, , , , | Friendly | January 2, 2018

(This is 20 years ago. I’m at a friend’s house and I’m to answer her phone while she’s out.)

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hi, is [Friend] there?”

Me: “She’s out. Can I ask her to call you back?”

Caller: “Okay, sure. It’s ‘local’ calling.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Can I have—”


Me: “—your name, please?”

(I tell my friend, anyway.)

Friend: *laughs* “It’s my friend Loco. L-O-C-O.”

Me: *laughs* “He calls himself ‘Crazy’?”

Friend: “Well, he really likes trains.”

(I never met the guy. and then I heard they were out of touch, until recently.)

Friend: *texts picture of herself and a guy* “Met up with a really old friend today. It’s been 18 years!”

Me: “Good for you. Hey, any chance he’s Loco?”

Friend: “Yup! How’d you know?”

Me: “He’s a 40-year-old guy with a Thomas the Tank Engine shirt and a hat that says ‘Indian Railways.'”

So THAT’S What He Did After The Bible

, , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(It’s the new year, and Mum is putting away the Christmas decorations. One of the things she got for Christmas was a large Santa gnome decoration, which my brother and his girlfriend insisted be named. Note: My mum grew up, and is to date, religious.)

Mum: “[My Name], what did we name the Santa?”

Me: “I don’t know; it had like three complicated names. Why don’t you just rename it?”

Mum: “Okay, then his name will be Joseph!”

Me: “Joseph?”

Mum: “Yeah, after the Polish guy who gave my dad a bottle of alcohol every Christmas, which always irritated my mum.”

Me: “Ah, so not Joseph Joseph.”

Mum: “No, that would be weird.”

Uncle Sam Is A Hebrew Name

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2017

(I have a somewhat uncommon name of Scottish origin, but I am American. I usually hear others with the same name go by a nickname, but I do not, so the full spelling is on my nametag. As I’m running a register, this catches the attention of a young boy.)

Kid: “Grandma, that girl has a weird name.”

Older Woman: “Yes, she does.” *to me* “Are you not American?”

Me: “Actually, I am.”

Older Woman: “Then, why do you have some foreign name?”

Me: “I think my parents just liked how it sounded. Some people go by [Nickname], but I like the full version better.”

Older Woman: *grumbling* “How hard is it to give a child a decent American name?”

Me: “You know, a lot of popular names in the U.S. have foreign roots, or are directly from another language.”

Older Woman: “Yes, it’s ridiculous. People these days just can’t use a good, old-fashioned, American name.” *to her grandson* “Let’s go, Sean.”

(I barely kept a straight face; Sean is a common Irish name.)

Workplace Daddy Issues

, , , , , | Working | December 14, 2017

(I’m the supervisor at a popular Canadian coffee chain. I’m also one of the only males and slightly older than most of the rest of the staff (me being 28, them mostly being high school/college age). I’ve just exchanged some change for one of my cashiers.)

Cashier #1: “Thanks, Dad.”

Cashier #2: “Did you just call [My Name] ‘Dad’?”

Cashier #1: *laughing* “It was an accident. Besides, he’s kind of like our Work Dad.”

Cashier #2: “That’s so weird. [My Name] doesn’t want to be called Dad by a bunch of teenagers.”

Me: “Actually, I’m fine with it.” *laughs* “Maybe if I’m your dad you guys might listen to me for a change.”

Cashier #1: “See, he’s fine with it.” *turns to me* “Thanks again, Work Daddy.”

Me: “Now that on the other hand…”


, , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(I am driving home from the grocery shopping when I realize I forgot to buy salsa. I stop at a well-known 24-hour convenience store to grab some.)

Employee: “Can I help you find something today?”

Me: “Yeah, I was looking for salsa but I wasn’t able to find any.”

Employee: *blank look*

Me: “I was looking for salsa but I couldn’t find it on the shelves. What section would that be in?”

Employee: “Pasta sauce? Over this way.”

Me: “No, sorry, I saw the pasta sauce, but I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: *blank look, then brings me over to the pasta sauce*

Me: “Um, sorry, I saw this but I wasn’t looking for pasta sauce I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: “Oh, like chipzend?”

Me: “Huh?”


Me: *realizing she is saying “chips and salsa” but thinks it’s one word* “Yeah.”

Employee: “Oh, we don’t have any chipzendzaza here.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

(I grabbed some salsa at another store on my way home.)

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