I work in a garage (auto shop) that specializes in EVs. Our troubleshooting can be as much about software as it is about hardware. An angry and annoying customer is having issues with his rather pricey car (the exact nature of the issue isn’t important). My coworker is trying to troubleshoot any software issues the customer might be having:

Annoying Customer: “It’s not software related! It’s mechanical! I know it is! I’m a good driver, so the car must be having issues!”

Coworker: “I’m just troubleshooting—”

Annoying Customer: “—It’s mechanical!”

The annoying customer goes through a tirade of how he knows better, and how he can afford a nice car, so he’s OBVIOUSLY someone important who knows things…

Coworker: “Yeah, now that you’ve said all that, I think there’s a problem with the nut behind the wheel.”

I look up from my paperwork, trying not to smile.

Annoying Customer: “Well, can’t you fix it?!”

Coworker: “I don’t know… sometimes the nuts behind the wheel are pretty bad. Some are impossible to fix.”

Now my manager has looked up. We share a ‘WTF’ look with each other.

Annoying Customer: “You haven’t even checked!”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I can already tell that the nut behind this wheel is one of those very annoying cases. They can really ruin everyone’s day if left unchecked!”

Annoying Customer: “Just fix it!”

Manager: *Walking over.* “What’s the issue here?”

Coworker: “It’s a PICNIC error.”

This one I know: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.

Manager: “Oh, dear.” *To the customer.* “That’s a pretty serious error, but we can have that fixed in a few hours. I’d suggest going to get something to eat and coming back after lunch?”

We’re walking distance to a mall, so this is a fair request.

Annoying Customer: “Fine, but my nut better be fixed by the time I get back!”

I don’t know how we held that laughter in until he left.

My coworker was able to diagnose the issue (software-related) and installed the fix within minutes. In his paperwork, he labelled it under 1D10T error.

The people in my office, all aged twenty-five and over, aren’t the most mature bunch.

Coworker #1: “Eww! Who farted!”

Coworker #2: “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

Coworker #1: “Really? What are you, nine?”

Coworker #2: “Fart rules!”

Coworker #1: “Well, he who said the rhyme did the crime.”

Coworker #2: “He who articulated it, particulated it.”

Coworker #1: “Whoever started it sh*rted it.”

Boss: “Okay, that’s enough, you two. Back to work. [Coworker #1], stop farting in the office.”

Coworker #1: “What?! It wasn’t me!”

Boss: “The one who denied it supplied it.”

Coworker #1: “…”

Everyone got back to work after that. No one knew who provided the raspberry tart.

One of the office secretaries who refuses to retire has just celebrated her 70^th birthday. A big birthday card went around the office for her, signed by nearly everyone.

The day after the birthday, she walks up to me, pointing to a message and a signature in the corner.

Secretary: “Was this you?”

Me: “Haha, yes, that’s me. I know, my handwriting isn’t that legible.”

Secretary: “Legible is an overstatement! This doesn’t even look English! This looks like the line you get in a heart rate monitor, and the patient died halfway through.”

Me: “Ouch. Well, it says Happy Birthday.”

Secretary: “That’s the problem with you kids; you never learned how to write cursive! It’s a huge societal failure if you ask me!”

Me: “Okay, you need to stop talking if you expect me to help you rotate a PDF again. You can write cursive, I can type fast, and my kids can make nineteen TikToks in a day. Let each generation have its thing, yeah?”

Secretary: “…Your kids make clocks?”

I’m in the lobby of a lodge at Fort Baker, the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge. My coworker is working night audit, and I’m getting ready to head home to sleep. A guest calls the front desk, and my coworker answers:

Guest: “You need to turn off the fog horns! It’s disturbing my sleep!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, you do realize the fog horns are there as a safety feature, to warn ships of potentially life-threatening hazards?”

Guest: “And? What of it?”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m just checking how to file your request as the two options are extremely entitled, or just plain stupid, and it looks like we’re going with the former.”

I laughed at my coworker’s response, but I also got worried for him. I went home and came back to work the next day.

Me: “Where’s [Coworker]?”

Manager: “He quit! He finished his shift last night and said ‘adios’!”

Me: “Ah… so that’s why.”

Manager: “Why what?”

Me: “…Nothing.”

If the guest didn’t complain and the manager didn’t know, I didn’t want to say anything, but it must have been a fun shift for [Coworker] finally being able to speak his mind without consequences!

Our office has sent a delegation on a week-long business trip. It’s the final night, and we’re getting drinks at the hotel bar. One of the younger guys has been trying to suck up to the boss all week, much to the eyerolling of everyone else.

He’s ordering at the bar, and in an attempt to look cool in front of the boss, he says:

Guy: “I want a martini so dry you could blow the dust off.”

The poor bartender just looks at him, then at the boss, then at me, then at the guy again.

Our boss looks at him and just goes:

Boss: “Do you realize what you just ordered?”

Guy: *Oblivious.* “Yeah, that’s just how I roll.”

He had no clue. The bartender brought him a glass of pure gin that he was forced to slug back.