Totally (Coco)Nuts About Being Vegan

(I have just come back to my desk with a carton of milk to fill up my cereal, which I keep in my desk drawer so people won’t try to steal it. I take a mouthful, and while I’m chewing my coworker starts talking to me.)

Coworker: “That is disgusting!”

(I stare at her while I chew.)

Coworker: “How many cows did you rape to fill up your bowl?!”

(Realising what she’s getting at, I tap the top of the carton which is still on my desk.)

Coworker: “Just because we’re the most evolved doesn’t mean we have the right to hurt and murder and rape our fellow creatures. You should be ashamed! Try some f****** vegan options, for once. It won’t kill you!”

(This entire time, while finishing my chewing, I have been steadily tapping the carton more loudly. She finally clocks on.)

Coworker: “And why are you smacking your bottle of cow’s blood? Are you trying to make me sick?”

Me: *swallowing* “It’s coconut milk. I’m lactose intolerant.”

Coworker: *suddenly happy* “Oh, that’s great! Can I try some?”

Me: “No, not after that steaming pile of ‘attitude’ you just unloaded.”

(I leave and finish my breakfast in the kitchen. I put my milk back in the fridge and get on with my day. Around lunchtime, I go back into the kitchen and find the same coworker looking at my milk with a sour face.)

Coworker: “How can something vegan taste so horrible?”

Me: “I didn’t say you could try that.”

(She jumped, dropped and spilled the milk on the floor, and ran past me, not a word of an apology or anything. I reported her for using someone else’s food, and she was put on probation. She tried to retaliate, saying it was because she was vegan, but then a lot of other coworkers came forward saying she had done the same with their food on finding out it, too, was vegan. They were afraid that if they said something they would get in trouble because of her privileged attitude; I just happened to be the one to open the floodgates. She still works here, but she has a very close eye kept on her, and I just bring in a small beaker every morning with my milk instead of a whole carton.)