up, and yell, ‘Ayayayaya!’, and then throw it at your neighbour, and the oil will work.”

Me: “So, do I wear the bucket on my left foot or my right foot?”

Brother: “Nah, on your head.”

Me: “Okay, thanks, little bro. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

We’re both in our thirties and I don’t think we’ll ever change.

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Dirty Dan Never Fails!

, , , , , , | Working | July 29, 2020

I have applied to a work-from-home customer service position and they email me to schedule an interview. I schedule and promptly forget about it. I have also been receiving numerous scammer calls a day and am getting fed up. So, after quite a bit of reading on Not Always Right, I decide to use one of the bits I find there to answer the next scammer calls I receive.

The first time it happens, the scammer promptly hangs up and I happily go about my day. Then, the next number that I don’t recognize calls, and I happily answer.

Me: “Dirty Dan’s House of Hookers! You have the dough and we have the blow!”

Interviewer: “Um… Oh… Um… I need to speak to [My Name]?”

Me: “Sorry, who am I speaking with?”

Interviewer: “This is [Interviewer] from [Company], calling for a phone interview?”

Me: *Stunned* “Oh, my God, I’m so, so, so sorry. I’ve been getting so many scammer calls that I’ve been trying to make them hang up.”

Interviewer: *Laughing* “No worries! If you want to proceed with the interview, we can. Just please repeat that line to me at the end of the interview. I could really use something for those scammer calls, too!”

I aced the interview and was offered a job a week later. So glad I didn’t scare her off!

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Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2020

I thoroughly enjoy a cartoon my husband doesn’t, and I’ve gotten him to watch a few episodes with me. I’ve just told him about a piece of fan-made merch I’ve ordered and show him the item listing. The featured character is one he’s seen in the episodes we’ve watched.

Husband: *Reading aloud* “’I’ve had a real challenge of a day.’ I can see that, with the crab claws.”

Me: “The what?”

Husband: “Crab claws, ‘cause she’s a crab?”

Me: “I’m gonna repeat her name, okay?”

Husband: “Okay.”

Me: “Scorpia.”

Husband: *Moment of thought* “Lobster?”

Me: *Putting more emphasis on her name* “Scorpia. What do you think she is?”

My husband stares at me blankly, clearly not understanding just what my point is.

Me: “Scorpia?! SCORPION?!”

Husband: *After another moment of thought* “Wow, I’m a f****** idiot.”

I have no idea what the heck kind of crab he thought a lady named Scorpia was. I’m not letting him live this down any time soon, playfully, of course.

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The Cats Demand You Pay Tribute To Apollo

, , , , , , , | Related | July 29, 2020

We’re the family from this story and this story — and no, that second title wasn’t our idea.

It’s been several years since then, and we have only one cat left, our orange tabby Apollo. He is now a venerable Old Man Cat who rules the house and has gotten increasingly vocal and demanding in his old age.

It’s Easter 2020, and we’re preparing dinner for ourselves. Apollo has been underfoot the entire time.

Apollo gives my husband a demanding meow.

Husband: “No! You have been fed. Stop it!”

Apollo gives my husband an even more demanding meow.

Husband: “If you are good, you will get tribute in the form of ham. If you keep yapping your jaw, you aren’t going to get anything.”

Apollo gives my husband a stern look and the most demanding meow ever uttered by a feline.

Husband: “No! You are losing ham by the minute. B**** and moan, you get nothing. Stop it!” 

Of course, we gave in and fed Apollo all the ham he wanted. This was one of our last back-and-forth conversations with Apollo, as his kidney issues worsened shortly afterward and he became increasingly sick. We had to help Apollo cross the Rainbow Bridge two months later. Our hearts ache and we both miss him terribly but we are so glad he will live on in stories.

The Cats Demand You Spill The Beans
The Cats Demand You Pork The Butt

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