When I’m fifteen, I go on an open-bar cruise, but obviously, I don’t plan on partaking in that. I’m also not the vacation type, so I spend most of the trip on playing video games and hanging out indoors. I learn what a virgin drink is and get really interested in trying all of them since they’re free. I’m a few drinks in when I get to a drink I’ve never heard of.

Me: “What’s a ‘blended white Russian’?”

Bartender: “It’s like a milkshake but with coffee, and it has alcohol in it.”

Me: “One of those, virgin, please!” *Tries the drink* “Oh, this just tastes like milk… Did you put the coffee in there? Can you?”

He takes it back and puts the coffee liqueur in it. I do not know that it’s alcohol.

Me: “Oh, wow! That’s great. Thank you!”

A few minutes pass…

Me: “Another, please!”

Another few minutes…

Me: “Another, thank you!”

After doing this for a WHILE, I start to get really ill. I see my mom walking across the deck and I call her over.

Me: “Can I get the room key? I drank too much milk too fast so I think I’m going to be ill.”

My mom turns on the bartender.

Mom: “I feel like you should know better than to fill a kid full of milkshakes when we’re on a boat.”

Bartender: *Deadpan* “That’s not a milkshake. It’s a white Russian.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I ordered a virgin!”

Bartender: “You asked for coffee liqueur.”

Me: “I asked for coffee.”

Bartender: “This is a bar. The only coffee I have is Kahlua.”

Mom: “Oh, my God, you’ve been serving a fifteen-year-old drinks!”

Bartender: “Oh, he’s fifteen?” *Looks at me* “You look younger.” *Walks off*

We were under the impression that there was no minimum drinking age in international waters so we didn’t try to complain, which I just learned isn’t even true. Also, “free drinks” was false advertising; most of the drinks I ordered were “Specialty Cocktails” and were very expensive. Sorry for my 400$ vomit, Mom.

I’m at our main ticket booth, and the captain for one of our private charter cruises is hanging out waiting for his guests to arrive. He witnesses my encounter with a phenomenally stupid guest and my obvious urge to beat my head against a wall.

Captain: “So, what are your coping mechanisms for dealing with wanting to yell at guests?”

Me: “The certain knowledge that if I yell at guests I’ll probably get fired.”

Coworker: “Anxiety.”

Me: “Yeah. Anxiety.”

Captain: “I’m not sure I like those answers.”

I’m working at the main ticket booth of a local sightseeing cruise company. The booth faces landward with our docks behind it. Guests line up in designated queues in the courtyard to wait for boarding, and we lead them down the ramp and onto the dock. I am finishing a reservation for a guest.

Me: “We’ll begin boarding at 11:45 from that line in the courtyard.”

I point to the line. The guest doesn’t see it.

Guest: “Where?”

Me: “Right there. You’re looking right at it.”

The guest then points at the courtyard.

Guest: “Is that where the boat is going to be?”

I’m on a cruise ship in the Caribbean with my wife, her parents, and her two sisters. We agree early on that every night we will have dinner together, and we will go early enough to beat the rush. It’s one of the first nights, and we have a very friendly waitress taking our order, bringing us our food, etc.

The next night, my parents-in-law decide they want to try the ship’s Teppanyaki restaurant, so it’s just the three daughters and me. We end up coincidentally at the same table, with the same waitress. What happens next surprises us.

Waitress: “Good evening, Ms. [Sister-In-Law #1], Ms. [Sister-In-Law #2], Ms. [Wife], Mr. [My Name]. Where are Mr. [Father-In-Law] and Mrs. [Mother-In-Law]?”

We are shocked. We have not told her our names; she must have read them on our ID cards which we showed her when ordering drinks. Just as amazing is what happens next:

Waitress: “Do you want iced tea, water, ginger ale, and Diet Pepsi again?”

This was our correct order from the previous night.

From then on, every night, we asked specifically if we could sit in that waitress’s section. Once, they even pulled her off of buffet duty to wait our table — for which she thanked us profusely. 

Once, the hostess started bringing us somewhere else, and we saw the waitress already putting our drinks at our regular table. Despite her efforts to discourage us, my father-in-law left her a massive tip.

I know it’s not reasonable to expect that wait staff will remember your name and order, but when it does happen, it helps make the meal a bit more special.

I am the assistant manager of sales in the photo department onboard a cruise ship. We sell a lot of cameras and we have a special on a waterproof cameras that comes with a kit: 4GB card, rubber case, and a floating strap.

A guest just bought one and I explain to him how to use it. The next day, he’s back.

Guest: “Hey, uh… Listen, I lost my camera.”

Me: “What happened?”

Guest: “Well, I went snorkeling, and I forgot to put on the floating strap, so it fell down and I couldn’t find it. I want to buy another one.”

Me: “All right, no problem. I’m sorry you lost your camera. Here, let me bring you another one and show you how to put on the floating strap.”

I bring a new camera, show him how the floating strap is attached, and go through all the details. I have to add that I have the very same camera and I have never had issues with it and the floating strap works great.

Fast forward to the next day. The same guest comes back.

Guest: “Uh… Yeah, I lost the other camera, too.”

Me: “What? Again? How?”

Guest: “Well, I didn’t put on the floating strap and I went on a snorkeling excursion and I dropped it in the water.”

I am speechless!

Guest: “So, uh… Can I have another one for free?”

Me: “Sorry, but no.”

Guest: “But I already bought two of these; you should give me another one for free!”

Me: “Thanks for your business, but I’m afraid it won’t change my answer. You can’t have a $300 camera for free.”

He actually complained to guest services and I got a call from the hotel director. When I explained to him what happened, he couldn’t stop laughing.