The Future Is A Little Foggy

, , , | Right | October 28, 2019

(A very thick fog is covering the city. During this time, motor vehicle access to the airport platform area is restricted.)

Customer: “I need to go do some maintenance work on the platform.”

Me: “Okay. Unfortunately, access is restricted right now. We cannot let you in there until the fog clears.”

Customer: “All right. Can you tell me when that will happen?”

Me: “Let me just check from my crystal ball here…”

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Go With The Music Like Everyone Else

, , | Right | October 15, 2019

(In a popular local bar I like to visit, there is a separate public karaoke room. The karaoke machine is used through a touch screen on the wall next to the stage, which is just a small elevation on the floor. It’s a self-service machine: you select a song, enter your nickname, and press “okay.” The four upcoming nicknames are then shown on the big screens where the karaoke videos play. Because there is no karaoke jockey, people sometimes tamper with the machine to jump the queue. A woman I’ve seen doing this many times before walks into the karaoke room. Despite her audacity, I’ve always acted friendly towards her and this has frustrated me. I’m male and a customer.)

Woman: *noticing me* “Hey, long time no see.”

(She walks up beside me and wraps her other hand around me for a hug.)

Me: *acting friendly* “Hello again.”

(The woman goes to the karaoke screen and enters a spot for herself in the queue. Then, she leaves the room. During the performance, just before my turn, she comes back in and walks straight to the screen. She’s touching the queue part of the screen, so I walk up to her.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Woman: *mumbles something, trying to jump the song to the next one on the screen*

Me: “Don’t touch that. The guy is still singing.”

Woman: “I just want to sing.”

Me: “Which spot is yours?”

Woman: *pointing a spot in the queue* “That one. I just want to sing.”

(There is still some four spots in the queue before hers, including mine. I take notice of her nickname.)

Me: “You will get to sing when it’s your turn.”

Woman: “But I don’t want to wait. I want to sing now.”

Me: “You will wait your turn like everyone else.”

Woman: “I’ll be quick about it. I just sing and then I leave.”

(The previous song is ending. The woman selects her song from the queue and is about to make that to play next. I’ve had enough.)

Me: “It is my turn next. If you try to jump the queue, I will have you removed from this bar.”

(The woman is dumbfounded and just looks at me. The previous song has ended, so I hop to the center stage and grab a mic. She’s about to say something.)

Me: “I’m serious. Remember what I said. I will have you removed.”

(I start my performance. The woman tries to come up with something to say, but gives up and walks out the room, beaten. Later, the woman comes back for her spot. She’s conversing with other people and doesn’t notice that it is her turn.)

Me: “Hey, it’s your turn. Weren’t you [Nickname]?”

(I had to call her twice before she noticed. She got her spot, but I don’t think she’ll come to hug me anymore.)

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Never Been So Un-App-y To See Cash

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2019

(I work for the national railway company. A drunk customer approaches me, asking how she can get a ticket. They have not been sold on the train since June 2017.)

Me: “Tickets can be bought from the ticket machines over there, the kiosk over there, or with a mobile application.”

Customer: *demanding* “Help me with the application!”

Me: “Okay… Are you sure you don’t want to use the kiosk? It’s probably the easiest way and you can check out the application later with more time.”

(She is considerably drunk and her train is going to leave quite soon.)

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, just show me how it works.”

Me: *helps the customer download, install, and set up the application for the next five minutes* “Now all you need to do is to choose which ticket you need and your payment method.”

Customer: *chooses her ticket type and stares at her phone for half a minute before pulling out a 10€ bill* “So, where do I put this, then?”

(It took me all my mental strength to not tell her to put it where the sun doesn’t shine. After recomposing myself, I told her to just use the d*** kiosk, that her train was going to leave in a minute, and that the next one would leave in an hour. At least she sobered up a bit during the wait.)

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Unfiltered Story #168454

, | Unfiltered | September 30, 2019

[It’s a very busy day, we have a tiny kitchen, but large groups frequent us. One of my co-workers is doing overtime in the kitchen to help with the sudden rush, while our trainee is putting together a huge order for the drive-thru. We have several more sizable orders to go, and I’m taking care of those.]

