I’m visiting a tourist spot that has a view of the Rocky Mountains. I overhear a tourist talking to one of the workers there:

Tourist: “What’s that white stuff on top of those mountains?”

Worker: “It’s snow.”

Tourist: “Is it cold up there?”

Worker: “No, actually, due to the low pressure at that altitude, much like the boiling point of water being lowered, the melting point of snow is raised. It’s actually quite warm up there, and the snow just never melts.”

The worker sounded so authoritative, and the spiel was so well-rehearsed, that for a moment, he had me questioning basic science. It took me an embarrassingly long few seconds for my brain to go “wait a minute…”.

Tourist: “Oh, that’s so cool!”

Worker: “Yeah, that’s where all the Jackalopes live.”

Tourist: “The… what?”

Worker: “You know, the jackrabbit but with the horns like an antelope. Vicious little things. If you see one, run. If you see something that looks like a normal jackrabbit without the horns, that’s a female. That means you’ve stumbled into a male’s nest, and you’d better run for your lives.”

Tourist: “Oh… my goodness!”

This ‘worker’ went on a spiel about the evolution of Jackalopes, that the Smithsonian had a diorama from the Pleistocene with jackalopes in it, talked about conservation efforts during the 1930s as their numbers dwindled, which explains why you don’t see them much anymore…”

The tourist walked away, and a woman wearing a manager’s badge walked over to the ‘worker’ with a tired look on her face:

Manager: “Jacob, you said you’d stop doing this…”

I find a TV in an electronics store that I think is a good deal. I find one of the employees.

Me: “I’m interested in getting this TV, please.”

Employee: *Surprised.* “Oh! Okay. Let me go check the back for you.”

I nod in agreement and wander around the TV section while I wait. And wait. And wait. After twenty minutes, I walk over to another employee in another section.

Me: “Excuse me, I’ve been waiting twenty minutes for one of your guys to bring a TV out for me.”

Other Employee: “Sorry about that. Let me go back and check.”

He goes back there, and I stand there waiting again. After five more minutes, both employees came back out.

Employee: “Oh, you’re still here!”

Me: *Confused.* “Where else would I be? I was waiting for you to bring out my TV.”

Employee: “It was going to take a while to get it down from the top shelf in the back, so I figured you wouldn’t wait that long and would leave.”

Me: “Why would I do that? I want this TV. I would have come back a little later if you’d have told me it would take a while.”

Employee: “Oh… really?”

Me: “Yes! Why didn’t you just come out and tell me?”

Employee: “After five minutes, I thought you’d be angry, so I just…” *Shrugs.*

Other Employee: “…He was hiding back there. Your TV is being brought out to you by someone else and should be here in another few minutes. [Employee] here is sorry and suffers from a bad case of being an idiot. I’ll knock another $50 off the price to make up for it.”

Me: “Thanks!”

I got my TV and my discount. If only I got discounts every time I dealt with idiots, the world would be a much cheaper place!  

I am eating at a drive-in diner with a name shared by blue hedgehog. They have a walk-up counter for those not in cars. I’m sitting by my car, eating my food, when I see a boy of around twelve or thirteen approach the woman working there, who looks to be late teens or early twenties.

Employee: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Boy: “Your phone number.”

Employee: “Why, do you need a babysitter?”

I was suddenly made aware of the group the boy was with, as they screamed a series of “ooooohs!” and “burn!” from where they were standing a few feet back.

The boy slunk back to his friends, and the employee took the next customer’s order as if it were nothing.

Me: “Can I get a small latte, please?”

Cashier: “We only do medium or large.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get a medium, then.”

Cashier: “We have the sizes listed on the menu.”

Me: “Actually, you just have a lower and higher price for each drink.”

Cashier: “Yeah, one for medium, and one for large.”

Me: “If you only have two sizes, why not just call them small and large?”

Cashier: “Because customers will pay more for a small if we call it a medium.”

Manager: *Shouting from the back.* “You’re not supposed to tell them that, dip-s***!”

A big department store in town is closing down, so we went to check out the sale. There are HUGE signs everywhere about the closing, how much is off (30% off of everything), and that you cannot return the items.

We go to the counter, and I hand an item to the lady working there with a ripped-off price tag.

Me: “How much is this?”

Lady: *Looking VERY tired, sounding a tad snappy.* “It’s 30% off whatever the price says.”

I point out that the price tag was ripped and there IS no listed price.

Lady: *Calmer.* “Oh… sorry.” *She types something into her machine.* “$90 with the discount.”

Me: “Oh, that’s too expensive still, but thank you!”

We do end up buying something else, and she tiredly reminds us:

Lady: “There are no returns. This is final sale.”

My wife and I feign shock and say:

Us: “But how are we supposed to know that? Are you all closing or something?”

To not be total jerks, we say this while pointing at the literally dozens of signs all around us.

Lady: “I’m too tired, but I know you’re joking. You’re the first customers today that haven’t been morons.”

Me: “Yeah, you look like you’re having a rough day. We just didn’t want to be those kinds of customers.”

Lady: “Appreciate it. In fact, you know what?”

She grabs the $90 item that was still on the pile behind her and scans it twice with her magic laser scanner. The price drops to $63, and then to $44.10.

Lady: “Want it now?”

We took it! Nice lady. Hope she found another job.