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Just Don’t Get A Chip On Your Shoulder About It

, , , , , , , , | Working | April 21, 2022

My work leases a laptop, monitor, and accessories for each employee through a third party. Employees submit a ticket for new equipment when the lease expires. When my current laptop is up for replacement, I don’t bother to submit a ticket for a new one. Unlike my previous laptop, this one is still working perfectly well and it seems like a waste to order a new one, especially in the middle of the global chip shortage.

About six months later, I receive an email advising me that the lease has expired, the laptop is out of warranty, and I must order a new one. No problem. I fill out the ticket and hit submit. A few weeks later, I receive an email with an update on my new laptop. Due to supply issues, any available stock is being used to fulfil orders for new staff and lost, stolen, or damaged equipment.

After not ordering a new laptop because of the global chip shortage and then being told I had to order a new one, my order was cancelled due to the global chip shortage.

We Hope That Emergency Wasn’t TOO Urgent

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 16, 2021

My neighbour was sitting watching his TV late in the evening when there was a very loud banging on his front door. Wondering who would be calling at this hour, he opened the door.

Standing there was a man wearing all the anti-[health crisis] gear; mask, scrubs, and a biohazard suit.

Man: “I’m [Man] from Social Services. We got your emergency call, and more help is on the way.”

My neighbour, not knowing what this was all about, looked at him blankly.

Man: “Come on! Let me in so I can start the treatment.”

My neighbour was still looking at him blankly.

Neighbour: “What are you talking about? I haven’t made an emergency call to anyone. No one here is sick. I don’t know who you are, so I’m not letting you in.”

The man was starting to get impatient.

Man: “We got an emergency call from here, [number] at [block of units].”

Neighbour: “You have the right number but the wrong complex. That block is down the road a bit further.”

Man: *Obviously shocked* “Oh, d***. I must have misread the number.”

He grabbed his phone and started talking quickly and loudly as he dashed off.

I hope he found the right person, but you would think that people doing that sort of job would have a better idea of where their clients live.

Maybe We Should Start With “Love Thy Neighbor”

, , , , , | Friendly | December 7, 2021

A recent conversation between my “Christian” neighbour and me went something like this.

Neighbour: “Your Asperger’s Syndrome is God’s punishment for being an atheist.”

Me: “But I had AS before I became an atheist.”

Neighbour: “Then it’s God’s punishment of your parents for their sin of allowing you to become an atheist.”  

Me: “My parents didn’t ‘allow’ me to become an atheist. I chose it myself, so why should my parents be punished for what I did? And why should I be punished for someone else’s sin?”

Neighbour: *Getting adamant* “You shouldn’t question it. It’s God’s will!”

Me: *Being a bit provocative* “Aren’t your God’s plans for the universe ‘ineffable’?

Neighbour: “Yes, that is so!”

Me: “So, how can you know what your God meant to happen to me and why?”

Neighbour: “I’m a Christian so I can understand these things. You are an atheist so you are refusing to understand!”

Me: “I truly would like to understand how you can claim to interpret your God’s ineffable plans for me. To me, that seems like blasphemy.”

My neighbour, speechless, stalked off.

Being charitable, I have to assume she doesn’t know the meaning of “ineffable”.

Bit Of An Overreaction, Don’t You Think?

, , , , , | Legal | October 30, 2021

At around 3:00 am one morning, I’m pulled over for a random breathalyser check. I don’t drink so I’m not worried. It’s just one of those things that happens occasionally, particularly early in the morning.

As I get ready to blow in the meter:

Police Officer #1: “Have you drunk any alcohol in the last three or four hours?”

Me: “No, I don’t drink alcohol. It makes me very depressed.”

I’m trying to keep it light.

Me: “But I had a couple of cups of tea before I left home if that’s going to be a problem!”

[Police Officer #1] gives me a friendly grin, and we do the business with the breathalyser.

Police Officer #1: *Curious* “The reading is all right, but where are you going at this time of the morning?”

Me: “I’m a research student at the university, and I like to get in early so I can get some work done before the phones start ringing and people start wasting my valuable research time.”

Police Officer #1: *Grinning* “Yeah, I can appreciate that. Have a good day.”

Police Officer #2: *Breaking in, angrily* “What about drugs? All university students take drugs.”

Me: “Not me. I don’t like my mind being messed with.”

Police Officer #2: *Getting angrier* “Don’t get smart with me, you b*****d, or I’ll arrest you for failing to answer my questions properly. You must have been taking something!”

[Police Officer #1] looks a bit doubtful about his partner’s attitude. Starting to get a bit upset, I glance at [Police Officer #1].

Me: “I’m not getting smart. I did answer your questions properly.”

[Police Officer #2] starts shouting angrily and reaching for his gun.

Police Officer #2: “Get out of the car, put your hands on the roof, and spread your legs!”

Now I’m starting to get frightened! [Police Officer #1], a sergeant, quickly breaks in and orders his partner to get back in the patrol car.

Police Officer #1: “I’m very sorry about that. I’m going straight back to the station and putting in an official report about him.” *Gives me his card* “If you want to make a formal complaint, give them my name and I will support you.”

I went on my way, shaking. I’d never before been threatened with a gun just because I passed a breathalyser test! Perhaps it’s time I learnt that some people don’t appreciate my weird sense of humour.


This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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Instead Of The Driveway, He Should Just Drive Away

, , , , , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

I’m out for my morning walk. I’m getting on in years and need to be careful where I’m walking. I come upon a car and trailer completely blocking the footpath and sticking well out into a busy road.

I catch the eye of a tradesman working up at the front of the house.

Me: “Don’t you know it’s illegal to park blocking the footpath? And someone is likely to run into your trailer sticking out like that.”

He responds as though talking to an idiot.

Tradesman: “I need to park near where I’m working so I don’t waste my customer’s time walking backward and forward to get my tools.”

Me: *Perplexed and pointing* “But there are a good six metres of empty driveway in front of you. If you moved up there, you would be closer to where you are working.”

The tradesman looked at me, looked at the empty driveway, shrugged, and went back to work, leaving me to risk being run over in the busy street detouring around his vehicle.