Fixing Technical Issues Is A Real Beach

, , , | Right | February 1, 2018

(I have set up a mail account on a client’s laptop, SSL and all. Everything is working smoothly until one day the client calls me. The client is located on an island and has no easy access to local tech support.)

Client: “Can you help me? I cannot send or receive emails anymore. I think it started when Thunderbird got updated.”

(After three hours of using a super-slow remote connection session that keeps disconnecting, I end up reinstalling Thunderbird. I also delete and re-create the account. But still nothing. I am now sure the router has a problem.)

Me: “I believe there is something wrong with your router. Did you or anyone else mess with the router settings? Can you give me access to it so I can check?”

Client: “That is not my router. I am at a beach house today and I am using the beach-bar’s free Wi-Fi.”

Me: “…”

(I charged her twice the usual support fee, and I learned a valuable lesson: before you begin any remote tech support job, first ask the whereabouts of the client’s computer.)

Intuit An Inuit

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 4, 2017

(We’re in a class about software development.)

Professor: “…and a good thing about software is that, although it can be easier if you have professional software, you don’t really need it. Anyone who has a computer can write a program. I was surprised to learn that something I’d been using was developed in the North Pole.”

Student: *joking* “With the penguins?”

Professor: “Yes! And it was probably one of them who wrote it.”

Student: “…A penguin?”

Professor: “Sure. They’re not primitive, you know. They have modern houses, computers, and everything.”

Student: “The penguins?

Professor: “Wait, isn’t that what the native people in the North Pole are called?”

Student: “Eskimos.”

Hooli-gone Crazy

, , , , | Related | October 14, 2017

(I’m talking to my brother on the phone. He lives abroad and is calling from a payphone.)

Me: “Hey, remember that time with the hooligan?”

Brother: “What hooligan?”

Me: “When you called me, and there was a hooligan breaking the phone next to yours.”

Brother: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “There was a banging noise, and when I asked you about it you said a hooligan was breaking the phone next to you. Then you asked him to be quiet and he said, ‘Sorry, I didn’t notice you,’ and gave you one of the coins that had fallen from the phone, as an apology.”

(As I relate the story, I begin to realize that it makes no sense.)

Brother: “…”

Me: “You know what, I probably just dreamed that. Never mind.”

(We laughed.)

A Cents-Ible Assumption

, , , , | Right | August 12, 2017

(After touring a famous museum in Greece my friends and I decide to order something from the museum café. The woman in front of us is purchasing one water bottle.)

Employee: “That will be 50c.”

Woman: “Let me find you a quarter.”

Employee: “Ma’am, a fifty cent coin will do.”

Woman: “I don’t have any quarters.”

(She spills all of her coins onto the counter. She has a few fifty cent coins.)

Me: “Madam, this will do.”

(Points out a fifty cent coin.)

Woman: “So I need fifty of these?”

Me: “No, you pay with that.”

(The woman then picks up a one euro coin.)

Woman: “Can I buy a bottle with this.”

Employee: “You can buy two water bottles with that.”

Woman: “Oh, okay.”

(She hands him the one euro coin and he goes to the fridge to get her water.)

Woman: *to me* “A one dollar coin. Who thought of that?”

Me: “Most countries have one dollar coins.”

Woman: “Oh.”

(She took her water and left.)