I work for an amusement park that has a large green replica of the Eiffel Tower. I work at the stands at the base of the tower, right outside the shops.

Guest: “Do you have one of them paper things that shows you where things are?”

Me: “Do you mean a map?”

Guest: “Yeah, one of them map things!”

Me: “I don’t, but the store behind me does.”

He goes in, comes out with the map, and asks:

Guest: “Do you know where that Eiffel Tower thingy is?”

I don’t say anything and just point behind him.

I explain this encounter to a coworker later, who happens to be German. 

Coworker: “Oh, forgetting the name of something I can understand. In Germany, we call it ‘Sprachenkrise’ which I guess in English means ‘language crisis’. Once, I couldn’t remember the word ‘cemetery’, so I made do with ‘sadness park’.”

I work in a touristy restaurant in New Orleans. We’ve just rolled out a Mardi Gras-themed menu, including a cocktail called “The Pink Chicken” (Malibu, Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, pineapple juice, and grenadine). I overhear a new server offering this to some customers.

New Server: “Don’t worry; it’s safe to order the Pink Chicken because we put enough alcohol in it to kill the salmonella.”

I ran over to play it off as a joke and then took the new server to the back to explain some VERY rudimentary basics.

We have this obnoxious guy in the office who ticks off so many annoying boxes. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, he’s loud and crass with all his achievements (both work- and non-work-related), and he likes to boast about things that are obviously fake or impossible. “Oh, some kid finally beat Tetris? Pfft! I did that when I was a kid on my first try!”

I’ve come back from a week’s annual leave, and he passes me by.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, you’re back. You couldn’t even get a decent tan when you were away?”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to get a tan when you’ve been indoors all week.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “What a waste of a holiday to be indoors!”

Me: “It wasn’t really a holiday, more of a competition. I was competing in a Judo tournament.”

Obnoxious Coworker: *Snorts* “Hah! Whatever.”

Me: “I placed third.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “You’re havin’ me on!”

Me: “I assure you I’m not.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “A skinny twig like you does Judo?”

Me: “I do Judo because I’m a skinny twig. It’s great for figuring out how to take down stronger and larger opponents.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “I bet I could still take you on with an arm behind my back.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, yeah? Come on, then. Come at me!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “That’s what I thought.”

Me: “It’s not that. I don’t want to be at the center of a Human Resources incident where I caused you any injury—”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come on! Don’t be a p***y! Come at me! I dare ya!”

Me: “You dare me? What are you, eleven?”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come at me!”

In his excitement, he actually comes at me! Instead of trying to make a display, I simply slide to the side, using my foot to easily trip him up. Honestly, it isn’t even a Judo move, just a simple tripping up. He falls to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. He glares at me and storms off, but he is literally back a minute later with one of the managers, who is also an HR manager. This manager has been having a coffee in the breakroom — in full view of our encounter, I might add.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Well! You saw him trip me up on purpose, didn’t you?”

HR: “I saw you fall.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Because he tripped me!”

HR: “Well… you did dare him.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “This is ridiculous!” *Storms off*

Me: “So, I’m good?”

HR: “You’re good. Try to resist the urge to ‘Judo Chop’ him if you can.”

Me: “That’s gonna be a struggle…”

Thankfully, [Obnoxious Coworker] ignored me for the rest of the day. Bliss!

I overhear two coworkers talking.

Coworker #1: “I was born at [Hospital], so I’m proper local. What about you?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, I was born at home.”

Coworker #1: *Shocked* “At home! Wow! Was your mum there, too?”

I had to leave my desk immediately before I spat my coffee all over my screen.

Coworker: “What time is the ten o’clock meeting?”

I blink for a moment.

Me: “It’s at 11:40.”

Coworker: “What?! But they said they wouldn’t have a meeting over lunch! I’ll be so hungry.”

Me: “Yeah, it sucks. You should tell your boss to order catering if it’s gonna go over lunch.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I should! Thanks!”

Me: “My pleasure.”

They go and come back

Coworker: “I spoke to my manager, and it’s okay; they pushed it to ten.”

Me: “Hallelujah!”