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Those Thrifty Communists!

, , , , , | Right | March 17, 2020

(I overheard this at our thrift store.)

Customer: “Do you have any coffee makers?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I have a few. Are you just looking for a Mr. Coffee type?”

Customer: “I want one that isn’t communist.”

Coworker: *scratches his head* “I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “I want a coffee maker that isn’t communist. If it’s made in China, I don’t want it! I refuse to give a communist country my money.”

Coworker: “Um, we’re a secondhand store. Any money you spend here stays here and is donated to [Local Animal Shelter]. I can guarantee it won’t go to China.”

Customer: “If it’s made in China, it’s a communist coffee maker!”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, I don’t think we have any that fit what you want.”

Customer: “Well, then, you won’t get any of my money unless you make your products in the USA!”

(The customer leaves.)

Coworker: “But… we’re a thrift store…”

Of Callers And Communists

, , , , , | Working | March 12, 2020

(I work as a supervisor in a small local bakery. On Fridays and Saturdays, I have two teenagers in the shop to help out and, while they have a lot of promise, they still have a bit of learning to do. This all happens within about ten minutes. The phone rings.)

Me: *busy prepping orders* “[Teenager #1], hon, can you just check the caller ID for me?”

Teenager #1: “It’s the ordering company.”

Me: “Ah, brilliant. Can you just pick up and tell them we don’t need anything until next week?”

([Teenager #1] picks up the phone and, without saying the name of the bakery or even, “hello,” he says…)

Teenager #1: “We don’t need anything until next week.” *hangs up*

Me: “Uh, okay, we’re going to work on your phone manner, hon.”

(Two minutes later, I’m coming into the kitchen from the shop front.)

Teenager #2: “Oh, [My Name], where is Stalin from?”

Me: “He was from Russia.”

Teenager #2: “Oh, yeah. So, [Teenager #1], Stalin was this really famous Nazi…”

Me: “Erm, he was a communist and a Soviet leader.”

Teenager #2: “Are they different?”

(At this moment, I notice a customer in the shop front and go through to serve them.)

Customer: “Can I get the doughnut with the um… ah… millions and billions?”

Me: “Oh, hundreds and thousands!” *what British people call sprinkles*

Customer: “Oh, yeah! Sorry, you must think I’m a right idiot.”

Me: *smiling wanly* “Not at all, sir. In fact, do you want a job?”

Keeping Communists In Check

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2017

(A man hands me a tax check for $3,000 and asks to cash it all. Because of tax season, we are required to put a $25 fee on tax checks, due to the large amount of money we have coming in and out daily.)

Me: “Sir, to cash this I do have to charge you a fee of $25; however, it is free to deposit it, and you can access it from your debit card if you would like.”

Elderly Man: “You know, I didn’t just get on the boat and come up from Cuba. I’ve had my green card since I hit age 16. You d*** commies are always finding ways to take my money. I’m a resident of the USA, and I demand my check be cashed for free.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we charge that fee because we have to express-order money, and we must pay a fee to do that. So, the $25 we charge you goes into making sure we have enough money in the building to cover checks like these.”

Elderly Man: “I ain’t paying no f****** fee! I’ll go to [Popular Retail Location]!”

Me: “Good luck, sir.”

(He comes back an hour later.)

Elderly Man: “Just cash the d*** check and take your fee!”

Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

Elderly Man: “F*****g commie.”


This story is part of our Ignorant-About-Communism roundup!

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Us Communists Gotta Stick Together!

| Learning | April 27, 2017

(I take a drama class when I am in eighth grade. One day we somehow get on the topic of Cuba. The teacher asks us if any of us know where Cuba is.)

Classmate: “Isn’t it somewhere in Russia?”

Teacher: “…”

Me: “Dude, it’s, like, ninety miles south of Florida!”

(How this dude got into eighth grade, I have no clue, especially considering that he was in the same Global Studies class as me.)

The Reds Are Going Green!

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2022

Customer: “I want an indoor plant that I don’t have to water.”

Me: “Well, cacti don’t need much but—”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to water them at all. What can I get?”

Me: “Without dying? I would recommend plants made of polyethylene or polythene.”

I know I am being a smarta**, but I get in trouble when I simply recommend plastic plants.

Customer: “And can I get these plants that are native to the US? I don’t want any foreign plants, especially ones from China!”

Me: “In fact, I think they’re exclusively from there.”

Customer: “This is why the communists are winning!”