I work as an Office Manager Jack Of All Trades at the local fire department. It’s not uncommon to get odd requests from busybodies and town gossips looking for information on fire and ambulance runs.

This particular morning was a doozy for these types of calls, and then this one came in.

Me: “Fire Department. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “I need to know how it started.”

Me: “Can you please give me some more information?”

Caller: “The fire from a few months back; I need to know how it started.”

Me: “Normally, our Fire Marshal handles these requests. I will forward you to his number. But first, are you the property owner or resident, or with a lawyer or insurance company?”

Caller: “I’m just a citizen of this county, and I need to know what started the fire to win a bet. If you don’t give me the cause, I will have you fired. I’m your boss since I pay for your salary.”

Sure, buddy, you’re my boss since you live in the county and I work for the city. It doesn’t work that way.

I forwarded his call to our Fire Marshal and hoped the caller didn’t leave a message.

I am a female engineer with a fairly androgynous name; let’s call me “Sam”. After twenty years with the same company, I leave to work for a startup. Two years later, the startup fails. My old boss hears I’m looking for work and offers me a job.

My first day back is interesting. A recent hire comes to ask a question. We’ll call him [New Guy].

New Guy: “I don’t know why, but my boss told me to ask you if we have [obscure piece of equipment].”

Me: “We do. Let me show you. Don’t forget to dry your sample before running the instrument. It will catch fire if it runs with a wet sample.”

New Guy: “Wow! Thanks. I didn’t understand why he told me to ask you, but I guess it’s your name.”

Me: “My name?”

New Guy: “Yeah, before I started here, there was a guy named Sam. He knew everything because he had been here so long. For a long time, people kept saying how much they missed him. I heard he’s coming back, so we’ll have two Sams.”

Me: “I am Sam.”

New Guy: “Yeah, but this is Sam. He knows everything.”

Due to circumstances, my boss and I need to leave the building. That leaves [New Guy] alone, which should be fine.

I return to find the building filled with smoke, the doors open, alarms blaring, and [New Guy] standing in the parking lot with the local fire chief.

Me: “What happened?”

New Guy: “I started running my sample and it started to smoke. I unplugged it, but it was still burning, so I pulled the alarm and ran outside.”

I quickly confer with the chief, don the appropriate breathing apparatus, and run inside to grab the equipment. We drag it into the middle of the parking lot and disable the alarm.

New Guy: “Wow! When Sam gets here, he’s going to be impressed. That sounds like something he would do.”

Me: “Again, I am Sam. I used to work here and came back.”

New Guy: “No, this is a different Sam.”

I give up and deal with the fire chief. The engines arrive and begin to air out the building. My boss returns from his meeting as they are removing the fans.

Boss: “What happened?”

Me: “Looks like [New Guy] didn’t dry the sample enough, and the equipment overheated and caught fire.”

New Guy: “And this Sam dragged the equipment into the parking lot. Wait until the Sam hears.”

Boss: “This is Sam.”

New Guy: “But she’s a girl.”

And that’s how [New Guy] ended up talking to Human Resources and Safety at the same time.

I’m a police dispatcher. This was a call we had a few weeks ago. The lady was dead serious.

Me: “[City] Police Department.”

Caller: “My friend is getting married, and we’re trying to throw her a bachelorette party. Can we get a couple of cops out here to dance for us?”

Me: “Uhh… ma’am, police officers don’t do that.”

Caller: “Yes, they do! Haven’t you ever seen them on TV dancing at parties?”

Me: “No, ma’am, those aren’t real police officers. Those are strippers.”

Caller: “Really?! Oh… Well, what about firefighters? Will they come dance for us?”

I was with a group of friends going on a skiing trip in Austria. Most of the group had skied before, but [Girl] and I were first-timers, and we signed up for early morning lessons. We used a ski lift to get to the place on the mountains where lessons took place, and then we came down and joined the group for lunch.

Unfortunately, during one lesson, [Girl] fell badly and tore her knee so that she could not stand. Emergency services were called, and they decided to move her back down the mountain on the ski lift. I went down on the lift to tell the others. They put her in a body bag to keep her warm and then, to keep her knee immobilised, they laid her down across the bench, strapped her on, and then took the next bench behind her.

As she was coming down, I reached the bottom and joined my friends.

Friend: “Where’s [Girl]?”

I pointed to the body bag that could now be seen coming down on the lift with the medical team behind it.

Me: “She’s there.”

Friend: “Oh, my God! [Girl]! Oh, my God!”

I suddenly realised that all they could see was an inert body bag being transported down the mountain and assumed the worst. At this point, I panicked slightly and, rather than just telling them she had only hurt her leg, I turned round and shouted:

Me: “It’s okay! It’s okay! They haven’t zipped it up!”

The fire alarm has gone off in the mall where our store is located. We usher the few customers in our store outside so we can all head outside.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, we have to evacuate due to the fire alarm.”

Customer: “But I’m still shopping.”

Me: “You can continue shopping if it’s a false alarm and we can reopen, but we all need to leave right now.”

Customer: “I need to get a present for my wife! It’s our anniversary tonight!”

Me: “Sir, I am sure your wife would rather have you alive than have a gift.”

Customer: “…You haven’t met my wife.”