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Volume High, Intelligence Low

, , , , , | Friendly | September 6, 2021

I live in a flat near a woman who disturbs the whole block of flats with her very loud music. When we can’t stand it any longer, a group of us go to ask her to turn it down a bit. Because the music is so loud, it takes a lot of banging on her front door to get her attention. When she finally answers, we can’t talk to her because the music is still far too loud.

I push past her, go into her flat, and turn the volume down so we can talk to her. She looks very surprised.

Woman: “How did you do that?”

I’m a bit slow on the uptake here.

Me: “What?”

Woman: *Very puzzled* “How did you make it go quieter? I have been annoyed by it being too loud since I got it.”

I’m very perplexed, as we all are.

Me: “You just turn the volume control knob and it goes lower.”

Woman: *Even more puzzled* “What’s a volume control knob?”

After a demonstration, she finally came to understand that she could use the volume control to turn the loudness up or down. It appears that no one had ever told her that there was such a thing as a control to change the volume. She thought it was set at one loudness and she had to make do with it.

She still sometimes has her music a bit loud, but it’s nothing like it used to be, and now she can turn it down when we ask her to.

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Not Feeling So Good

, , , , , , | Healthy | August 22, 2021

I went to my doctor for a very minor operation on my hand. He gave me two shots of local anaesthetic and we waited for a few moments for it to work. As soon as the scalpel touched my hand, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Doctor: *Puzzled* “You shouldn’t have felt that. You must be very sensitive. I’ll give you another shot.”

We waited a few minutes again. When the scalpel touched my hand, I jumped again.

Doctor: *Even more puzzled* “You shouldn’t have felt that. I can’t give you any more; it would be a bit risky.”

I just want to get it over and done with.

Me: “It’s not so bad. Go ahead and I’ll try not to react.”

The doctor carefully and successfully finishes the operation.

Doctor: ”Has this ever happened before? It looks like anaesthetics don’t work very well on you.”

Me: “I’ve never had any sort of anaesthetic, full or local, before.”

I drove home, a trip of about an hour. I sat down with a cup of tea, and suddenly, I lost all feeling in my body. Before I could react, I fell asleep. I woke up about three hours later with no apparent after-effects, apart from being worried.

A week later, I saw my doctor for a follow-up and told him what had happened.

Doctor: *Looking very concerned* “I’ve never heard of such a reaction before. It’s a good job it didn’t happen while you were driving home. I think that you had better be very careful about having any sort of anaesthetic in the future. I will put a DANGER note in your medical record.”

I now wear a bright orange “Anaesthetic Risk” medical alert wristband ALL THE TIME!

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It’s About The Aesthetic

, , , , , | Friendly | August 21, 2021

I’m out in the car park one day, admiring my neighbour’s car that is always gleamingly clean and runs perfectly. He is doing something to the engine, which is running. I shout so he can hear me.

Me: “How’s it going? Looks good!”

My neighbour continues peering closely at his car.

Neighbour: “I suppose so, but I’m not seeing very well these days.”

I’m just making conversation and having to shout again.

Me: “Engine runs very well!”

Neighbour: “Yes, it does, doesn’t it? I try very hard to keep it in good condition.”

Although the car is always in perfect condition, always very clean and runs well, it never leaves the car park. My neighbour is legally blind and so hard of hearing that he can’t get a driver’s licence. He can’t drive anyway.

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Uh… Thanks For The Information?

, , , , , | Friendly | August 20, 2021

You meet some strange people when walking about. A stranger in the street asked me:

Stranger: “Do you know the time?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

They looked at their watch.

Stranger: “It’s just gone ten o’clock.”

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It’s Not Easy Being Green

, , , , , | Friendly | August 7, 2021

I’m checking out the new green waste wheelie bins that were delivered to our complex last week when a neighbour comes up and joins me. I read a note stuck on the top of the wheelie-bin.

Me: “It says, ‘For green waste only,’ and there’s a list of what is not to be put into it.”

My neighbour chimes in brightly, going off on a tangent.

Neighbour: “I put my woven bags into the green waste bin to get rid of them when they are worn out.”

I proceed hesitantly, not sure what to say and not wishing to start an argument.

Me: “The bin is only intended for green waste.”

Neighbour: *Cheerfully* “Oh! That’s all right, then! I only put the green bags in the bin, not the other colours.”

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