The Name That Launched A Thousand Rebuttals

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 4, 2018

(I have just had my first child and am visiting my parent’s place. My brother’s friend and his wife are also visiting.)

Friend: “Hi, [My Name], I heard you had a baby.”

(I show my daughter to him.)

Friend: “Ooh, she’s tiny. What did you call her?”

Me: “Her name is Cassandra.”

Friend: “What sort of name is that? I hate these modern made-up names. Just because you can make up a name, it doesn’t mean you should be able to use it. You should just give her a traditional name, a name that’s been around for years.”

Me: “Three thousand years isn’t long enough for you?”

Friend: “Yeah, sure, three thousand years. How come I’ve never heard of it?”

Me: “Ever heard of the Trojan wars? Helen of Troy?”

Friend: “Of course I have, but what’s that got to do with what you named your daughter?”

Me: “Cassandra was Paris’s sister; it’s a Greek name.”

Friend: “But Paris is in France; why would it have a sister, and why would you choose a [racial slur] name?”

(I am speechless. Just then his wife comes up to us.)

Wife: “Oh, for God’s sake, [Friend], will you stop being a f****** s***head?! Cassandra is a lovely name. Sorry about that [My Name]; I’ll take my idiot of a husband home.”

Friend: “But it’s not a real name.”

Wife: *dragging him out the door and screaming at him* “WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP?!”

Every Thanksgiving Is The Same Old Cycle

, , , , , | Related | December 4, 2018

(It’s the night before Thanksgiving, and my sister and I are at our parents’ house. My sister is helping Mom cook while I try to help Dad set up the meat smoker he’s planning to use to cook the turkey the next day. We get it set up and the app connected on his phone, and we think that’s the end of it. Dad goes to help set up the local Thanksgiving 5K and my mom comes home from a little window-shopping and decides to look at the smoker’s manual.)

Mom: “I’m guessing Dad didn’t do a seasoning cycle?”

Me: “Um, no? What is it?”

(We proceed to read the manual and look it up online to find out how long this seasoning cycle takes. I find out it takes about two hours. Mom and I begin doing the math.)

Mom: “There’s also a preheat cycle that takes 45 minutes.”

Me: “Oh, dear.”

(More math. If we’re going to eat at noon, all of this plus the turkey’s cooking time means we’ll have to start the smoker about nine hours before we’re planning to eat. That’s like three am, unless we somehow manage to do the two-hour seasoning cycle tonight before bed, and it’s currently after eight pm. Mom and I exchange a look.)

Mom: “I guess we’re not smoking the turkey tomorrow.”

(She goes to find her roaster oven, and we determine how long the turkey will take in the roaster, with a little more Googling since she can’t find the manual. Apparently, the oven is not an option. When Dad gets home, he heads downstairs to put his things away before he goes to bed. I hear Mom explaining the situation, and then Dad comes back upstairs.)

Dad: “So, we won’t be smoking the turkey tomorrow. I guess I didn’t read all the directions.”

Me: *pause, then matter-of-fact* “Nope!”

Dad: “Oh, hush.”

(This is why you read all the instructions more than a day before you need the device!)

They Are Not In Concert With Your Dinner Plans

, , , , | Related | December 4, 2018

(My family is eating Thanksgiving Dinner. We’ve said grace and have been eating for about five minutes, little clusters of us all engaged in different conversations over the meal, when my aunt speaks up.)

Aunt: “All right, everyone!”

(We quiet down, expecting her to have some kind of announcement.)

Aunt: “Your first assigned topic is to discuss your first concert. [My Father], you go first!”

(We all stare at her blankly for a moment.)

Aunt: *more forcefully but with overzealous cheer* “[My Father], what was the first concert you attended?”

(My dad eyed her confusedly, before going back to discussing a recent golf game with my uncle while my aunt scanned the group with an expectant smile on her face. None of us ended up participating in our “assigned topic discussion.”)

Not Even Remotely Listening

, , , , , , | Related | December 3, 2018

(I recently moved five hours away from home to start a new job after graduating university. My mom is planning on visiting me in a couple of weeks and has excitedly made a list of city attractions she wants to see with me while she is here. We are talking to each other on the phone.)

Mom: “There are so many things I want us to see and do when I visit! I’ve found a few brochures with different activities and have started making a list of everything we can do. I’m going to go get the list; I’ll be right back!”

(She sets the phone down for a moment while going to get her list and returns a minute later. She starts talking again, but mumbling and sounding far away. Note that she is home alone, so I know that she is not talking to anyone else.)

Me: “Sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you properly; I think something’s wrong with the connection.”

(She just continues talking as if she hasn’t heard me. Her talking is still distant and I can’t make out what she is saying at all. This continues in the same fashion for about three minutes, with me trying to tell her that I can’t hear what she is saying and her continuing to mumble distantly non-stop. I eventually give up, hang up the phone, and try to call back. I get a busy signal, which shows she likely hasn’t hung up the phone from our conversation yet. I call back several times in the next few minutes, only to hear the busy signal each time. Eventually I just give up and wait for her to call me. Five minutes later, the phone rings.)

Mom: *laughing* “You are never going to let me live down what I just did.”

Me: “What happened? I couldn’t hear anything you were saying.”

Mom: “When I got back with my list I sat down, picked up the phone, and started talking again. Eventually when you weren’t replying, I looked down to see the phone on the coffee table still. I had been talking into the TV remote, instead!”

(She had managed to talk into the TV remote instead of the phone for about eight minutes before figuring out her mistake. I’m still not sure how she managed to talk for that long before realizing she couldn’t hear me talking to her at all! She did come visit a couple of weeks later, and we had a great time and got to do most of the stuff from her brochures.)

 

Unfiltered Story #129973

, | Unfiltered | December 3, 2018

(When I am very little, I live for a time with my grandparents. We have a neighbor in the building, my grandparents’ age, who I learn has recently become a widower. )

Me: “Grandma, what happened to Mr. [Neighbor]’s wife?”

Grandma: “Well, hmm, you see, [My Name], it was discovered she had a tumor; it was in her arm/hand. And the doctors told her it had to be amputated or she’d probably die. But she just really didn’t want to have her arm amputated and refused to do it. So unfortunately she ended up becoming very sick and passing away from it.”

Me: “Oh”

(For decades afterwards, I kept on believing in the back of my mind that this is a type of disease that commonly happens. I’ve only recently remembered this conversation again, and now that I think on it, it doesn’t seem all that likely that grandma was really telling the full truth to little four-or-five-year-old me. I’ve never in my life heard of this kind of tumor – one that’s specifically in one hand/arm, besides in comic books. Methinks grandma may have been censoring things a bit about what the neighbor’s wife really died of.)

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