Saved By Play Time

, , , , | Hopeless | October 22, 2017

(I am shopping in a department store with my five-year-old daughter. It has been a long, stressful day at work, and I have been on edge since picking her up from school. I just want to get my things and get home as soon as possible. I very quickly realize that my daughter is no longer beside me, and I go into Panic-Mom Mode. I call her name and rush around the aisles, until, finally, I see her sitting down on the floor next to a similar-aged boy, talking and playing. She looks up and me and beams a smile.)

Me: “[Daughter], what did I tell you about walking away from Mommy?!”

Daughter: “Mommy, this is [Boy]. He’s five, too!”

Me: “That’s nice, [Daughter], but remember, we don’t have time to play today.”

Daughter: “Okay. Bye, [Boy]!”

Boy: *big flashing smile* “Byyyyye!”

(I take my daughter’s hand and quickly finish up my shopping list.)

Daughter: “Can we get something for [Boy]?”

Me: “No, [Daughter]. We’re just here for a few quick things, remember?”

Daughter: “I know, but he doesn’t have anyone or anything to play with.”

Me: “His mom will take him home soon, so he won’t be bored for too long.”

Daughter: “No, she won’t.”

(This makes me stop, and I realize for the first time, to my shame, that the boy was all alone.)

Me: “What do you mean?”

Daughter: “His mom told him to wait for her, but she’s been gone for aaaaaages.”

(Knowing I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t go back and check, I find the boy in the exact same space that I left him.)

Me: “Hello, [Boy].”

Boy: *big beaming smile again* “Hiiiii!”

Me: “Where’s your mommy?”

Boy: *smile drops* “I don’t know. She went to look at clothes.”

Me: “How long ago did she go to look at clothes?”

Boy: “A while.”

(Knowing he probably didn’t have a good grasp of timing, I don’t know how to gauge this, but I pursue anyway.)

Me: “Do you know what time it was?”

Boy: “Since school.”

(That is a long time, but it wouldn’t be the first time a parent has left a child alone to play in a store for over an hour. I sit with the boy for another ten minutes while he plays a rhyming game with my daughter. I flag down a passing member of staff and let them know this boy has been left alone for almost an hour and a half.)

Employee: “Actually, yes, I do remember them coming in. That was closer to two hours ago.” *suddenly looking shameful* “Let’s bring him up to the customer service desk, and I’ll make an announcement through the store PA.”

(We do just that. The boy says he was told not to go anywhere with strangers, but my daughter takes his hand and convinces him that they’re now friends, so it is okay. The employee makes an announcement to the store, letting the mother know that [Boy] is at the customer service desk, and asking her to please make her way there immediately. After ten minutes, and no appearance of the mother, the employee makes a repeat announcement. Ten minutes after this…)

Me: “What happens now?”

Employee: “I’ve called my manager. They’ll call the police or social services, I guess.”

(A few minutes later, there is a scream from the other side of the floor. There is a scramble of employees to the area. An employee comes back over to me and speaks quietly to me so that the boy doesn’t hear.)

Employee: “We found a woman collapsed in one of the changing rooms. We think it might be his mom.”

(Very quickly, paramedics are on the scene, but I am focusing on keeping the boy occupied, playing with my daughter. He’s not stupid though, and he’s realizing that something is up. Almost three hours after I first met the boy, a woman walks over to us with a concerned look on her face. The manager has told her who I am and how I’ve been looking after the boy. She introduces herself as being from social services.)

Social Services Worker: “We found his mother collapsed in the changing room. The paramedics are about to take her to hospital, and I will be going there, too, with her son.”

(She then explains to the boy what has happened, in an age-appropriate manner. The boy is very upset, and holds my hand through the whole conversation. When the social services worker tries to encourage the boy to go to the hospital, he squeezes my hand even tighter and gives me a desperate look.)

Me: *to the social services worker* “Would I be able to come with [Boy]””

(The woman looks at me, then at the boy, assesses the situation, and smiles.)

Social Services Worker: “Of course. I will need to be present at all times, of course.”

(We all drove to the hospital together, and my daughter kept the boy occupied with some simple back-seat car games. We ended up spending the evening in the hospital, and the boy’s mother made a full recovery. She had been running a fever and collapsed from an infection. Our kids are now good friends and have grown up to become teenage “besties,” all thanks to my daughter’s playful spirit, and a well-behaved boy who wouldn’t stop waiting for his mom.)

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Sympathy Is Number One

, , , , | Romantic | October 21, 2017

(Flu season is really bad this year, and despite vaccination, I catch a nasty case. I’m really bad at being sick, and my husband and I argue about how much I’m allowed to do while ill. He has banned me from doing almost anything on my own, and I’ve been getting a little stir-crazy despite the fever, chills, and aches. He comes into the room as I’m climbing back into bed.)

Husband: “Are you okay? I heard you rattling around in here.”

Me: “I just got up to use the loo and re-wet my wash cloth.”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you!”

Me: *pauses* “Repeat that?”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you! You should really stay in bed.”

Me: “I’m not sure you can pee for me, Babe.”

Husband: *joking* “I could pee in sympathy. Like that time I rubbed your back when you had food poisoning, and ended up puking right after you finished?”

Me: “Thanks for reminding me of that. I totally needed it right now.”

Husband: “Anything to make you feel better!”

Abstinence, The New Fragrance From The Makers Of Ignorance

, , , , , | Right | October 21, 2017

(My coworker who stocks pharmacy overnight overhears two young customers looking at condoms.)

Customer #1: “Hey, which condom do you recommend?”

Coworker: “The best kind of birth control is abstinence, but we don’t sell that here.”

Customer #1: “Abstinence? Yo, man, have you heard of that?

Customer #2: “No, I have no idea. How do you spell that?”

(My coworker told them how to spell it, and the customers said they would go home and search it. I pity today’s youth.)

Sick Of Not Being Sick

, , , , | Working | October 17, 2017

(After being as fit as a fiddle for more than two years, I get sick. A really bad cold knocks me out for a whole week. I can’t speak, and barely eat or drink. When I’m finally healthy and back at work the next week, I bump into my coworker.)

Coworker: “Hey, how was your vacation?”

(He wasn’t the only one who asked me that. I really need to get sick more often.)

Mama And Papa New Guinea

, , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(My friend lives alone in Canada and I live in the US. We spend all of our free time online chatting. She has recently purchased a baby poofy guinea pig as a pet, since her apartment building won’t allow cats or dogs. She has raised guinea pigs before, so she knows what to do. After a couple months, my friend sadly messages me.)

Friend: “I think my guinea pig is dying.”

Me: “Oh, no!”

Friend: “Yeah. She doesn’t move around at all anymore and hasn’t really eaten the past couple of days. I’ll message you later; I’m going for a walk.”

(My friend goes for a walk and then comes home, texting me.)

Friend: “Well, I think my guinea pig is doing better!”

Me: “Really? Awesome!”

Friend: “Yeah! She threw up a couple hairballs and now seems to have more energy.”

Friend: “Oh, God! The hairballs are breathing! It’s babies! She’s having babies! What do I do?!”

Me: “Aww! Let nature take over. She’ll know what to do.”

Friend: “I don’t know how to take care of babies!”

Me: “Relax!”

Friend: “BUT SHE WAS A BABY WHEN I GOT HER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!”

(We discovered later that guinea pigs mate at a very young age if not separated quickly; the store had not separated them quickly enough!)

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