Her Hearing Is Going But Her Eyes Are Sharp As A Hawk’s

, , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(I work in a local doctor’s surgery, running a clinic fixing hearing aids. I’m at home with my family when the doorbell rings. An elderly lady is standing outside.)

Elderly Lady: “Hello, are you the hearing aid lady?”

Me: “Yes…”

Elderly Lady: *hands me a small package* “The hospital posted me a new hearing aid mould, but I don’t know how to fit it. I didn’t want to wait for the clinic.”

Me: “How did you find me?”

Elderly Lady: “I saw you going home and I recognised you. Can you put my hearing aid together?”

Me: “Uh… sure.”

(I do it on the spot; it’s a ten-second job.)

Elderly Lady: “Thank you! Bye!”

Me: *speechless*

Not Painting A Pretty Picture

, , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(I’m digging through the little-used corner cupboard in the kitchen. My mother comes in and watches for a moment, baffled.)

Mum: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A plastic cup.”

Mum: “Why not just use one of the glass ones? The cupboard’s full of them.”

Me: “I want something that’s obviously enough not a drinking glass that no one will come along when I’m not paying attention and take a swig of my paint water.”

Mum: “Ah.”

This Joke Has Gone To Pot

, , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(Our cousin has a job that causes him to move to new areas quite often. His latest contract is in an area close to my brother’s home, which is currently unoccupied, due to my brother’s health, so he moves in.)

Mother: “So, you know [Cousin] has moved into [Brother]’s home? Well, he’s growing drugs.”

Me: “What?”  

Mother: “He’s growing pot.”

Brother: “Oh, for God’s sake, he’s growing pot plants.”

Mother: “Yes, pot plants.”

Brother: “He’s growing plants in pots: herbs and vegetables.”

Mother: *with air quotes* “’Herbs.’”

(She was only joking, but in the worst possible taste; [Cousin]’s older brother died due to an overdose. A joke like this getting back to his parents would devastate them. She couldn’t understand why neither of us found it to be funny.)

The Loyalty Beasts Are Here To Help

, , , , , | Friendly | January 16, 2018

(My best friend has an interview fairly early in the morning. I set an alarm even earlier so I can send her a text to wish her best of luck beforehand. Instead, she gets this…)

My Text: “Greg wish you beasts of loyalty!”

(She did get the job.)

Grandma Certainly Doesn’t Have A Frog In Her Throat

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(I stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks each year just after school gets out, so that I can relax away from my brothers and spend time with them. On this particular day, I’m half-asleep in my grandpa’s insanely comfortable armchair while my grandma is watering her houseplants, when suddenly there is blood-curdling scream, and my grandma runs from kitchen.)

Me: “Grandma! What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself? What happened?”

Grandma: *points towards one particular potted plant, talking incoherently*

(I walked over to the plant, not sure what I was going to find, while my grandpa tried to calm her down. On the counter by the plant, I found a small toad, about the size of a fifty-cent piece. It had jumped out of the pot, scaring my grandma. My grandpa brought in a tiny minnow net to scoop it up and put it outside. After that, I was the one who had to water the houseplants.)

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