Math Has Been Working For At Least That Long, Yes

, , , , , , , | Working | April 7, 2020

I’m at my local roller derby game, and I decide that a beverage is just right for the occasion.

A local brewery is supplying the beers, and the bar is run by skaters from the league.

I buy two beers, and the total comes to something like $18. I hand the lady a $20 and three dollars in change. She looks at me weirdly and says, “It’s only $18.”

I reply, “It’s so you can give me a $5 note instead of coins.”  

“Oh! That’s clever. Did you work it out when you were queueing up?”

I just let it slide, thank the lovely lady, and leave with my cans.

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Books Have All The Answers

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2020

(An elderly woman comes in off the street and approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello. I was hoping for some advice.”

Me: “Certainly. Are you looking for a gift or something for yourself?”

Customer: “Myself. I recently sold my car and I need to know if I’ve completed all the right paperwork.”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any legal texts in stock covering car ownership—”

Customer: *interrupts* “Oh, no. You misunderstand me. I don’t want a book; I just want advice about my sold car.”

Me: “From me?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “In a bookshop?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I am perplexed, but I play along.)

Me: “Well, did you have insurance on this car you sold?”

Customer: “Yes, I do!”

Me: “You should probably contact the insurance company and cancel it, then; no point paying insurance on a car you no longer own, right? And while you’re there, I would ask them for advice, as they deal with cars all the time and would know more about it.”

Customer: “Thank you! You’ve been so helpful! I’ll go to my insurance company right away! I love bookshops! Everyone is so helpful.”

(She leaves, very happy. A regular turns to me:)

Regular: “Maybe it’s because we read what we have to do about something before we do it.”

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What Awesome Looks Like

, , , , , , | Right | February 13, 2020

I am working the self-serve checkouts, and a little old lady asks me for help. As I check her out, she doesn’t say much, just clarifying that it is credit and she wants to sign. There are no problems with the card, so I go to help out another customer, leaving the lady to make her way to her car.

As I finish with the other customer, I turn around to see the little old lady tearing out of the car park in her pimped-out Hummer, windows down, screaming, “F*** yeah!”

My coworker and I both break down with laughter for the next ten minutes.

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Have A Bad Feeling In The Back Of My Throat About This

, , , , , | Healthy | February 1, 2020

(I am scheduled for a tonsillectomy in the afternoon. My mother gets a call in the morning.)

Nurse: “Is [My Name] all ready for her big surgery?”

Mother: “I guess so; I haven’t heard from her today.”

Nurse: “She hasn’t eaten in the past twelve hours, has she?”

Mother: “I wouldn’t know.”

Nurse: “You should know. She may not be able to have surgery if she ate; it’s too dangerous!”

Mother: “Given that she’s a twenty-seven-year-old woman, why don’t you call her mobile and ask her whether she ate?”

Nurse: *embarrassed silence*

(Most people having this surgery are children, and it’s protocol to call their parents and confirm the surgery. Why they didn’t check the age of the patient before calling my emergency contact is beyond me! It was funny at the time but also a breach of my privacy.)

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Politicians Are The Best Actors Of All

, , , , , | Friendly | December 30, 2019

My dad had a role as an extra for a TV show about the goings-on in the backrooms of parliament.

He was playing a driver for one government minister, and they were filming in and around Parliament House.

Waiting outside the main entrance, dressed the part, and in an official-looking vehicle, my dad waited for the scene to start shooting.

It turns out the delay was the current leader of the opposition coming out of parliament.  

Seeing the car my dad was in, he climbed in the back and directed my dad to take him to the hotel bar where the party members were known to stay when parliament was sitting.

The leader’s staffers and production staff for the TV show all bustled around, trying to get the leader out of the back of the car.

My dad let him know about the filming but told me that he was very tempted to take off and see how far he could get before the police tracked him down.

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