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Baby Names Shouldn’t Make You Hungry

, , , , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2023

Back in college, I started a long-term relationship with a guy. At some point, the subject of someday having children came up, and we began keeping a list of names for our potential future babies. I viewed the list more as a form of lighthearted romantic entertainment than anything else. We both knew I wanted to go to graduate school after finishing undergrad, and any kids we would have were in the far distant future at least five to ten years away.

My boyfriend was of Italian ancestry, so many of the names he suggested were Italian — Silvio, Antonio, Dino, etc. The names were uncommon for our city in the western US where most people were of Anglo-Saxon, Latino, or Germanic heritage, but they were hardly outlandish.

He was also very fond of Italian cuisine, and pretty decent at cooking it.

Boyfriend: “I’ve come up with the perfect names for two kids, regardless of their genders.”

Me: “Oh? What are they?”

Boyfriend: “Aglio and Olio.” *Proudly* “They’re Italian for ‘garlic’ and ‘oil’, as in olive oil. I’m completely serious.”

We later broke up for much less entertaining reasons, but the experience led me to decide I would not name any of my future children after foodstuffs.

The Call Of The White Spaniel Is Loudest At The Dawn

, , , , , , | Related | February 10, 2023

After my parents got married, in the late seventies, they decided they wanted to get a puppy together. My mom had several dogs growing up. My dad didn’t but really wanted a dog and had read every book on dogs and taking care of them he could get his hands on. They found a reputable breeder — yes, I know, “Adopt, don’t shop,” but that wasn’t really a thing yet back then — and got everything prepared.

When the puppies were eight weeks old, my parents went to pick up the one of their choice. While my dad sorted out paperwork and payment and such, my mom played with the puppies and chatted with the breeder’s children. One of them asked her a question.

Kid: “What are you going to name him?”

Mom: “We’re naming him [Puppy]. Do you have a name for him?”

Kid: “We call him Wolfie.”

Mom: “Really? Wolfie?”

Kid: “Yep!”

Mom was a bit surprised. The puppy was a fluffy little brown and white thing with floppy ears that didn’t resemble a wolf in the slightest; he was a spaniel-type breed. She wanted to ask the kid why they called him Wolfie, but they were distracted by something, and then my dad announced it was time to go, so she never found out. She did relay the story to my dad on the way home, and he was surprised by the name, as well. But you never know why kids might name an animal something, so they put it out of their minds.

That night, after an exhausting day of exploring his new home, backyard, and neighborhood, the puppy curled up contentedly in the little nest my parents had prepared for him, complete with a hot water bottle, and went to sleep. My parents went to bed, hoping he’d sleep through the night but prepared to deal with nightly whining.

What they were very much NOT prepared for was to be awoken in the middle of the night by ear-splitting howling. They’d never heard a wolf howl, but this was pretty much how they’d imagined it sounding except higher in pitch. My parents rushed downstairs to find the puppy sitting upright in his nest and howling his lungs out at the moon, which shone through a crack in the curtains. They watched the howling puppy for a moment, too dumbfounded to respond, before my dad picked him up and gently shushed him.

Dad: “Well, I guess now we know why those kids called him Wolfie.”

They called up the breeder the next day, and he confirmed that, yes, “Wolfie” had the odd habit of sometimes howling at the moon, but it was harmless and he’d probably grow out of it as he grew older. Still, he advised closing the curtains, since he only did it when he could actually see the moon. My parents looked at each other, shrugged, and basically decided, “Well, we wanted a dog, and we can live with this.” Curtains were closed from that point on.

I’m happy to say that “Wolfie” lived a long and happy life with my family full of long walks, bike rides, hunting trips with my dad, and camping holidays in several countries, as well as all the ear-scratches and belly rubs he wanted, but he never completely grew out of his habit of howling at the moon. When he got two “brothers”, my parents were worried they’d pick up this habit as well, but they didn’t. They were even more worried when they brought home a hairless, two-legged “sister” for Wolfie — me. Though I learned to bark before I could talk and accidentally ate dog food on several occasions, I was much too sound of a sleeper to pick up howling at the moon, much to my parents’ relief.

