Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

(After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Girl, I am sure! My phone is not working.”

Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ‘9’ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

*Silence for a moment.*

Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”

Customer: “Why is my credit card being denied?”

Me: “Is it an American credit card?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m from Texas and I’m traveling to Alaska.”

Me: “Credit card companies sometimes block purchases made in other countries if they don’t know you’re traveling.”

Customer: “But I’m not in another country.”

Me: “This is Canada, sir.”

Customer: “But it’s on the way to Alaska.”

Me: “I know, sir, but it’s still another country, so you probably need to call your credit card company.”

Customer: “What stupid country is this?!”

Me: “Actually, sir, it would happen with any country you travel to because it’s a safety feature for your own security.”

Customer: “Well, if Canada wasn’t in the way of Alaska, this wouldn’t be a problem!”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book based on a movie. Life is Beautiful, I think?”

Me: “I don’t believe Life is Beautiful” was originally a book. Are you perhaps thinking of A Beautiful Mind?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes, that’s the one! Get me that one! It’s the one about World War II. And the guy is burned. And there’s a French Nurse. That’s the book I want!”

Me: “That actually sounds like The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. I can grab a copy of that for you!”

Customer: “Yes! The English Patient. That sounds right. But Michael Ondaatje, that sounds like a foreign name. No, The English Patient wasn’t written by a foreigner. Do you have a copy that wasn’t written by Ondaatje? I want that story, but I want it written by a Canadian.”

Me: “So you want a copy of The English Patient that is not written by Michael Ondaatje?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s what I want. Do you have any copies of that story written by Margaret Atwood? I do like her.”

Me: “No. I really don’t think we do.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you think any of your other stores might?”

Me: “I doubt it, ma’am.”

This story is included in our impossible requests roundup!

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(Two guys around 15 years old show up.)

Customer #1: “Hey, can I get one ticket to [Movie]?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll just need to see a piece of ID, please.”

Customer #1: “Oh, dang. I don’t have any ID.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid I can’t sell you a ticket. It is an adult-only movie.”

Customer #1: “Can’t you just let us in anyway?”

Me: “Sorry, not without ID.”

Customer #1: “Well, hey, will this work?” *pulls out student ID card to a local high school*

Me: “It doesn’t have your birthdate on it, so, no, it won’t.

Customer #2: “Well, can we pay you to let us in?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, we’ve got money.”

Me: *laughs* “Sorry, no.”

(Ten minutes later, they return with [Customer #1] holding his finger above his upper lip.)

Customer #1: “Hey, I’ve got a mustache. Now can I have one to [Movie]?”

Me: “No.”

Customer #2: “See, I told you that wouldn’t work!”

This story is part of our Fake ID roundup!

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(I am a customer and I have been looking all over for a certain book. I see someone reading it.)

Me: “Excuse me, but could you show me where you found that?”

Girl: “Yeah, just follow me!”

(She leads me to a shelf of books.)

Girl: “I found it right there!”

Me: “I don’t see it.”

Girl: “Oh, that’s because I took the last one!”