Not The Uniform Response For Santa

, , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2017

(I am about seven years old, and it is Christmas Eve. My parents convince me to go to bed hours before, but out of excitement I’ve not gone to sleep yet. I hear my dad head into the attic.)

Me: “Daddy?”

Dad: *clearly surprised to hear me calling so late* “You should be asleep!”

Me: “I know, but, Daddy?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Are you getting your Santa uniform?”

(I still believed in Santa… because I was convinced my dad was Santa! A few years later, when my best friend told me the truth, I realised I hadn’t been too far off the mark!)

Adding Some Extra Spice To The Meal

, , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(In order to use our pepper mill, you need to pull the outer part down.)

Friend: *fiddling with the mill, not getting it to open*

Me: “You need to pull it.”

Friend: *pulls at the middle*

Mom: “Just like a foreskin.”

Unfiltered Story #94358

, | Unfiltered | September 18, 2017

(I’m living in a rural and overwhelmingly conservative area. But the times they are a-changing and we recently had our first gay wedding in town. To spare us some nerves my family decides to withhold this information from my 83 year old grandma. Apparently this didn’t work out as planned.)
Grandma: *alluding* “I’ve talked to [friend]. Did you know [neighbor] married?”
Dad: “Ummm… No. Why do you ask?”
Grandma: “Oh, don’t give me that spiel!”
Mother: “Well, yes. But you have to understand that that’s now legal and it’s perfectly okay for a man to marry another man…”
Grandma: “Oh, grow up! Who cares about that?! *furiously* He married someone from [rivaling neighbor town]! THAT’S JUST SUCH A DISGRACE!”
(Yay, progress… I guess.)

Unfiltered Story #94356

, | Unfiltered | September 18, 2017

My husband works in I.T. and as a result, is expected to fix his family’s computers. They usually expect it done yesterday. Husband is bringing home his brother’s computer, he gets reminded that he needs it back as soon as possible even though it’s only used to play games on.

Husband “Well I better get started on this, he’ll be here in the morning wondering where it is” *Takes computer into his office “Oh g*d”

Me “What’s is it? Worse than you thought?”

Husband “Come here and tell me what you think is wrong with it”

Me “What makes you think I know anything about computers?” *enters room “Oh jeeze, that stinks”

Husband “I can’t work on this, I need to let it air for a few days”

The next morning brother comes over to pick up his computer, he throws a cigarette butt on the ground before coming in as we don’t allow smoking in the house.

Brother “So what was wrong with my computer, is it ready?”

Husband “I know exactly what’s wrong with it, it smokes too much. I also need to replace (item)”

Brother “Oh sure. funny non-smoker having a go at a smoker. So when will it be done?”

Husband “It needs to breathe for a couple of days, the smell of stale smoke makes me sick”

Brother “Again with the jibes, can’t you get it done quicker”

Husband “I suppose I could put it in the shower for a while”

Brother “Okay, Okay. I’ll wait a few days then”.

Unfiltered Story #94354

, | Unfiltered | September 18, 2017

My daughter is 4 and learning to read and therefore learning to pronounce letters. My son is 2 and does everything he sees his sister doing, but on his own he’s also been learning how to name letters as he sees them. My daughter has particularly enjoyed pronouncing the letter “F”, so he of course follows suit. Today my daughter was wearing a shirt that had the letter “F” on it followed by the letter “O,” but the letters were in a more cursive/script font, so there’s a tail a bit on the “O”. My son saw it and pointed it out to all of us.

“Fuh! Fuh! Q! Fuh! Q!”

My wife blames this on the podcasts I listen to.

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