Shove That Lamb Up Your Porthole

, , , | Friendly | February 14, 2020

(I have treated my mother to a cruise round the Aegean as a retirement present. The whole experience has been amazing with superb service all around. However, as we all know too well, there are some who would complain in Paradise. At lunch one day, we are sitting with one such woman. She’s complaining that her cabin doesn’t have a porthole — despite the fact that she obviously didn’t pay the extra I did for such a cabin — and that she has been denied an upgrade — despite the fact that we were greeted on board by a large sign saying that the ship was fully booked and there were no upgrades available — and on and on and on. Finally…)

Me: “Well, the only complaint I have is the pathetic excuse for a breakfast on the flight out here. I can’t wait to see what the lamb dinner’s like on the flight home.”

Woman: “How do you know you’re getting lamb?”

Mother: “He was given a choice and chose lamb.”

Woman: “Well, I wasn’t given a choice. Nobody asked me if I wanted lamb. I detest lamb. I can’t stand it and if they try to give me lamb, I shall get off!”

(Lady, at 35,000 feet, I’ll hold the door for you.)

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Not How You Ent-ice Customers

, , | Working | November 5, 2019

(Iced lattes aren’t popular here, so anytime I want one I have to describe the drink to the barista.)

Me: “Can I get a freddo cappuccino with extra milk?”

Barista #1: “Sure. Hey, just so you know, that drink is an iced latte.”

Me: “Oh, I know. It’s just that most people don’t know what that is so I have to describe it.”

(I come back to the same coffee shop, the same day, but it’s after a few hours so the shift has changed.)

Me: “An iced latte, please.”

Barista #2: “I don’t know what that is, but we don’t sell it here.”

Me: “…”

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Super Committed To The Part

, , , , , | Legal | June 16, 2019

(I am sitting at a cafe with some friends when a guy we don’t know approaches us. He’s holding a box with a slot on it.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but I’m raising a fund for two friends of mine. They had a motorcycle accident and both of them are near death. My other friends and I are trying to get enough money to pay for the surgery they need. Can you spare any?”

(We all smell a scam easily and say, “No, thank you.” After trying to change our minds for a couple of minutes, he moves on to other tables. Over the next several years, I occasionally still see him in cafes in different parts of the city, but he never speaks to me again until one day, four years after the first time, at a very different place.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but my friends had a motorcycle accident and are fighting for their lives in the hospital. Can you spare us some money for the surgery they need?”

Me: “Wow! They’re still fighting for their lives, four years later?”

Guy: *suddenly looks lost for words, begins to stammer* “Uh, I mean, it was a really bad accident. The doctors have been trying hard to keep them alive.”

(He stared at us for a few seconds and we stared back, and then he left without saying anything more. I kept seeing him here and there for a while, but that was our last interaction. I was kind of impressed that he still tried to explain his story.)

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We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Dog Bowl

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2019

(This story was relayed to me by my dad, the customer in question. We have a pair of pet goldfish, and I asked him to bring some more food for them on his way home, as we were running out.)

Dad: *approaches pet shop employee* “Excuse me. Do you have any food for dogfish?”

(Dogfish are a kind of shark.)

Employee: “For… what?”

(I think he was thinking of my stepmother’s dog.)

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I’ll Keep This Brief; I Will Not Buy Your Case

, , , | Right | December 15, 2018

(I am the owner of a bags, purses, etc. shop in the city centre. It’s on a street that has many similar shops; some of them have run out of business, though. I generally don’t get many weird demands, but then this guy comes over that wants to return an item that was not bought from my shop.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to return this briefcase.”

Me: *extra polite* “Yeah, um, unfortunately, I cannot accept it because you did not buy that from my shop.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “I cannot take items that are not bought from the shop; it doesn’t work that way. But if you have a receipt, I can check where the item was bought and point you to the correct shop.”

Customer: “Here’s the receipt.”

Me: “Wow. This was bought over a year from the shop next door. Unfortunately, it has closed.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with the briefcase?”

Me: “No idea. Give it to someone as a gift? I don’t know.”

Customer: “How much would you pay for it?”

Me: “Zero. I cannot buy; I sell.”

Customer: “But you buy from wholesalers.”

Me: “I will not buy your briefcase; please, stop asking that.”

Customer: “Okay, I will leave it on the floor and see what you’ll do about it.”

Me: “If you do that, I will kick it out of my shop and a passerby will take it, I guess.”

Customer: “You stupid people don’t know how to run a business.”

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