A Touching Story

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2017

(I am trying to teach my five-year-old daughter about danger. Not the details, but just what to do if this happens, what to do if that happens, etc. I tell her that if someone touches her when or where she doesn’t want to be touched, she has to yell, “STOP! I don’t like it!” and tell me. She seems to understand fairly well, and two days later my mum comes to visit. I go into the kitchen to make us tea and suddenly I hear, “STOP! I don’t like it!” and my daughter comes running in.)

Me: “What happened, baby?”

Daughter: “Granny hugged me ‘hello’ when I came downstairs, and I didn’t want her to.”

(Mortified, I run in to my mum, who is in stitches on the sofa.)

Mum: “Well, [My Name], I can’t fault your skills at teaching her safety. But maybe next time I’ll ask before I hug her!”

When A Ferret Becomes A Weasel

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are watching the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series. It’s my boyfriend’s first time watching it. In this movie, a teacher transforms a student into a ferret, a fun and memorable scene, concluded with another teacher running up and asking, “Is… Is that a student?” A short while later, there’s a scene depicting a big school dance, where the teacher who transformed the student sits in a corner with something on his lap.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. Pause. What’s that in his lap?”

Me: “That’s… Oh, haha, it’s a ferret!”

Boyfriend: “Is… Is that a student?”

Me: *rolling with laughter*

Boyfriend: “…on his groin?!”

Getting A Dress Down From Sis

, , , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2017

(I grew up gay, and since I was little I have loved to dress in women’s clothing rather than men’s. My parents don’t like it, but let me do it. I soon meet the man I would marry and we hit it off. When my tribe allows same-sex marriage, we naturally decide to get married. My twin sister decides to give him The Talk while I’m with my mother, putting on my dress and makeup. One thing to note about my twin sister is she is fiercely protective of me, even going so far as to beat up childhood bullies.)

Twin Sister: “Hey, [Husband].”

Husband: “Oh, hi there, [Twin Sister]. Why are you in here?”

Twin Sister: “Just wanted to let you know something. If you ever make [My Name] feel like s*** for who he is, I’ll know, and I’ll end you. Capisce?”

Husband: “Yeah, capisce…”

(I only want to share that because of something that happened later on. We were in an argument, and my husband decided to attack me where it hurt: my cross-dressing. I left our home crying and decided to call my twin sister to spend the night at her home. She accepted me in and soon left for two hours, coming back with some food for us to eat. The next morning arrived and the doorbell rang. I answered to find [Husband] looking as if he had been put through the wringer. I was confused until he flinched when my sister leaned on the doorway behind me. It all made sense after that. I soon forgave him and so did [Twin Sister]. We never got into an argument that bad again, and he has never insulted my cross-dressing again.)

Take (Medi)Care To Stay Alive

, , , | Healthy | November 15, 2017

(I am with my grandmother, who gets tons of sales calls, which everyone in the house finds obnoxious. One day, I answer the phone for her.)

Salesperson: “Hello, this is Medicare. Can I speak to [Grandmother]?”

Me: “She’s dead.”

Salesperson: “Okay, I’ll make a note of that on her file. Goodbye.”

(He hangs up. My grandmother is staring at me in shock.)

Grandma: “DID YOU JUST TELL MEDICARE THAT I DIED?! I’LL LOSE MY INSURANCE!”

(Naturally, I freak out. I’m near hysterical as I call the company and tell them what I had done.)

Medicare Person: “Did someone call the house? Because Medicare only calls if you have made an appointment in advance. We still have her alive on here.”

(So luckily they were scammers. However, I will never do that again. Ever.)

Zombie Weddings: It’s The Next Big Thing

, , , , , | Romantic | November 15, 2017

(My hubby and I are watching a family on on [Video Website]. They’re vlogging at their sister’s wedding. The vlogger is dancing with his sister during the father-daughter dance.)

Husband: “Why is he doing that?”

Me: “He walked her down the aisle.”

Husband: “Oh. One of those types of fathers?”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “The type of father that doesn’t come to their daughter’s wedding.”

Me: “I think the father is dead.”

Husband: “Oh, okay! That’s a good excuse.”

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