Some Queenie-ly Advice

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | February 3, 2023

My dad is gone now, but he was an easy-going, jovial kind of guy with the gift of gab. In the 1960s, he owned a fast food restaurant that specialized in hot dogs called “Queenie’s Weenies”. At the restaurant, nobody called my dad by his real name; everybody just called him Queenie

At the time, I was fifteen years old. I would work with my dad at the restaurant on weekends. One Saturday, we were driving to work and stopped off at a supermarket to pick up some supplies.

We grabbed our purchases and got into the checkout line. I noticed something while we waited in line: our cashier was in a very, very, bad mood! She offered no smiles, no greetings, no small talk, no “have a nice day”. Her “anger aura” was palpable and kind of scary to me.

When it was our turn, I was thinking that we should just get our stuff and leave quickly before the cashier went “Death Star” on us. My dad had a different idea. When it was our turn, he started chatting her up, looking at her name tag.

Dad: “Hi, [Cashier], how are you today? Isn’t this weather great? This is my son; we work together. Do you like hot dogs? I have a restaurant. It’s called ‘Queenies Weenies’. We specialize in chili dogs. Do you like chili dogs, [Cashier]? Drop by my restaurant sometime and I will treat you to a chili dog made special, just for you, by me, Queenie.”

By the time we were done checking out, [Cashier] was smiling.

Cashier: “Thanks, umm… Queenie. I hope you and your son have a very nice day.”

Back in the car, he “dad-splained” it to me.  

Dad: “[Cashier] was obviously having a bad day. Who knows why, but it happens to everyone. A warm smile and a few kind words were all it took to brighten her day. I made her a little happier and it didn’t cost me a dime. Try it sometime.”

Explaining Stuff To Kids Is Hard… But Not For The Reasons Some Think

, , , , , , , | Related | February 2, 2023

My friend’s sibling spent a lot of time hiding who she was because she was afraid people would not accept her as a woman — mostly, how her seven-year-old nephew would handle identifying her.

I got to sit in on the conversation where [Friend] explained what was going on.

Friend: “So, from now on, you say Aunt [Sibling]. Her name isn’t Uncle [Dead Name] anymore.”

Child: “Why?”

Friend: “Because that’s her name.”

Child: “But Uncle [Dead Name] is a boy!”

Friend: “No, Aunt [Sibling] is a woman.”

Child: “Oh.” *Pauses* “Can I change my name?”

Friend: “What do you want to be called?”

Child: “Umm… Fart!”

I admit I laughed. [Child] was thoroughly pleased with himself, while [Friend] gave me a good-humored glare.

Friend: “Okay, maybe we will wait to change your name.”

Child: “You can call me Fart!”

Friend: “Okay, that’s enough. Go play.”

Child: “Bye, Daddy Fart!”

Friend: “Oh, my God, what have I done? Now he’s going to tell everyone his name is Fart and I’m going to get called into a parent-teacher meeting.”

Me: “Well, at least he won’t get confused with the other [Child] in his class anymore.”

[Child] had no problem calling his aunt by her name, though convincing him that he could not call himself “Fart” took a lot longer.

Avengers, Assemble And Spell!

, , , , , , , , , | Right | January 18, 2023

I’m a hotel receptionist, and I’m on the phone with a guest who’s booking a room.

Me: “I’m sorry, can you spell your names out for me?”

Guest: “Takayoshi. That’s Thanos, Avengers, Korg, Ant-Man, Yellowjacket, Odin, Spider-Man, Hawkeye, Iron Man. My wife is Viktoria. That’s Valkyrie, Infinity, Killmonger, Thor, Okoye, Ragnarok, Ironheart, America.”

Yes, he said that with a completely serious tone and what I imagine was a completely straight face.

Thankfully, years of training allowed me to keep a poker face and type his information into our register. Immediately after he hung up, I ran straight to the washroom and laughed for like fifteen minutes straight.

Man, it’s days like this that make life worth living.