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Well, That’s Even More Than Less Than Unhelpful

, , , , | Working | November 22, 2021

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], you’re into gardening. There’s a bush with purple berries in my garden. Do you think you could help me identify them?”

Coworker: “Absolutely. Bring some in.”

The next week, I do so.

Me: “Here’s a bag of those berries I mentioned. Let me know what you think they are.”

Later that day:

Me: “Oh, hello, did you get a chance to look at those berries?”

Coworker: “Yes. I think they’re either blackcurrant or deadly nightshade. Now please excuse me while I go wash my hands.”

It Might Be Easier To List Things You CAN Google At Work

, , , , | Working | July 16, 2021

I am discussing work with my coworker when he suddenly comes out with a non-sequitur.

Coworker: “Did you hear about the survey that included ‘Chinese’ under ‘sexuality’?”

Me: “Um, what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they included it under ‘sexuality’ instead of ‘ethnicity’ by accident. Let me show you.”

My coworker turns to his computer, opens Google, and starts to type “Chinese sexuality survey.”

Me: “NO! That is not something you Google at work!”

My coworker pauses, Googles “Things you do not Google at work,” and points at the screen, displaying a webpage listing things one does not Google at work.

Coworker: “Yay!”

Find A Job You Love

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 23, 2021

I am working as a phlebotomist at a labcorp. That means I’m the guy that draws your blood whenever you need it done for some sort of test. The latest person I’m drawing blood from is polite with a decent sense of humor and doesn’t freak out at the idea of having blood drawn, so generally, I consider him a decent customer.

Me: “Apply pressure here, please.”

Patient: “Okay. I guess you’re almost done with me, huh?”

Me: “Just about.”

Patient: “Lucky you. Most people agree five minutes of dealing with me is about the most anyone should have to endure.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not fair. I didn’t mind drawing for you at all.”

Patient: “I guess I can understand that. I mean, most people I meet end up wanting to stab me, but you’re one of the few that actually gets to do it! Must be very therapeutic, huh?”

Me: “Yep, stabbing people for fun and profit — what’s not to love about this job?”

Patient: “That’s the spirit! Have a good day now. Enjoy making people bleed.”

Me: “Oh, I will, I promise.”

Is There A Backup Coworker, Too?

, , , , , | Working | June 16, 2021

I work in a clean room in a high-accuracy lab. We do work for all sorts of companies — automation, aviation, military, etc. Mistakes are not acceptable, so we have strict rules and procedures to follow. When things do go wrong, it’s normally minor and picked up by one of the overchecks we do.

I’m checking some parts on a machine and notice it clearly isn’t right. I check it on the backup equipment, and yes, there is a problem. I shut down the machine, lock it off, and finish the work on the backup.

It takes me a while but I finish and put it in the collection area. I notice another set of parts my coworker set down.

Me: “Did you check these today?”

Coworker: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “I have the backup. How did you check them?”

Coworker: “On the [main machine], duh!”

Me: “But I have the key. How… how is that possible?”

Coworker: “Ugh, I don’t have to explain the obvious to you.”

He snatched the key out of my hand.

I debated what to do, but in the end, I had to raise it to my boss. Turns out [Coworker] had never checked them at all and just copied the last report he did. All his work had to be rechecked, including some of the stuff already given back to the customer. It was incredibly embarrassing for the company and department. Officially, he quit, but I don’t think he had a choice.

Spaced Out On Spatial Reasoning

, , , | Working | May 26, 2021

I work in a lab, and part of my job is to process biohazard residue to be safely discarded. I am at my workstation when a coworker comes by.

Coworker: “Could you please come and take one of the residue bins? It does not have a lid, so I cannot close it.”

We tell the cleaning staff not to touch those bins unless they are absolutely clean and with the lid properly snapped shut, so I follow my coworker.

Me: “How come you do not have lids to close the bin? Are there none left?”

Coworker: “Yes, there are some, but the bin I am talking about is square-shaped.”

That is odd, because the room that is assigned the square bins is one floor above us. Thinking that maybe the cleaning staff made a mistake, I say nothing else. When we arrive at the lab, my coworker points to a lidless bin… that is round-shaped.

Me: “Uh… That is not a square bin.”

Coworker: “No, but none of the round lids fit it.”

I take a random round lid, put it on the bin, and press down. It snaps shut immediately. I look at my coworker.

Me: “You do see that I just closed it, right?”

She stares at me with a blank look.

Coworker: “Yeah… but that is not its lid.”

Me: “Lids are interchangeable. All the round lids fit all the round bins.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I know. But that is not its lid.”

She keeps staring at me as if that is the most logical explanation possible. I simply take the bin and go for the door.

Coworker: “But that is not its lid! Thank you!”

Hey, at least she said, “Thank you!”