Getting On A Boat And Getting Sloshed

| Working | July 17, 2017

(I’m 15 and going on a cruise to the Bahamas with my 23- and 21-year-old sisters, as well as my parents. My sisters order wine one night at dinner, and our waitress comes back with three glasses instead of just two.)

Waitress: “Here you go.”

(She hands my sisters their drinks, and then proceeds to give me one.)

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think I ordered wine.”

Waitress: “Are you sure? I remembered all of the daughters ordered drinks.”

Me: “I’m 15.”

Waitress: “Oh, well, just keep it.” *winks* “No one has to know.”

Dad: “I know!”

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They’re Not In The Same Boat

, , , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)

Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”

Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”

Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”

Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”

Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”

Worker: “Umm…”

(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)

Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*

Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”

(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)

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School Can Teach You Life Lessons

, , | Learning | May 15, 2017

(I’m on weekend cruise which is a little different: it’s a music cruise with concerts all weekend, headlined by a famous Irish-American punk band. Also, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Around three o’clock:)

Announcement Over The PA: “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome aboard the ship. We would like to remind you that we will be sailing at 5:00 pm and there will be a safety drill at 4:30. Thank you!”

(At four o’clock:)

Announcement Over The PA: “Hello again, everyone! Just a reminder that there will be a safety drill in half an hour. In the interests of… keeping everyone focused, there will be no alcohol service until after the drill. Repeat, all alcohol service is CLOSED until after the safety drill.”

(At 4:30, my friends and I truck up to our muster station. We’re sober; the same can’t be said for everyone else in our muster group of about thirty or forty people, all of whom are talking and laughing and completely ignoring the young employee trying to get their attention.)

Employee: “All right, everyone! We’re going to go over– Everybody? Guys?”

Cruise-Goer #1: “WHOOO! [PUNK BAND] ROCKS!”

(Various other people are cheering.)

Employee: “Uh, yeah, so if we could just—”

Cruise-Goer #2: *to [My Friend]* “You’re pretty! Are you with this dude? Wanna ditch him? I guarantee, I’ve—”

Employee: “Hello?!”

My Friend: “Clap once if you can hear me!” *claps her hands*  

(A few people also clap.)

My Friend: “Clap twice if you can hear me!” *claps twice*

(A few more people join in.)

My Friend: “Clap three times if you can hear me!” *claps three times*

(And so on. After five claps, the group settles down enough for a headcount and a quick safety lecture before streaming back to the bar.)

Employee: *to [My Friend]* “Thanks for helping out.”

My Friend: “No problem. I’m a high school teacher, so I know how frustrating it is when no one will f****** listen to you and you wanna stab them in the f****** face.” *to me* “Let’s go get a beer and see if we can find [Lead Singer]. Maybe he’ll sign my boobs.”

Employee: “I’m not sure whether to pity or envy your students…”

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Thinks Very Harley Of Himself

| Friendly | July 16, 2016

(We were at a dinner table with ten strangers.)

Me: “What does everyone do?”

(Everyone at the table shares what they do for a living.)

Me: “I work for Harley-Davidson.”

Uptight Gentleman: “Let me tell you why Harleys are awful motorcycles.”

(He goes on a 15-minute tangent on Harleys.)

Me: “Would you like to know the worse thing about owning a Harley? Every time I stop at a traffic light somebody rolls down their window and says “Nice Bike.””

Uptight Gentleman’s Wife: “That never happens to us on our BMW.”

Me: “That’s why I ride a Harley!”

(We never saw them again!)

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| Right | May 4, 2016

(I work on a cruise ship.)

Customer: “I have a question. Do you all live on the ship?”

(This is a very common question which we’re slightly fed up with answering, so I decide to have some fun.)

Me: “No, we all get flown in every day by helicopter.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yes! First class!”

(I later found out that the customer had complained about the noise from the “helicopters” keeping him awake at night!)

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