I’ve recently started working in a call center. It’s a relatively quiet period of the day, so the majority of us are not currently on calls. One of my colleagues finishes his call, hangs up, and angrily mutters:

Colleague: “What an absolute d*****bag!”

We all laugh and commiserate.

Team Leader: “What is a d*****bag, anyway?”

There are a few shrugs, but nobody offers an answer.

Me: “It’s… a device for… ahem… intimate cleansing.”

Some people understand, but [Team Leader] is still uncertain. She asks me to explain more clearly. As mentioned, this is still quite a new job, so I’m trying to keep my descriptions professional and polite.

Me: “You use it to clean your… private areas. It’s mainly for feminine use but can be used for cleaning the… uhh… backside, as well.”

[Team Leader] still looks confused. I start to flounder. I’m not sure how much more descriptive I can be without using cruder language that I’m not really comfortable saying in front of these people.

Then, another woman on the team comes to my rescue.

Woman: “It’s for washing out your a*** and fanny!”

I have what is sometimes called an invisible disability. It varies from week to week. At its best, it is a numb pain; at worst, I can barely walk. Even so, unless I absolutely have to, I never park in the disabled spots. There are far too many people who rely on these to just live a normal life.

Once, I was in such pain that I couldn’t face the long walk across the car park and had to turn around when some idiot parked across two spaces!

A friend is driving us to the shops. I must have mentioned that I have a parking badge as she goes to park in a disabled bay.

Me: “Wait, what are you doing?”

Friend: “You said you have a pass to park here.”

Me: “Maybe, but I don’t need to use it. Park in a normal spot.”

Friend: *Whining* “But it’s so much closer.”

Me: “I can see a dozen spaces just there.”

Friend: “Well, we are parked now, so I’m not moving.”

She gets out of the car.

Me: “I can’t believe how lazy you are!”

My friend shouts at some random man.

Friend: “Don’t worry, she’s disabled!”

Me: “Don’t say that!”

Friend: “Whatever.”

We finish our shop, apart, and then walk back to the car. I walk right past.

Friend: “Where are you going?”

Me: “Walking home. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Friend: “Don’t be stupid.”

Me: “I’ve never had anyone use my disability for their own benefit, and I don’t intend to let anyone start now. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.”

When lockdown started, I was grateful for the distance between us. And I haven’t heard from her since.

Customer: “I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I’m looking at your thermometer; it says, like, thirty-three. Does it have to stay at that temp?”

Me: “My cases run really cold. You don’t have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.”

Customer: “Crap. Really?”

Me: “Um… yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.”

Customer: “I’ve just had it sitting on my kitchen table.”

Me: “For two days?!”

Customer: “I put it in a freezer bag.”

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My husband, toddler, and I are getting ready to go on a hike. I have a Shewee — a female urination device — so I don’t have to squat in the woods. I’m having a hard time finding where I put it last.

Me: “I’ve got to stop misplacing my pee thing.”

Husband: “Huh, I don’t have that problem.”

I’m an assistant manager at a dollar store. Two elderly women are shopping for toys and candy and I am ringing them out.

Elderly Lady #1: “My grandkids coming over this afternoon, this is for them.”

As I was ringing them out another elderly woman, with a cane and oxygen tank in tow comes in SCREAMING.

Elderly Lady #2: “Who parked in the handicapped spot!”

I guess the two women, who are on their way out the door, didn’t have their placard on the mirror and this set that woman off. She starts swinging her cane, screaming:

Elderly Lady #2: “I’m going to beat you two up!”

I pick up the phone and dial the dispatch number.

Me: “I’m calling the cops!”

Her husband literally dragged her back out the door and out quick before anyone answered. The two ladies I was helping were super apologetic the whole time. They had the handicapped plate but I guess she forgot to hang the placard before entering… they left so quick too, they just wanted to get their grandkids.

I’ve had to threaten to call the cops a few other times but usually that did the trick and people would leave. My husband made me leave that job for my safety!