The Guessing Dead

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”

When Superstition Is A Superpower

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My grandma has come for a visit all the way from Romania. She’s a quirky type and pretty superstitious.The results can be either awkward or funny. Example #1: We’re having dinner and my brother bites his tongue.)

Grandma: *translated* “Someone recently told a lie.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “What did she say?”

Me: “Biting your tongue during a meal means you told a lie recently and you’ll have bad luck until you tell the truth.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: *blushing* “I was the one that dug up the flowers, not [Dog].”

(Example #2:)

Mom: “My eye keeps twitching.”

Grandma: *with her back turned, cooking* “Left or right?”

Mom: “Left. Why?”

Grandma: “Something’s going to disappoint you.”

(As if on cue, my twin brother and I come back from school.)

Twin: “Hey, Mom, you look wonderful today.”

Mom: “What did you do?”

Twin: “I failed my English test.”

(Example #3:)

Grandma: *translated* “Don’t stay in the corner of the table, [My Name] or you’ll never get married.”

Inner Me: “I wasn’t interested in getting married, anyway.”

Outer Me: “Sure, Grandma. I’ll move right away.”

Leg-o

, , , , | Related | July 11, 2018

(My little brother is searching for a Lego piece that he has misplaced.)

Brother: “I can’t find it anywhere!” *finds it* “Oh, it’s in my leg!” *pulls it out of the crook of his knee*

Me: “I don’t know you. I’m just talking to you because you’re here.” *leaves room*

The Gift That Never Starts Giving

, , , , , | Romantic | July 11, 2018

My ex-boyfriend had a habit of not buying me birthday gifts. Usually his excuse was something like, “I couldn’t figure out anything,” or, “I’ll get you something later.” The latter also ended up with, “Sorry, couldn’t figure out anything for you.” I didn’t mind too much, because I didn’t want to be materialistic, and I had some self-esteem issues, too, at the time, which made me think I didn’t even deserve any gifts.

One year, my birthday was approaching and my ex-boyfriend’s mother asked me what her son had given me as birthday gifts in the previous years. When I told her, “Nothing,” she was quite astounded, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

However, my ex actually got me something that year: a pretty piece of jewelry. I was very happy that he had made some effort and got me something; he had thought of me. I figured that his mother had had a talk with him about the matter.

A couple of months later, I was cleaning our apartment and I found the receipt of my birthday gift. I was about to throw it away, when all of a sudden I realized something. I remembered the date on the receipt. We were at our friends’ place out of town the whole day. There was no way he was in jewelry store at the time.”

Then it hit me. I went to my ex-boyfriend and asked, “Did… Did your mother buy this gift?”

“Haha, yeah!”

It turned out his mother had gone alone to the jewelry store and picked out something for me. My ex hadn’t asked her to, and she hadn’t consulted my ex. Then, she gave the present to my ex and told him to give it to me as a birthday present. She did not ask money for the jewelry, and my ex never paid anything for it. And he had happily accepted. Again, he hadn’t had to expend any effort for my birthday.

Of course my ex’s mother meant well, and I appreciated that. However, my ex’s actions — or non-actions — made me so sad and disappointed. I even started to cry after the revelation, and he couldn’t understand why. “It’s still a gift, right?” To this day, I wonder if I was in the wrong to be disappointed.

It Will Go Pasta It’s Use-By Date

, , , , , | Friendly | July 11, 2018

(It’s my day off, and I’ve made popcorn as an afternoon snack. I don’t eat all of it, and I don’t want to throw half the bag away, so I put it in the largest container I can find: a see-through plastic one. My roommate comes home.)

Roommate: “I thought that was pasta! I was going to ask if it needed to go in the fridge!”

Me: “Haha. No, just popcorn! I didn’t want to throw it out if I might eat the rest in another day or two.”

(The next day.)

Roommate: “Your pasta-popcorn freaked me out again!”

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