Not-So-Smart TV

, , , , | Legal | August 3, 2018

(I work at a big name shipping and retail store. The store is run by the owner, me, and one other coworker. Today it is just the owner and me. A few days previously someone had broken in after hours and stolen several high-value packages off the shelf in the back. We had filed a police report and reviewed the security footage. We did not know this person but our cameras clearly showed her face. Fast forward to today and she comes back. The owner and I instantly recognize her, and the owner goes to the back to call the police while I stall her. The customer storms in and slams down a large box containing a smart TV on the counter; I can hear glass rattling inside.)

Customer: “I picked this up the other day and it’s broken! You owe me $2,000!”

Me: *stalling for time and playing along* “I’m very sorry to hear that; let’s take a look.”

Customer: “It’s broken! What else matters?”

Me: “Well, depending on the extent of the damage, we may be able to replace it. If the shipper insured it, we will have to file a claim describing the nature of the damage.”

Customer: *sighs loudly, clearly annoyed* “Fine, but I don’t see why you can’t just give me the money.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, false claims are very common. Some people will run scams in order to get free stuff. I know it’s a pain, but before we can pay out we have to make sure the claim is legitimate and that the damage was caused by our drivers.”

Customer: “So, I might not get my money back, then? Thats f****** ridiculous! You broke it, so you should pay for it! What kind of dishonest bulls*** is this?”

(This goes on for a good ten minutes with the store’s owner standing by to diffuse the situation if it gets out of hand while we wait for the police. Finally they pull in to the parking lot. At this point the customer is becoming more irate.)


Owner: *chimes in as two officers enter the store* “He has been, ma’am; he did an excellent job stalling you.” *then to the police* “This is her, officers.”

(All the color drains from her face and her mouth drops open to a perfect comical O shape.)

Customer: “Wha… what’s this about?”

Owner: “It’s about the security footage from last Saturday.” *pointing to the cameras*

Police Officer #1: “Ma’am, I need you to put both hands on the counter, and spread your feet.”

(Her eyes dart around rapidly before she makes a break for the front door. [Officer #2] tackles her and she goes down hard, yelling something about police brutality.)

Me: “Looks like they can add resisting arrest to your charges now.”

Owner: “And next time you steal something, it’s probably best not to try to return it to the same store.”

(The total value of all the packages she stole — coupled with a list of other charges from other retail stores in our area — turned out to be enough to send her to prison. The majority was from the smart TV she was trying to get us to cover.)

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Does Not Have A License To Kill Licenses

, , , | Legal | August 2, 2018

(I am buying cigarettes and the worker asks for ID. I’m short for my age so I’m used to people having to check.)

Clerk: “Sorry, but your ID is fake.”

Me: “What? What do you mean?”

Clerk: “This is a fake ID. It’s pink.”

(The thing is, not only is it a legitimate ID, but I have just come straight from the courthouse from renewing it. For some reason the new driver’s licenses are now pink with “FL” across them. I try to reason with him.)

Me: “No, that’s brand new. Look, I even have the receipt for it.” *shows paper*

(The clerk looks at it and laughs.)

Clerk: “Nice try, but it’s too shiny. See? No scratches.”

Me: “I just told you it’s brand new. That’s the license now. I don’t write the laws. The new license has a pink banner.”

(Ignoring me, the little s*** cuts my license up! I pay for gas, ignore his asinine smile, and head back to the courthouse. But guess who gets pulled over on the way there?)

Cop: “License and registration?”

Me: “Well, officer. How about a receipt for a license? And while we’re at it, can you come with me to that gas station?”

(I thought the gas station rep was going to pee his pants when he saw the trooper come with me to the window!)

