Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling [Company] Networks, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

(I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

Caller: “NO! Stop bull-s****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Well, it’s…”

Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled five customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

Me: “Who will that benefit?”

Caller: “ME!”

Me: “How?”

Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office. A mom calls me five minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We are getting ready to close for the weekend.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00 pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call — you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails… I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

Me: “…”

(I am working as a cashier at a small farm stand and a man comes to purchase.)

Me: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m good. You?”

Me: “Very well, thank–”

Customer: “You d*** teenagers! None of you have any manners anymore! I swear, I have no idea–wait. What did you say again?”

Me: “Very well, thank you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I finish totalling his purchase, he pays.)

Me: “Thank you so very much, kind sir. I certainly hope you have the most wonderful day. Please come back soon, if you wish.”

Customer: *sheepishly* “… thanks…”

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(This happened quite a few years ago, but it’s still one of my fondest bookstore memories.)

Customer: “Do you happen to sell that Harry Potter book?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Would you like me to show you where they are?”

Customer: “If it’s no trouble…”

Me: “No trouble at all. ”

(I lead him over to the children’s section and hand him the first book in the series.)

Me: “Here you are. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “No, I think that’s all I need.”

(The customer shovels a dozen copies of the same book into his arms.)

Customer: “The church is having a book burning tonight and I just need to make sure I bring enough.”

Me: *laughs*

Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not joking.”

Me: “Oh. Well, you do realize that there are now four books in the series?”

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(On Mondays we have a medium cup of coffee for a dollar deal. A woman came in to order her drink.)

Customer: “I would like a small coffee with steamed milk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Actually, it’s with soy milk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “And you know what? Make it a medium.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.18.”

Customer: “No, it’s only a dollar.”

Me: “But it’s steamed soy milk; that’s different from–”

Customer: “You guys are so soy unfriendly! If I have dairy I could go into anaphylactic shock! This is ridiculous; it’s a medium coffee! It’s only extra because of soy milk. I can’t believe this!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s extra for two percent, too.”

Customer: “You are just a soy Nazi! Give me my money back; I’m going to [Competitor]. Don’t expect to see me again; this is so ridiculous! You guys aren’t going to make any money if you aren’t more soy friendly. You’re just soy Nazis!”

Me: “…”

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