I am working with a coworker, and we both overhear a customer talking loudly on his phone as he walks in.

Customer: “Well, how many nipples are we talking about, here?”

My coworker and I both stare at each other, raising an eyebrow but otherwise trying not to let the mental imagery take over.

The customer is at the counter a few minutes later with some small circular band-aids.

Customer: “How many of these are in a box?”

Me: “Those hold twenty, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, d***, I’m going to need more. A lot more!”

He grabs five boxes, pays, and runs out. 

Coworker: *Looking at me* “What just happened?”

My manager has an app on his phone that lets him speak over the PA system.

One day, feeling sick, he headed to the restroom. Somehow, while he was in there, his phone app got activated.

The entire store got to listen in to him vomiting noisily and painfully.

A few interminable minutes later — which felt like forever — the assistant manager caught on and pulled the plug on the PA.

When the manager did finally emerge, looking pale and shaken, he was very surprised when we told him that we already knew he was planning to leave early today and put the assistant manager in charge for the remainder of his shift.

Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”

Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”

The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.

Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”

Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”

Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!” 

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

I work in a call center for a food manufacturer.

Caller: “I have one of your cans of tomatoes, and I was wondering if it was still good to eat.”

Me: “What’s the expiry date?”

Caller: “August 3rd.”

Me: “Well, today is August 2nd, so you—”

Caller: “—2006.”

Me: “…I wouldn’t advise eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “Are you sure? It’s still in its packaging.”

Me: “I would strongly advise against eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “Seems a shame for it to go to waste.”

Me: “I would seriously strongly advise against eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “I also have this other one from 2013. Do you think—”

Me: “Ma’am, where are you getting these from?!”

Caller: “Oh, I’m cleaning out my cupboards.”

Me: “I would advise throwing away every product that’s past its expiry date, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m not doing that; it would be a waste! I’ll just throw it in some pasta and feed it to my husband. He’ll eat anything.”

Me: “Ma’am, I—”

Caller: “Thanks for your help!” *Click*

I hope the husband was okay!

My store has recently announced that we, the employees, are no longer allowed to have water bottles on the floor with us. Everyone is pissed. It gets super hot in the summer, and you exert a lot of energy unloading the truck and stocking shelves, so it’s annoying to have to stop what you’re doing and walk to the break room to grab a drink if you want one. 

I have to go to a fast medical clinic for some random reason, and while I’m there, I decide to shoot my shot.

Me: “Hey, would it be okay for you to write me a doctor’s note saying I’m allowed to have water with me at my job?”

Doctor: “Wait, they seriously won’t let you have water unless you get a note?”

Me: “They just implemented this rule. They haven’t said anything about a doctor’s note, but I figure it must be a loophole.”

She happily writes me a note that says, “[My Name] must have water on them at all times,” because if a person wants to stay hydrated, that doctor sure isn’t going to complain.

I arrive at work and present my note. Later, a coworker spots me with my drink on the floor.

Coworker: “How did you get away with that?”

Me: “Doctor’s note. I just asked, and they wrote it in a way so I would have to have water on me and not have to keep it in the back.”

Suddenly, there was an influx of people coming in with doctor’s notes that said they needed water on their person at all times. It got to the point that management got rid of the rule.

It was a stupid idea to begin with, but I’m mad that so many people had to waste money to get the doctor’s notes to be able to drink water.