Customer: What is this, they should at least be taking my order, so that they can get started on it!
Me: I’ll be right with you ma’am, just give me a minute to finish this order!
Customer *getting more irate*: This is just taking too long!
Me *after a couple of minutes*: Alright, what would you like to get today?
Customer: I want this [double burger meal] to go!

[After I’ve processed her order, she stays at the till, looking very intensely at the kitchen, blocking the next customer in line. I ask her to step a bit to the side, which she does, but not without huffing and puffing. The next customer in line is eating on the spot, so I give her soda and fries straight away.]

Customer: What is this?! You have completely overlooked me!
Me: Ma’am, did I not understand you correctly? It was my understanding that you’re taking your meal with you.
Customer: I am!
Me: Well, I can of course give you your soda and fries straight away, but the fries will be very cold, when you get home. I’d rather give you all your items at once, especially since your burger isn’t quite done yet.
Customer: *Grumbles under her breath, but falls back.*

[As soon as my co-worker starts wrapping the new batch of burgers, the customer starts prancing before the till. At this point there’s no fries left, but a new batch will be done in 15 seconds.]

Customer: What is now taking so long?! Can’t you just hurry up!
Me: Ma’am, you’ll have to have a bit of patience still. I gave the last fries to the lady after you, since she’s dining here. Fresh and piping hot fries taste better as take-away, I just want to make sure that your meal will be as scrumptious as possible, please bear with me!
Customer *after she’s gotten her order*: This took way to long, you are too slow!

[Me and my co-workers had a good laugh after that, and honestly didn’t know what she expected, since there were at least five minivans in the drive-thru lane and the place was packed with large family groups when she arrived!]

Keeping Them Safe From Themselves

, , , , , , | Legal | September 26, 2019

I work as a train conductor, doing ticket rounds on a late-evening train. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two teenagers, maybe 15 or 16, switch seats. That’s okay, and I think no more of that. A few minutes later, I come to their compartment in order to check their tickets; there are six teenagers in total, and every single one of them is pretending to be asleep. People try this every now and then, but this is the first time they try it specifically after making eye contact. I just kind of chuckle and go “nice try,” loud enough for the rest of the compartment to hear. They feign ignorance and say they were trying to catch a bit of sleep. I also notice they’re carrying alcohol with them. They’re off to a bad start. I ask for the tickets. This is when I hear a myriad of excuses:

  • [Friend]’s mom has the tickets.
  • Nobody has a working phone on them.
  • When we get the battery charged, [Friend]’s mom doesn’t care and hangs up.
  • They actually went the wrong way first.

They finally drop the act and start pleading for a free ride, and even try to bribe me with 10€, to which I reply, “Next time you try to bribe someone, here’s a little heads up. Don’t do it in front of a dozen witnesses.” The other passengers are having a blast so far. As a last straw, the teens bring up the fact that they are, in fact, underage and I am technically in charge of keeping them safe. Here’s the thing: I have to be really careful now, because the law being what it is, I could be held accountable if I drop them off somewhere without supervision and something happens to them, as it is in the middle of the night and it’s quite cold outside.

Now, here comes the malicious compliance. I finally “relent” to letting them go as far as the next station where they can still buy tickets with that bit of cash they had, and continue to do my job. Now, of course, as I have to keep them safe, I naturally am worried about underage drinking on their part, as well. That stuff rots the brain and hinders development of these beautiful young children! So, I arrange for security and police to meet them at the same station.

Naturally, once they jump off the train — and one of them even says, “Man, we really managed to bulls*** that one!” — I direct the impressive amount of nothing-better-to-do-right-now security and police officers to the teenagers. I’ve never seen anyone get as pure of an “Oh, s***!” impression as those kids right then. Their drinks get confiscated and destroyed, and each of them gets shipped home to have a meeting with their guardians, police, and possibly even CPS if this is a recurring problem. Fines could be slapped, as well.

Moral(s) of the story: Be honest. And under no circumstance tell me to keep you safe, because I will keep you safe.

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