(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee, as well as his $15,000 yearly dues, were not refunded.)

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(It is my first night on the job. A woman checks in and complains that there is “man hair” in her bed. I can tell she is tired, so I put her in a new room and even offer to carry her luggage for her, to which she declines. Two hours later, I write a short note saying, “I apologize for the hair in your bed. Please enjoy a free breakfast in the morning on me and I hope you enjoy your stay.” She approaches the front desk moments later.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me. What is this?”

Me: “Well, I felt bad about the problem with your room so I was just trying to show some extra hospitality. I figured you would get it when you woke up in the morning.”

Customer: “No! That’s not what this is. This is sexual harassment!”

Me: “Excuse me? I was trying to be nice and hospitable because I felt bad about your situation.”

Customer: “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a female traveler, and to be harassed by employees and other male travelers?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, this is his first night working here. I assure you that he used his best judgment, and meant nothing sexual by his nice gesture.”

Customer: “I’m sure he’s nice, but you need to tell him how to interact with female customers. Offering to help carry luggage and putting notes under doors is sexual harassment! I will not be staying here ever again!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “Note to self: Don’t offer to carry luggage for a woman again or offer her a free breakfast coupon.”

Coworker: “I think she just wanted to think you were sexually harassing her.”

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(I’m a driving instructor taking a student for his first drive ever. It’s a quiet suburban street, away from major traffic.)

Me: “Okay, just pull out slowly and watch for parked cars…”

(As my student is doing this, a frustrated driver that has been following us pulls into the lane next to us, driving the wrong way since it’s a two-lane road.)

Angry Driver: *yells out window* “Learn to f****** drive!”

(The angry driver speeds off … and crashes right into a car heading the opposite direction. Later on, after we’ve pulled over and are waiting for the police…)

Me: *To student:* “Okay, that’s an example of what NOT to do while driving.”

(I was a customer watching this exchange. A customer walked up to the counter with his young child to purchase ‘Halo 3.’)

Cashier 1: “Just to check, you know this game is rated ‘M’, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Cashier 1: “Sorry, just have to check, part of the job.”

Customer: “What good is that for?”

Cashier 2: “It’s just to prevent minors from playing games with violent or mature content, unless parents are OK with it.”

Customer: “Well that’s stupid.”

Cashier 2: “It’s required by law. If we don’t check, we could lose our job. It’s a violent game – shooting aliens, blood, etc.”

Customer: “I’ve been shooting aliens since I was 12!”

Cashier 1: “Well, it’s our job and we have to do it.”

Customer: *storms out with the child* “Thanks for nothing!”

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the backroom for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)