They Paid What They Deserved

, , , , , , | Working | March 13, 2019

(My team acquires five members. All of them are people in their late teens or early twenties who often go out drinking and clubbing together. As one of the more senior members of the team, I’m not so fussed about this and I prefer hanging with friends than going out on the town. Because of this, I don’t socialize with them outside of work and a couple of them seem to really dislike me for this. Two of them are guys who come across as rather arrogant and boorish along with being rather shifty. The younger team members seem to be following their lead on most things and it’s been causing issues. Often they show up to work hungover or occasionally still drunk from the night before. I casually warn them not to do this as management has zero tolerance against this kind of thing. Soon after, some of my colleagues tell me that these kids have begun to mock me behind my back and are making comments about boring they think I am. Not bothered with them, I shrug these off as they are a bunch of immature kids. One day, one of the two shifty guys asks me to come out to dinner with them after work. Immediately, I’m suspicious as they wouldn’t normally wouldn’t give me the time of day. However, he is insistent and claims they want to get to know me better. At dinner, it becomes pretty clear they don’t mean to pay me any attention, and whenever I try talking they just ignore more or talk over me. Fed up, I get up to go to the toilet, and the group doesn’t seem to notice. While I’m in one of the stalls in there I hear the two shifty guys plus one other come in, laughing loudly.)

Guy #1: “F*** me, did you see Captain Boring’s face? Mate, he just sits there with a stick up his a**!”

Guy #3: “Why the f*** did you invite that guy? He’s so bloody dull! Rice pudding is more exciting than him!”

(All three of burst out laughing. I just roll my eyes.)

Guy #2: “Well, someone has the pay the bill for us, don’t they?”

Guy #3: “You what?”

Guy #2: “In a while, we’re going to sneak off for a cig, then ditch him with the bill!”

Guy #3: “NO F****** WAY! MATE, THAT’S F****** COLD!”

(Again, they burst into fits of laughter and I can hear them high-fiving and commenting on how hilarious my face will look.)

Guy #1: “Well, that’ll teach the c*** for being such a f****** wet blanket, won’t it?!”

(I am incensed, but rather than rushing back to the table and confronting them, I decide to give them a dose of their own medicine and sneak out a back exit. Later, I get several angry texts, insisting that I owe people money and calling me derogatory names. On Monday, I get into work early and give my boss a heads up about this. Soon after, the two ringleaders come in, looking furious.)

Guy #1: “Oi! C***!” *shoves me* “You f****** owe us money, you mugging little s***!”

Guy #2: “Yeah, what the f***, mate?!”

(Immediately, our manager pulled us into a team meeting. Here, I told the team that I’d overheard their plan to ditch me with the bill and that I thought they were all pathetic morons for sinking so low. Initially, they tried to play it off as a “misunderstanding,” but my manager dismissed it, and after some back and forth the two ringleaders eventually confessed that they were going to do it. Apparently, it was to teach me “not to be so boring.” My manager then proceeded to angrily chew them out and told them they’d acted like immature morons and got what they deserved. I informed the group that I certainly wouldn’t be paying them back after that stunt. For the rest of the day, it was very awkward. However, a day or so later, the dream team was broken up and sent to different departments and were strongly advised that any revenge acts would be severely punished. A few weeks afterward, I saw the two shifty guys being escorted out in handcuffs by the police. They had been selling drugs to different staff members through the company’s instant messaging system. They are apparently facing prison time for their actions. A few of the other members of that gang did actually apologize to me, and they told me that they weren’t aware of the plot until after I left and they felt guilty about the way those two had mocked me. I accepted their apology, but I can’t feel too sorry for the two shifty guys.)


Telling Fishy Stories

, , , , , | Working | March 11, 2019

(It is a slow day, and my coworkers and I are clustered around my desk, talking. Slowly, the topic drifts around to workplace pranks. One of my coworkers has the following story:)

Coworker: “At my last job, we all kept playing pranks on each other. One day, I got the idea to put anchovies in people’s drinks. This one guy got like, three-quarters of the way through his drink before he saw the anchovies at the bottom. Then he puked, so he got sent home. I got that guy a whole day off of work. Somehow, he didn’t want to thank me.”

Winning That Race

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 11, 2019

(Some coworkers and I are having our break in a lunchroom. It’s quiet in the lunchroom with some music softly playing. We’ve had a stressful, hectic morning, so we’re fine just eating our food and relaxing. Two women and a six- or seven-year-old boy come in and sit down at a table on the other end of the lunchroom. Within a minute, the boy gets up and starts running up and down the lunchroom with his arms spread, making noises like he’s a jet fighter. With every turn he makes he increases his volume to the point where he is screaming. The two women don’t notice this because they are completely absorbed in their phones. My Indian coworker grabs the boy by the arm as he passes our table again screaming at the top of his voice. In a quiet voice, my coworker tells the boy to sit down and shut up or he’ll take him to the toilets and flush him. The boy starts crying and one of the women comes storming at our table. When she’s near enough to hear him, my Indian coworker says:)

Coworker: “And that, my boy, is the reason why it is not nice to call people like me a brown ape.”

(The woman’s face turns red, she pulls the boy away from my coworker, and she leaves the place with her friend in a hurry. My coworker smiles and just says:)

Coworker: “Ah, peace. The most precious thing in our society.”

Projecting Incompetence

, , , | Working | March 10, 2019

(I’m a receptionist. People can borrow beamers/projectors and laptops for presentations elsewhere in the building. A coworker hands in a set he borrowed.)

Coworker: “You gave me a broken projector!”

Me: “That’s odd. I hadn’t heard any other complaints about it. Let me check it.”

Coworker: “I had a presentation for guests and we had to huddle around the laptop. It was humiliating! And— What are you doing?”

Me: “Hooking things up. That way I know what is wrong and I can tell the service desk what needs to be fixed.”

Coworker: “You are hooking it up wrong! This cable needs to go here!”

(I look at our projector. It’s the fool-proof kind, color-coded and all. I also have quite the technical knowledge, but I double check, just in case.)

Me: “Well, let’s see what it does when I put the blue VGA-cable into the blue VGA-port… Huh, it works. Which port did you say you used?”

Coworker: “I, eh… I guess we picked the wrong port.”

(He hurried away. He apparently picked a port that said, “Monitor out,”’ to hook up an extra screen. I don’t even know why that projector has that port, but I guess I’ll now have to say, “The blue cable goes into the blue port,” for extra clearance.)

Heard What You’ve Bin Saying

, , , , | Working | March 9, 2019

(Our company is multinational and, as such, we often get people in the office with different accents. Sometimes they are looking for specific people on the floor and they will approach an agent since people move around a lot.)

Agent: “Hi, I’m looking for Bin?”

Coworker: “Bin? Just a normal one? Or a secure one? They’re on the end of the row.” *gestures*

Agent: “Nah, nah, BIN. On the floor.”

(If you haven’t worked in a call centre, this is where everyone who doesn’t work in a specific office is,)

Coworker: “Oh, a fluid bin, for your coffee? There’s one in the kitchen; it’s just off the right.”

(He gets up and shows the agent, leading by his elbow, to the drinks bin, and, helpfully demonstrates how to dispose of coffee buy grabbing this man’s coffee, which happens to be completely full, pouring it slowly down the fluid repository and then placing the cup in one of the slots.)

Coworker: “See? Bin.”

Agent: “No, no, no, BIN [Last Name]! D’ya know where I can find BIN [Last Name]?!”

Coworker: *returns to his desk looking mortified* “So… he was saying BEN the whole time, right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, the South African branch are visiting this week. Probably should have caught on to that. Sorry!”


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