Me: “Hello, welcome to [Ice Cream Department]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *sounding angry* “I just purchased some of your ice cream for my son and now he’s broken out in hives! He has an allergy and all your ingredients should be clearly labelled!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. It does say that our ice cream is both peanut and gluten-free, and our ingredients are available upon request, as they vary, depending on the type of ice cream someone orders.”

Customer: “Well, you didn’t tell me that before! And now my son has broken out in hives! This is all your fault!”

Me: “May I ask what your son is allergic to?”

Customer: “Sucrose. I don’t see why this matters.”

Me: *raises eyebrow* “Our ice cream doesn’t contain sucrose.”

(At this point, said customer’s young son walks in, looking perfectly fine and eating his ice cream.)

Customer: *surprised* “I told you to wait outside!” *in a lower voice* “…and out of sight!”

This story is part of our roundup about people lying about their health!

Read the next story in this roundup here!

Read the roundup itself here!

(For eleven days each summer, Calgary goes a bit crazy with The Stampede. Businesses are decorated in Old West themes, and our bank is no exception. For the occasion, we print up ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ posters featuring our manager and certain tellers and plaster them around the lobby. A customer walks in, looks at the posters, looks around in alarm at our bank manager, and then sidles up to my line.)

Customer: “Are you all right? I know you can’t talk, but do you want me to call 911?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Are they holding you hostage?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “Them!” *gestures at my bank manager*

Me: Oh, ma’am, they’re not criminals; they’re regular staff. This is Stampede!”

Customer: “You shouldn’t put up posters like that. It’s like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater!”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

Read the next More Clueless Tourists roundup story!

Read the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to return this orange juice.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It’s brown.”

Me: “Oh, wow. When did you purchase it?”

Customer: “The 19th of this month.” *hands me her receipt*

Me: “Miss, this receipt says you purchased this orange juice on the 19th of last year. You bought this 367 days ago.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s gone brown. I’d like a refund.”

Me: “Did it not occur to you that orange juice would expire over the course of the year?”

Customer: “I thought if I waited until the 19th of the month again, it would be okay.”

This story is part of the More-Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup!

Read the next More-Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup story!

Read the More-Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup!

(I work at a theater, and this shift I am in the box office selling tickets. A customer approaches me who has just gotten out of a movie.)

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I would like to lodge a complaint with your manager.”

Me: “She isn’t actually working today, sorry, but if you tell me what you need to complain about, I can make sure it gets passed onto her right away.”

Customer: “I just watched The A-Team and it wasn’t at all how I thought it would be. The green people were very blurry!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there aren’t any green people in the movie The A-Team. Are you sure you went into the right auditorium?”

Customer: “What are you talking about? There is only one auditorium in this place!”

Me: “Actually, sir, we have five auditoriums, and there are different movies playing in each of them.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me that?! And why was the movie blurry?!”

Me: “Well, sir, the only movie we have that has green people in it is Shrek, and that movie is in 3D, so if you are not wearing the 3D glasses it would be very blurry.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you give me those glasses?”

Me: “You didn’t buy a ticket for that movie.”

Customer: “If there is only one auditorium, when does my movie play?”

Me: “Sir, your movie is over. You went into the wrong auditorium.”

Customer: “Well, that’s all your fault!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but how is this my fault?”

Customer: “You didn’t tell me that there is more than one auditorium!”

Me: “When I sold you your ticket, I told you were in auditorium three.”

Customer: “Oh, I just thought you were stupid. So, can I have a refund?”

Another Customer In Line: “Get out of line, dumba**!”

This story is part of our 3D Movies roundup!

Read the next 3D Movies roundup story!

Read the 3D Movies roundup!

(I work in a custom ceramics shop where we offer a touch-up/repainting service. A woman in a formal dress comes in with an armful of garden gnomes.)

Customer: “I need these gnomes to match this dress.”

Me: “Okay, we can do that. Do you mind if we take a picture for reference?”

Customer: “It’s for a wedding.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Customer: “It’s this afternoon.”

Me: “This afternoon?”

Customer: “Yes, at three. What, did you think I just walked around dressed like this all the time?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we can’t help you. It would take the better part of a day just to paint all these little guys, and it takes at least three hours for the glaze to dry completely.”

Customer: “You don’t need to paint them! Just get them to change their little clothes!”

Me: “Ma’am, these are garden gnomes.”

Customer: “Exactly! Now, unfreeze them and make them change! I’m going to be late!”

This story is part of our Outrageous Requests roundup!

Read the next Outrageous Requests roundup story!

Read the Outrageous Requests roundup!

This story is part of our Weird Customers roundup!

Read the next Weird Customer story!

Read the Weird Customer roundup!