At around 3:00 am one morning, I’m pulled over for a random breathalyser check. I don’t drink so I’m not worried. It’s just one of those things that happens occasionally, particularly early in the morning.

As I get ready to blow in the meter:

Police Officer #1: “Have you drunk any alcohol in the last three or four hours?”

Me: “No, I don’t drink alcohol. It makes me very depressed.”

I’m trying to keep it light.

Me: “But I had a couple of cups of tea before I left home if that’s going to be a problem!”

[Police Officer #1] gives me a friendly grin, and we do the business with the breathalyser.

Police Officer #1: *Curious* “The reading is all right, but where are you going at this time of the morning?”

Me: “I’m a research student at the university, and I like to get in early so I can get some work done before the phones start ringing and people start wasting my valuable research time.”

Police Officer #1: *Grinning* “Yeah, I can appreciate that. Have a good day.”

Police Officer #2: *Breaking in, angrily* “What about drugs? All university students take drugs.”

Me: “Not me. I don’t like my mind being messed with.”

Police Officer #2: *Getting angrier* “Don’t get smart with me, you b*****d, or I’ll arrest you for failing to answer my questions properly. You must have been taking something!”

[Police Officer #1] looks a bit doubtful about his partner’s attitude. Starting to get a bit upset, I glance at [Police Officer #1].

Me: “I’m not getting smart. I did answer your questions properly.”

[Police Officer #2] starts shouting angrily and reaching for his gun.

Police Officer #2: “Get out of the car, put your hands on the roof, and spread your legs!”

Now I’m starting to get frightened! [Police Officer #1], a sergeant, quickly breaks in and orders his partner to get back in the patrol car.

Police Officer #1: “I’m very sorry about that. I’m going straight back to the station and putting in an official report about him.” *Gives me his card* “If you want to make a formal complaint, give them my name and I will support you.”

I went on my way, shaking. I’d never before been threatened with a gun just because I passed a breathalyser test! Perhaps it’s time I learnt that some people don’t appreciate my weird sense of humour.

This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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I’m walking in the city when a woman stops me. Through broken English, she explains she is new to the country and lost. She doesn’t want money but does ask if I can walk her to the bus station. She seems quite helpless and nice, so I start to walk with her, but before I know it, I’m surrounded and feel very vulnerable. 

Me: “The bus station is just down there.”

I pick up speed.

Woman: “Wait, walk with me some more.”

Me: “Nope.”

The others start to pick up speed, too. Clearly, this is a setup for pickpocketing or worse. I run toward a shop and dart inside. They call the police and, to my surprise, the group waits outside.

The police arrive and they speak to the group before coming inside.

Police: “I’m told that you took something from that woman and ran off.”

Me: “Is that what they told you? No, they started to follow me. I think it was a pickpocket scam.”

Police: “They allege you took money and jewellery.”

Me: “I doubt they gave you any description. Keep things vague, huh?”

Police: “I’m just telling you the information they gave me. Do you have any cash or jewellery on you?”

Me: “No, I don’t carry cash on me. And the only jewellery I have is my wedding ring, but look: it’s inscribed.”

I take off my ring and show it to him. He hands it back to me and tells me to stay inside. He speaks to the crowd, and when backup arrives, they arrest all of them that don’t run off. I head back outside.

Me: “So…”

Police: “We have everything we need.”

Me: “Do I need to give a statement or anything?”

Police: “Please do when you next have a chance to, but it’s unlikely we will be able to bring any charges against them on that front.”

Me: “But you’re arresting them anyway?”

Police: “Oh, yes. They gave fake names; however, the fake names were already wanted. Luckily, one of the officers recognised them and we believe them to be wanted on a number of other charges.”

Me: “Not the brightest criminals.”

Police: “And yet far from the worst. Stay safe.”

I get a call from a number I don’t recognize but pick it up. An automated voice begins to drone on about my car’s warranty. I decide to press the number to speak with a representative and have a little bit of fun, knowing it’s a scam.

Representative: “Hello, please verify the VIN number of your vehicle, please.”

No company name, no verification that they are through to the right person. Just wanting the VIN.

Me: “Once you tell me what color my vehicle is.”

Representative: “Sorry, but for security purposes, I cannot give you the information until you verify the VIN number.”

Me: “It’s not that personal. It’s just a color. Is it blue? Is it red? You should be able to at least tell me what color the car is.”

Representative: “Sorry, but for security purposes, I cannot give you the information until you verify the VIN number.”

Me: “It’s just a color. It’s not a security risk to tell me the color of the vehicle in question. My neighbor can see the color of my vehicle and they don’t even need information on a computer screen to see it. So, please tell me what the color of my vehicle is.”

Representative: “I’m sorry, I cannot give you that information. Please verify your VIN number, please.”

Me: “Not until you give me the color of my vehicle. I can do this all day.”

Representative: “Okay, ma’am, I’m sorry we could not help you today. Please have a good day.” *Click*

After this call, I got another call about three months later from another unfamiliar number with the same automated “car warranty” song and dance. This time I told them that I don’t have a car and they “apologized” and promised to take me off their “system”.

I’m at the pump, just starting to fill up. A guy carrying a green petrol can comes up to me.

Man: “Hey, could you put a couple of quid in here? It won’t let me put in less than five and I don’t need that much.”

Me: “Err, that’s petrol, right? I’m filling up with diesel.”

Man: “Oh, come on, man. I only want a couple of quids’ worth.”

Me: “Again, I’m not filling up with petrol. I’m using diesel. This isn’t what you want?”

Man: “Mate, I’ve broken down. I only need enough to get me home.”

Me: “Are you drunk? Do you want petrol or diesel?”

Man: “I don’t care, any.”

Massive alarm bells started ringing. His story made no sense. I made up a lie about going to pay for my fuel before getting his. Luckily, the staff were half decent and eventually called the police. The guy started to get real nervous and ran off just before they got there, but they caught him anyway.

It turned out that the guy was drunk, had no licence, and had stolen his friend’s car, which ran out of petrol almost immediately. I guess this wasn’t the first time as he ended up with jail time.

I get a phone call.

Automated Message: “This is Amazon shopping, and an order starting with AMZ for $1,100 for an iPhone has been charged to your account. We suspect fraud. Press one to speak to an agent.”

I press one.

Agent: “How can I help you?”

Me: “You called me.”

Agent: “Oh, yes. We show your account was charged $1,100 for an iPhone.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What’s my name?”

Agent: “What?”

Me: “If my account has been compromised, what’s my name?”

Agent: *Click*

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