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Ah, Mothers, Part 11

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2023

A woman comes into the store with about three children. All four of them look incredibly well-dressed, and it is obvious they’re wealthy. The children are also kinda bratty, and they immediately spread out and start picking up items and leaving them on the ground or in a messy pile, seemingly just for the sake of it.

Mother: “Sorry about them. Usually, the nanny is better at handling them; they just seem to walk all over me. Anyway, I’m here to pick up [order].”

Me: “Sorry to hear, ma’am. When I was a kid, all my mom had to do was shout my name in front of the whole store and I would behave.”

Mother: “Oh, really?”

She clears her throat.

Mother: “Clarence! Eunice! Ephelstasia! You are not being reward-eligible with this behavior!”

The kids look up, shrug, and continue their chaos.

Mother: “Oh, well. It was worth a try…”

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 10
Ah, Mothers, Part 9
Ah, Mothers, Part 8
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6

A Hole Lot of Questions

, , , , , , , , , , | Related | July 9, 2023

Stephen here — the one with the puns — with another tale from my childhood.

This wasn’t the first time I surprised or embarrassed my mum — for that, you’d have to go to the doctor’s surgery, where I used a bit of unintentional wordplay — but this is probably the first time it was because of something I did deliberately.

In the UK, it is normal for health visitors to make home visits to check on the development progress of pre-school children. I was three, and a health visitor was in our home with my mum and me for my checkup.

Among the various tests I was given was a pillar box with a number of different shaped holes in the top.

Health Visitor: “Stephen, here are some blocks. Can you please put them in the pillar box?”

My mum wasn’t worried about this test, as I had a toy like it and would often pass the time putting the shapes in the correct holes. But…

The first shape I picked up was a circle. Rather than put it in the round hole, I moved it to just above the hole shaped like a triangle. I held it there for a moment or two, whilst my mum was apparently baffled and more than a little worried as to what I was doing, as I did know my shapes.

After a pause, I looked up at the health visitor.

Me: “Naaaaaaah!”

I then put the shape straight in the correct hole. I proceeded to do this with every single shape: pick it up, hold it above the wrong hole, say, “Naaaaaah,” and then put it in the right hole.

Afterward:

Mum: “He’s never done anything like that before.”

Health Visitor: “I’ve never seen anyone do anything like that before!”

She marked me as successfully completing that task, albeit unconventionally.

Given how I ultimately turned out, I guess you could say this little scene was the shape of things to come…

There Is Customer Service, And Then There Is This

, , , , , , | Right | July 8, 2023

A woman comes in with her son who is maybe twelve years old.

Customer: “Excuse me. I just want to check if something would be all right. My son is on the spectrum, you see, and he doesn’t take to change too well.”

Me: “I think I understand.”

Customer: “Our old sofa is falling apart, and we need to change it. I’ve put it off as long as possible, but I am letting him choose our new sofa. I know it takes a few weeks to order a sofa, so we have to do this now. He’s going to need to sit on every single seat on every single sofa in the store. Will that be okay?”

Me: “Of course! We want to make sure all our customers leave here happy with their purchase!”

So, the mother takes her son around the store, and he does as she said he would. He literally tries every single seat, and he even makes little notes in a notebook about which ones he prefers. We are a large store, and we have almost seventy sofas spread over two large floors, so this takes them over two hours.

I go over to them as they’re nearing the end of their quest, and I speak directly to the boy.

Me: “So, what are the top contenders?”

Boy: “I have taken notes on the top seven so far. I have them all written down in my book, but I won’t know for sure until I spend my Switch time on them.”

Me: “Switch time?”

Customer: “He needs to play his Switch, his uh… Nintendo, to know for sure. He plays for an hour a day, and he always plays in his favorite spot, but we don’t need to do that here. We’ll decide out of these seven he’s chosen and we can go from there.”

Me: *Quietly, away from her son* “Ma’am, would you like him to play his games on the couch so he knows for sure?”

Customer: “That’s very kind of you, but you don’t understand. He wouldn’t be testing it for five minutes or so. He has exactly one hour of screen time, so he would test it for the entire hour. We wouldn’t be able to do all that today, and I wouldn’t want to take up space in your store for my son to just play his game.”

