(An older woman in her 50s needs some help picking out a new MP3 player.)

Me: “Okay, so do you have any preferences?”

Woman: “Well, do you have any that are waterproof?”

Me: “Not really…”

Woman: “I had one before, but it’s broken.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Woman: “Yeah, it was my own fault though, I think.”

Me: “How come?”

Woman: “Well, I put it in here–” *points and looks at her breasts* “–while I was at the gym. I guess I was sweating a bit too much!”

Me: “…”

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Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Half-Deaf Customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, can I get you something to drink?”

Half-Deaf Customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!”

(Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

Customer: “Lettuce, tomato, and onion; that’s all. And some mayo.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

Me: “Ma’am we’re NOT selling them.”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

Customer: “Umm… okay. Why?”

Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”

Woman: “LIAR!”

Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”

Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”

Me: “Er, thanks.”

(I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)

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