I went into the post office some years ago, needing stamps.

Me: “I’d like to buy half a dozen stamps, please.”

Clerk: “We don’t sell things in dozens or half-dozens. Your choices are six or twelve.”

Me: “…Six.”

The clerk gave me the requested stamps.

Clerk: “I don’t know why you people make weird and stupid requests like that.”

Me: “A dozen is twelve. Half a dozen is six.”

Clerk: “Now you’re just lying to seem smarter than me.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I would never try to seem smarter than you.”

I left, shaking my head and wondering if maybe, just maybe, we made one too many budget cuts to our education system.

I’m flying from Perth to Brisbane. At some point during the flight, while I’m relaxing at my seat, someone leans over me from the aisle to stare out the window. At first, I think it’s one of the stewards, but then I notice the uniform. It’s one of the pilots.

The man stares intensely out of the window next to me and then mutters to himself.

Pilot: “Well, I’ll be d***ed. So it is.”

He stepped away from the window and went back to the front of the plane.

This caused me to freak out a little. Actually, it caused me to freak out a lot. I spent the rest of the flight gripping the headrests and hoping.

We landed, and I made some discreet inquiries of the crew. I learned that the pilot had been returning to the cockpit from using the restroom and noticed a double rainbow out of my window.

This story reminded me of why I used to drive fifteen miles past three other grocery stores to shop at my favorite one.

My son was five years old and not exactly the best at remembering anything. For example, he’d forget he was clutching one of his favorite toys, or he’d forget that we don’t live in the grocery store.

We were about to check out when he said:

Son: “I left Mr. Mouse on a shelf.”

Me: “Which shelf?”

He just shrugged. Terrific.

I asked at the customer service desk if anyone had turned in a palm-sized stuffed mouse with half of a plastic Easter Egg on its head. (What can I say? My child was creative.) No one had. I looked through the aisles where we’d gone, but the mouse never turned up.

As I was leaving, they asked me if I’d found it. They seemed genuinely concerned.

Well, they seemed genuinely concerned because they WERE genuinely concerned.

Whatever transpired next in the store must have involved an aisle-by-aisle search with walkie-talkies and storewide announcements, scouring the place from top to bottom, hunting for Mr. Mouse. By the time I got home, I had a message on my voicemail. Mr. Mouse was secured, orange helmet and all.

We put away the groceries and returned to the store. I made sure my son thanked everyone he could.

Related:
My Family, And Other Animals, Part 14

I once had to drive to the airport to pick up my housemate. I had circled through the pick-up area a couple of times already and was making a third circuit when I had to stop because there was a crosswalk in front of me and pedestrians were using it.

One of the officers who controlled traffic there immediately started blowing their whistle and yelling at me.

Officer: “Keep moving! There’s no stopping unless you’re actively picking someone up.”

There were pedestrians literally DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY CAR. And it’s not like I was driving some behemoth of a vehicle that was blocking his view; at the time, I drove a 1993 Volvo 940 turbo station wagon. He could clearly see the people in the crosswalk. I guess he just really wanted me to run them over.

For the record, I chose to wait until I WOULDN’T risk committing vehicular manslaughter before driving out of the pick-up area, going to the parking structure, and texting my housemate that I’d meet her on foot to help her carry her luggage to the car.

This story shows how all retail should work. Some twenty years ago, we got some extra unexpected money. We decided to treat ourselves to a new, big flat-screen TV. Our first visit was to our local store. (We live in a small city.)

I explained what we were looking for (46″ or larger, 100Hz), and the salesperson showed us an expensive [Brand #1]. The price was already reduced to €1,999 (from €2,499 if my memory is correct) but it was a bit too expensive.

Next, he showed us a nice [Brand #2], and the price was €1,199. But before we said anything, he reduced it to €1,099 and then €999. We said we would consider the offer and went to a larger city nearby to get some options.

At [Big Chain Retail #1], we looked at all the large TV sets displayed on the wall and at the four salespeople talking to each other. After ten minutes, we left. No one wanted to sell anything to us.

At [Big Chain Retail #2], we encountered the same thing. We looked at the large TV sets and the staff talking to each other and didn’t bother.

At [Big Chain Retail #3], we found someone willing to sell, but unfortunately, they only had smaller than 40″ and larger than 52″.

We went back to our local store and bought the [Brand #2].

Happily, we unpacked and started the new TV, but the image was flickering. I checked the specs and found that it was 50Hz only. Time to pick up the phone and call the seller.

I told him that our new TV was only 50Hz. He was quiet for a while and then responded.

Employee: “S***! My mistake! I am so sorry. Your TV has a V in the model name; the 100Hz has W. I will call you back.”

Five minutes passed before he called back.

Employee: “I can replace your TV with the same kind but 100Hz for free. But! That model is outgoing, and there is a small chance that I can’t get one for you. If so, I can give you the [Brand #1] set you were interested in, but then I have to add €100 to the price. How about that?”

The next day, staff from the store came with the [Brand #1] TV and replaced the [Brand #2]. They unpacked and set up the TV, and they took all of the packaging with them. I ended up with a much better TV and paid less than half of the original price.

Guess which store I do all my purchases in now!