Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there! They’ll arrest me!”

State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

Me: “Well, you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

Patient: “NO! The Chinese lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

Me: “Don’t worry; we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

(We get to the hospital.)

Me: *to my partner* “Oh, my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

Patient: *as we walk away* “STAY AWAY!”

Caller: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Caller: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90 mph!”

Me: “Generally, at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Caller: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license plate is [Plate Info].

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you, I’ll get right on mailing this–”

Caller: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes, it did.”

Caller: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Caller: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “And what is your driver’s license number?”

Caller: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Caller: *click*

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line.)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my in-laws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support, if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”

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