Ah, Yes, The Long Lost Cousin Of I. C. Weiner

I’m hanging out with friends when my phone rings. The number shows my area code but it isn’t a number I recognize. I decide to answer anyway.

Me: “Hello?”

Recorded Voice: “This is the Social Security Administration. Your social security number has been flagged for suspicious use.”

You know how the spiel goes. They’ll send out a warrant for my arrest, freeze my bank accounts, etc., unless I press a number to talk to an agent.

Scammer: “Social security office, how may I help you?”

Me: “I just got told my number has been flagged?”

Scammer: “Can I get your name?”

Me: “Yes, it’s Pat Bums.”

This is nowhere close to my name. My friends start cracking up, but I silence them so the “agent” doesn’t catch on.

Scammer: “All right, can you spell that for me?”

I spell it.

Scammer: “Thank you, Miss… ah… Bums. Can I get your social security number?”

Me: “Sure, it’s eight.”

There’s some silence.

Scammer: “Ma’am?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “I need your social security number to verify.”

Me: “Yes, it’s eight.”

Scammer: “The whole number?”

Me: “It’s the only one, yup!”

Scammer: “Ma’am—”

Me: “Oh, the big number!”

One of my friends has to leave the room as he’s laughing too hard.

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, I need the whole social security number.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember! It’s twelve!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, this is a serious matter. If I cannot verify who you are, the arrest warrant may be issued.”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how you could arrest me.”

Scammer: “If your number was flagged—”

Me: “Sir, you know it’s illegal to impersonate a government employee?”

He hangs up. I set my phone down.

Me: “Next call, one of you guys is handling it.”

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