(My new copy of a certain popular video game isn’t working, so I call it into tech support.)

Me: “Hello, is this [Game Name] support? My game won’t install on my computer. Can you help?”

Employee: “Of course sweetie, of course. First of all, you have the PC version, right? What kind of computer do you have?”

Me: “Ah, it’s a Windows 7 machine, on an Intel Core i7—”

Employee: “Oh, sorry darling, but we don’t support those Intel things, just PCs! I hope you can take it back!”

(I am a customer shopping with my mother. Note that I am 5′ 10″ and female. The only employee to be seen is 4′ 6″ish. I’m standing around minding my own business, when an elderly customer taps my arm.)

Me: “Yes?”

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but you look to be very tall.”

Me: “Yes, thank you?”

Elderly Customer: “Could you help me get something off a shelf?”

Me: “Sure.”

(The employee has overheard this conversation, but says nothing, opting to glare at me. The elderly lady guides me to an aisle and asks me if I can reach some cat litter that is at the far end of a deep shelf, at my chest level. I manage to barely reach it by standing on my tip-toes.)

Elderly Customer: “Thank you, miss. That was very helpful!”

Me: “You are very welcome, ma’am.”

(I go back to where my mom is shopping, to see the employee standing with their arms crossed.)

Employee: *rudely* “Oh, and I suppose you think you’re so great because you’re tall?!”

(The employee has spoken it loudly enough that the elderly customer can hear her in the next aisle, so she calls out in my defense.)

Elderly Customer: “I asked for your help, but all you did was fume about how much trouble it would be to get a step ladder!”

Employee: *shuts up*

(I have a birthday voucher that gives me 10% off my purchase. I am buying two items.)

Employee: “Okay, your total comes to [total].”

Me: “That’s with the 10% off?”

Employee: “Yes, I gave you 5% of each item.”

Me: “That’s not the same thing.”

Employee: “Yes, it is. You get 10% off your whole purchase.”

Me: “Right, but you gave me 5% off.”

Employee: “I think we’re both saying the same thing…”

(My friend and I had to prove to her, using a calculator, that 10% off both items and 5% off each were not the same!)

(I’m picking up a pizza.)

Me: “Man, that smells good! Do you think my family will mind if I eat a piece before I get home?”

Employee: “How will they know?”

(Some years ago, I wanted to go on holiday, but I didn’t have a passport. As it happened, I also had a second problem: when I had moved house a couple of times, I somehow lost my birth certificate. This was awkward, since it was the main means of verifying who I was. I managed to get hold of a copy of my birth certificate from the registrar and made my way to my local post office to apply for a passport.)

Employee: “Hello, can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I want to apply for a passport. I’ve filled out the forms, got the photographs and my birth certificate.

(The employee takes the forms and photos from me and looks them over.)

Employee: “I’m sorry, but we can’t process this.”

Me: “Eh? Why?”

Employee: “This isn’t a real birth certificate.”

(I explain the situation.)

Employee: “But it’s not a REAL birth certificate.”

Me: “No, it’s an OFFICIAL copy from the registrar.”

Employee: “But it’s not a REAL certificate. I can’t process the application if I don’t have the correct forms.”

Me: “You DO have the correct forms. I lost my original birth certificate and had to apply, paying a fee and answering security questions, for an official copy.”

Employee: *thinking hard* “So this has come from the registrar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Employee: “It’s just that there should be an embossed logo at the bottom of it.”

Me: “The red logo? It’s still there.”

Employee: “Yes, but it should be embossed… raised.”

Me: “Well, it wouldn’t be because it’s a photocopy.”

Employee: “Aha! So it’s not the original!”

Me: “It. Is. An. OFFICIAL. Photocopy. From the registrar.”

Employee: “Really?”

Me: “Yes. Really.”

Employee: “You’re sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Employee: *doubtfully* “Well… if you’re really sure, I will process the application. There may be a risk, however, of the claim being denied.”

Me: “Please. Process it. I’m willing to take the chance. I hereby absolve you of any possible future negative outcomes. If it comes back with a great big red skull-and-crossbones of it, I will personally give you fifty pounds. Just PLEASE process the claim.”

Employee: “Well, if you’re sure, then…”

Me: “I am.”

(The employee then stamped the form and filed it in a tray and shouted ‘Next!’ without so much as another glance at me. As I moved away from the window, an elderly lady who had been waiting very patiently for her pension pressed a five-pound note into my hand.)

Elderly Lady: “Get yourself a drink or two. I think you need it!”

(I got my passport.)