Me: “Ma’am, he wouldn’t just be playing his game, though, would he? We’d be doing all we could to ensure our customer is happy with the sofa that they go home with. Now, we might not be able to spend seven hours here testing each one, but maybe he could use his notes to narrow it down to one or two?”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Absolutely, ma’am.”

The mother relays the information to her son, who uses his extensive notes to narrow it down to two sofas. He then gets comfortable on one and starts playing on his Switch while the mother sits nearby and gets stuff done on her phone.

Near the end of this experiment, the store manager comes over to me and asks what’s going on, as they have been in the store for over five hours now and it looks like they’re just chilling on their devices. I explain, and the manager nods with approval and tells me to carry on.

An hour from closing time, the mother and the boy come up to me, and he reads from his notebook.

Boy: “I think we would like [Sofa Model] in [very precise configuration] in [specific upholstery], please.”

The mother nodded in agreement, and I got them started with ordering the sofa. The little boy left with his mother, talking excitedly about the new sofa, and the mother mouthed a huge “thank you” to me as they went.

That mother is so patient and understanding of her little boy, so the least I could do was offer the same patience and understanding for the few hours they were in the store.


This story is part of the Best-Feel-Good-Stories Of-2023 roundup!

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A Round Of Applesauce For A Mom Who Tried

, , , , , , | Related | July 8, 2023

When I was a kid, the popular item at the time was the Beanie Baby. EVERYONE had one. As we were getting closer to my birthday, my mom asked me what I wanted.

Me: “A Beanie Baby!”

Mom: “What’s that? It’s not too expensive, is it?”

We had medical bills to pay, so money was tight.

Me: “I don’t think so. It’s a small stuffed animal, about this big.” *Shows her with my hands*

Come the day of my birthday, I opened the box and found a small purple basset hound. I let out a cry of delight and picked it up excitedly.

Me: “A BEANIE BABY!”

Mom: “So, what are you going to name it?”

Me: “Oh, no. Beanie Babies come with their own names!”

I started flipping it around, trying to find the tag with the name. Looking back as an adult, I can now see the look of panic in my mom’s eyes, but I didn’t notice back then. Finally, I found the only tag on it.

Me: “Its name is…” *frowns in confusion* “…Applesauce.”

Ever since then, its name has been Applesauce. Yes, I still have it. The tag, however, did not say, “Applesauce”. It was the company’s name… “Applause”.

Fall In S*** And Come Up Smelling Like… Well…

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: Grommulox | July 8, 2023

In our community garden, we get teams of kids from the local school who come to help, and they often turn up on Saturday mornings, as well. They’re almost entirely well-behaved, which is a good job as there’s not a lot we can do about bad behaviour beyond a stern voice. (Although, one time, a lad kicked one of our rabbits, so a girl brained him with a shovel — rough but effective justice.)

There’s this one lad who came for the first time last week. I didn’t know him, but we made him very welcome. He only lasted half an hour before storming off in tears after his THIRD telling off for spinning round and round holding a tool and then letting it fly off at head height.

This morning his mum (I assume) came with him. I saw him point out my friend and me, but he didn’t ask to join in, so after shouting hello, we let them be. After about ten minutes, he started wandering, and my friend shouted to him.

Friend: “Don’t go round behind the greenhouse, mate! It’s not safe round there!”

Well, his mum had obviously been waiting for this; she went 0 to 100 in two seconds flat.

Mum: “Do you own this garden? If not, what business is it of yours where my son goes?!”

Friend: “We just want him to be safe, ma’am.”

Mum: “I’m quite capable of taking care of that myself, thank you.”

Fine. On you go.

Off he went, exploring behind the greenhouse. It’s not safe because the compost heap is back there, which is very unstable, and the muck mound, which is a giant pile of horse manure we get delivered every autumn. By the spring, the inside is all nice and rotted down, and the outside is hard, crusty… and less strong than you think.

After a minute there was a crunch, a squeal… and I think we did very well to drag him out without saying, “I told you so,” or breaking into guffaws. He was absolutely black from chest height downward, and although well-rotted manure doesn’t smell really bad, it is very thick, sticky, and slimy.

His mum grabbed him without a word, and they headed for the gate. He started bawling as soon as the surprise wore off.

Friend: “Would you like some bin bags to spread out in your car?”

To her credit, she did say thanks when he handed them over.

I wonder if we’ll see them again next week?