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Thinks Very Harley Of Himself

| Friendly | July 16, 2016

(We are at a dinner table with ten strangers.)

Me: “What does everyone do?”

(Everyone at the table shares what they do for a living.)

Me: “I work for Harley-Davidson.”

Uptight Gentleman: “Let me tell you why Harleys are awful motorcycles.”

(He goes on a fifteen-minute tangent on Harleys.)

Me: “Would you like to know the worst thing about owning a Harley? Every time I stop at a traffic light, somebody rolls down their window and says, ‘Nice Bike.'”

Uptight Gentleman’s Wife: “That never happens to us on our BMW.”

Me: “That’s why I ride a Harley!”

(We never saw them again!)

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| Right | May 4, 2016

(I work on a cruise ship.)

Customer: “I have a question. Do you all live on the ship?”

(This is a very common question which we’re slightly fed up with answering, so I decide to have some fun.)

Me: “No, we all get flown in every day by helicopter.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yes! First class!”

(I later found out that the customer had complained about the noise from the “helicopters” keeping him awake at night!)

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Not That Many American Forks In The Road

| Friendly | February 16, 2016

(My friend and I are on a two-week vacation to Spain, Morocco, and Portugal. On the second night, we share a table with a Russian couple.)

Friend: “So, what do you do for work?”

Woman: “Oh, we work in health products. Our company is based in Provo, Utah. Do you know where that is?”

Me: “It’s where we both went to college.”

Man: “But it just moved from Provo to American Fork.”

Friend: “Which is where we live. That’s crazy!”

(Five nights later, we’re at a Japanese restaurant with another Russian couple.)

Me: “What line of work are you in?”

Woman: “I sell health products for a company based in Provo, Utah.”

Me: “Which is where we went to college…”

Friend: “Is there something in the water here?”

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The Cruising Dead

| Romantic | January 8, 2016

(My boyfriend and I are waiting for our cruise ship to disembark. We are discussing the muster drill we did earlier, where everyone on the ship must line up and be shown where to go in the event of an emergency, and how to wear a life vest.)

Me: “The muster drill was fun, though if we had a zombie on board that would have been the perfect time for them to attack.”

Boyfriend: “How is a zombie going to get on board?”

Me: “I don’t know but it would make a great movie.”

Boyfriend: “Don’t tempt the fates.”

(Right then the ships horn goes off and everyone outside jumps including me.)

Boyfriend: “The zombies know where we are now…”

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I’ll Make A Mockery Out Of You

| Related | November 3, 2015

(My mother and some friends just returned from karaoke, and she’s telling me about it.)

Mother: “…and they sang that one song from Mulan Rouge. “Making You a Man” or whatever it’s called?”

Me: “…”

Mother: “No, wait, just Mulan!”

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