The Drugs Don’t Work

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 13, 2019

(I work with a 15-year-old who thinks she knows everything. I get on with most of my coworkers, but as I am in my 20s and they are mostly teenagers, I don’t associate with them outside of work. They often go partying together.)

15-Year-Old: “What sort of drugs do you like?”

Me: “I’ve never done drugs.”

15-Year-Old: “Are you an idiot? How are you going to fit in and find friends if you don’t do what everyone else does?”

Me: “I have no interest in fitting in with anyone, and I have my own friends.”

15-Year-Old: “That’s just stupid. No wonder no one here ever invites you out. I’m sure some of the guys would take you out if you did drugs with them. You are always going to be alone if you don’t do what everyone else does.”

Me: “I got engaged without ever having to do drugs with anyone.”

Using Her Microbrain

, , , , , | | Friendly | May 13, 2019

(I have this one coworker whom I love to death, but she can be kind of ditzy. Our work recently got these new candy-covered nuts, and we keep them warm under the heating lamps. They’re still really good cold, but they’re best warmed up a little. Said coworker likes to buy a bag of the nuts, but she only eats half of them before they get cold. Last time we worked together, she asked if I wanted the rest of the bag because she doesn’t like them cold.)

Me: “Why not just heat them up in the microwave?”

Coworker: “It’s just not the same as buying them hot.”

(This I get, but I’m trying to make a point as she always throws half a bag away even though she loves them.)

Me: “I don’t see why? I mean, the only difference is either being heated by light waves or micro waves.”

(Cue the stare of slight confusion slowly morphing into understanding.)

Coworker: “OH, MY GOD! That’s why they’re called microwaves? Because they use micro waves?!”

A Deficiency In Efficiency

, , , , , , | Working | May 10, 2019

(I’m out shopping and I enter a store, where [Clerk #1] asks me if I need help and I politely tell her I’m just looking. She leaves me alone. I turn around, but I hear this exchange:)

Clerk #2: “Hey, do you need any—“

Clerk #1: “Don’t ask! I’ve already asked her!”

Clerk #2: “Oh, my God, we’re so efficient.”

It’s Okay; Easter Hasn’t Been About Christianity For A Long Time, Anyway

, , , , | | Romantic | May 8, 2019

(My office hands out an Easter goodie: a limited-edition chocolate bar of a famous fair-trade chocolate brand. It’s clearly an Easter edition, with Easter eggs and the word “Easter” on it. After Easter, we have a few left.)

Me: *to a couple of coworkers* “If someone wants, they can have a second chocolate bar!”

(A coworker practically dives on top of the bars.)

Coworker: “Ooh, I needed a gift for my wife! It has been such a while since I gave her anything!”

Me: *jokingly* “So, your wife gets free Easter chocolate after Easter?”

Coworker: “Don’t judge me! We’re Muslim, so we don’t give a s*** about Easter, anyway.”

(I hope she’ll like the chocolate bar.)

Don’t Fall Short Of The Manager’s Standards

, , , , , | Working | May 7, 2019

(My department manager is known for saying outrageous things. I have a coworker that is very tall — 6’8”.)

Department Manager: “Hey, [Tall Coworker], can you reach that for me?”

Tall Coworker: “Sure.”

Department Manager: “[Tall Coworker] knows I just want him for his body.”

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