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This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

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The Mother Of All Legal Advice

, , , | Legal | July 31, 2018

(We have a client whose mother keeps a stranglehold on his activities. He is in his 20s, and so is a legal adult, but any time he dares attempt to escape his mother, she calls around frantically to find help to bring her boy home. During one such episode of freedom, he calls us to demand we not share anything about his case with his mother anymore, which we confirm with him repeatedly each time he calls after that. A month before his hearing, we call him to give him notification of his hearing date, and his mother returns the call to demand information on his case.)

Me: “I’m not able to share any information about [Client] or his case with you without his permission, Mrs. [Mom].”

Mom: “Really! Since when?”

Me: “[Client] asked us to no longer speak with you. I do apologize, but without his permission–”

Mom: “Well, that’s just fine! I’m trying to help him with his disability case, and y’all can’t tell me anything about it? You know he’s at home with me right now, right? I can just tell him to call and ask you, and he’ll give me that information!”

Me: “That may be, but without his permission, I cannot legally give you that information. He would have to be the one to do so.”

Mom: “I’m going to call him right now. Didn’t think I’d know when y’all called, did you? I have his phone! You know he’s not going to that hearing without me, right?”

Me: “Mr. [Client] will have to make that decision. However, if he doesn’t go, then he’s not going to be awarded disability.”

Mom: “Then tell me when his hearing date is!”

Me: “I am not allowed to.”

Mom: “Then he ain’t going, and f*** y’all!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need for that language. I’m doing what was requested of me by your son. Until I get permission from him, I cannot say anything further than that he has a case with us. Okay?”

Mom: “Even if I’m the one helping him.”

Me: “Yes. Even if you’re the one helping him. Let me ask you something, though. You’re so angry about us not giving you information, and I get that. Would you really restrict your own son from possibly getting disability by refusing to take him to his hearing, all because you’re angry at us?”

(She hung up when I asked her that and had her son call us an hour later. I heard her word for word tell him to say, “[Mom] is allowed to know about my case. You are allowed to speak with her. I didn’t mean you couldn’t talk to her when I called, and you were wrong for not telling her anything.” I have a feeling he’s going to move again if he does get awarded.)

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Sue The Lawyer

, , , | Legal | July 30, 2018

Me: “[Lawyer]’s office. How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “He’s with clients right now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to talk to him.”

Me: “I can give him a message, but he won’t be available for a few hours.”

Caller: “Fine, leave a message for him. This is [Caller]. Tell him I want to talk to him about him trespassing on my property!”

Me: “Um, okay. I’ll be sure to give him the message.”

(Thirty minutes later when I answer the phone:)

Caller: “Did you give him my message?”

Me: “No, sir, he is still with clients. I will let him know you called as soon as he has finished.”

Caller: “I want to leave another message. You tell him that he can either talk to me, or he can talk to the sheriff if he doesn’t call me.”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, sir. I will give him the message. However, it will likely be a few more hours before he is even finished with his clients.”

Caller: “You tell him what I said.”

(An hour later, when I answer:)

Sheriff: “This Is [Sheriff]. Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “Is this concerning [Caller]?”

Sheriff: “It is.”

Me: “I apologize, sir. He is not going to be available for a few hours more. As I told [Caller], he won’t be able to call back until he has finished with his current clients.”

Sheriff: “Can you tell [Lawyer] to call me today as soon as he is available?”

Me: “Yes, I will. Does this mean that Mr. [Caller] is not going to be calling us anymore?”

Sheriff: “I can’t promise that he won’t call back, but hopefully this will have calmed down his need to talk to [Lawyer].”

(Two hours later, the lawyer finally finishes with his client, and I flag him down to explain the situation. He instantly groans and starts laughing.)

Lawyer: “Did he really call the police on me? I can’t believe him. I went on his property to talk with his wife about some different property that she was selling. He was angry that I was there to even talk with her, because his name isn’t on the property for sale, so he won’t get any of the money. He called the office twice last night and left a message to complain about me going over there to seduce her and claimed that she was completely upset with my even being there. She was the one that invited me over to talk about selling the land to me! What a jerk!”

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