I have been modeling bridal gowns for fifteen years despite having never been married. After starting a job aboard a cruise ship, I have several men give me their phone numbers.

One man in particular has made his intentions clear; he’s looking for a hookup. He has asked me for a picture of myself. I’m not the hookup type and have told him once before, so to get my point across this time, I send him a picture of myself at a bridal gown fitting — no makeup, hair not done, and bad lighting. My line of thinking is that sending him the picture of me in a wedding dress will get him to ghost me.

Here’s what happens via text.

Man: “Wooooo, you are beautiful! That’s last night?”

Me: “That’s me in a wedding dress.”

Man: “You’re married?”

Me: “I’m not married, just wearing the dress.”

Man: “You look so beautiful!”

Me: *Out loud* “THAT DIDN’T WORK?!”

After facepalming, I told him again that I’m not the hookup type and the topic never came up again.

My father-in-law was an imposing man — a solid six foot four — and a very successful Aussie plumber, and he had a really dry sense of humour. He also hated “privileged w*nkers” as he called them, as he used to have to deal with lots in his work.

He retired some years back when another plumbing firm paid lots for his business which had some very lucrative government contracts. To celebrate, the in-laws booked themselves a big tour to the US, Alaska, and Canada, which included a glacier cruise.

They arrived at the cruise check-in to be told that their cruise ship had hit an iceberg so it was in for repairs. The choice was to take a refund or try to fit on a competitor ship.

An English couple ahead of the in-laws were yelling and complaining about those options not being good enough and how they had better get a good room. As they finally left, everyone heard my father-in-law muttering, “Whinging w*nkers,” which horrified my mother-in-law.

When they stepped forward to the desk, the poor woman was looking concerned at this big bloke. She was about to start her explanation when my father-in-law stopped her.

Father-In-Law: “I heard you before. So some idiot’s getting his a**e kicked ‘cause our boat’s stuffed. We’ve travelled from the other side of the world and are not coming back, so we don’t want a refund. If you can get us on the other boat, that would be great. Thanks, love. We don’t care if it’s in the bowels with no window, as long as we can get somewhere to see the sights.”

She looked very relieved, told them she would see what she could do, and sent them off to a lounge to wait for a bus.

The bus came and took them to the other ship. They were taken around some corridors, and they opened the door into a stateroom on top of the decks on the corner. There were floor-to-ceiling windows facing the front and one side. They had a fantastic cruise, of course.

The fun bit for them both was finding that the “w*nkers” were down the bottom of the ship.

I work as a tour guide for a popular river cruise company. Generally, I get along with everybody at work and am good with the guests. As I’m coming onto the docks one day after clocking in, I see one of the boats come in from a sightseeing cruise and the passengers disembark.

Among them is an older man in a wheelchair with no legs and a large, infected-looking cut over his eye. He rolls up to me, and the first thing I notice is a vague smell of whiskey. I assume he probably had a couple of drinks on the ship.

Passenger: “So, what’s your favorite movie?”

I’ve been asked stranger things off the cuff, so I just roll with it.

Me: “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King — I don’t even have to think about it.”

That apparently is not what he wanted to hear, as it sends him off on a two-minute rant filled with ableist slurs about how much he hates sequels and remakes.

Passenger: “And you know who’s responsible? You! You f****** millennials have no talent; you can’t come up with any ideas of your own!”

This goes on for another two minutes as he takes his problem with millennials out on me personally, questioning my intelligence, my upbringing, my parentage, everything. Fortunately, I used to be a street performer, so I got used to hecklers early on. Throughout the entire rant, I just stand by, smiling and not saying a word.

Finally, the man stops for breath and I decide to give him a little sass.

Me: “Do you feel better now that you got that out of your system?”

I will remember his next words to me until my dying day.

Passenger: “F*** you, millennial trash! You think you’re so smart with your beard? Why don’t you go remake a TV show?”

Then, he wheeled off and started talking to the people at a table. Ten minutes later, I saw a dockhand escorting the man off of the premises and learned that he hadn’t bought a ticket, had snuck on board the boat by pretending to be part of a larger group, and had spent the whole hour-long sightseeing cruise harassing the bartender. He was finally removed because he wouldn’t stop accosting people and making a scene.

Some people just aren’t happy unless they’re miserable.

Related:
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 16
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 15
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 14
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 13
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 12

I work for a cruise line helping with a children’s activity area. Parents are allowed to drop children off to be watched by us for a little while. One day, a man dropped off his young son with us. It was close to Mother’s Day, so we had little Mother’s Day cards to color, and my coworker tried getting the boy to make one.

Boy: “Does it say Mommy?”

Coworker: “It says Mom right here.”

Boy: “Do you have a Daddy one?”

Coworker: “You mean for Father’s Day?”

Boy: “Yes, please.”

Coworker: “But Father’s Day is a long way away. Mother’s Day is soon so maybe you should make something for your mom first.”

Boy: “I don’t have a mommy.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Boy: “I have two daddies instead of a mommy. Aunt [Name] was pregnant for my daddies, but she is my aunt not a mommy.”

Coworker: “Oh, umm…”

Me: “Oh. It was nice of your aunt to help your dads, and it is nice of you to want to make something for them. Just give me a minute and I’ll get a special Father’s Day card you can color for them.”

We have similar cards we used for Father’s Day, so I printed out one for the child. Then, using a thick pen so it would hopefully stand out against kid coloring, I put an apostrophe after the S in “father’s” and tried my best to turn the apostrophe in front of the S into a tilted heart, so it would read as “Fathers’ Day” instead. The kid happily decorated it before moving on to other activities.

I’d mostly forgotten about the exchange until the man who dropped the boy off and another man walked into the center. The kid immediately shouted, “Dad!” and got up to run to them. I was busy with some other kids, but I did notice the kid proudly presenting the card to his dads while talking animatedly.

A little while later, one of the men came up to me.

Man: “My son told me you made a special Fathers’ Day card just for him. I just wanted to say that my husband and I really appreciate your doing that for him. We’re going to hang this card up as soon as we get home. Thank you.”

It really was nothing special on my part; it only took a few minutes. But his thanks warmed me anyway.

I work at a cruise ship company.

Client: “Do you have any rooms with underwater balconies available?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Client: “You must be new… Can I speak to someone that knows what they are talking about?”

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 23
H2-Slow, Part 22
H2-Slow, Part 21
H2-Slow, Part 20
H2-Slow, Part 19