Sometimes You Just Have To Bear With Them

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 23, 2018

(A bear breaks into our basement. The only reason I know it is there is because the dog is going insane at the basement door. I go downstairs to see what he is barking at, and there is a bear sleeping in the corner. Where I live, animal control is only accessible through the police department. I pick up the phone and call 911.)

Dispatcher: “911. What is your emergency?”

Me: “A bear has broken into our basement and I need animal control to move it.”

Dispatcher: “So you have an intruder in your house?”

Me: “I guess you could call it that.”

Dispatcher: “Are you in a safe place?”

Me: “Uh, no. There is a bear in the basement.”

Dispatcher: “Are they armed?”

Me: “Uh, sort of. They have big teeth and really sharp claws.”

Dispatcher: “Can you give a description?”

(At this point I realize she is just following the emergency response card, and not really listening.)

Me: “Yeah, he looks like Smokey the Bear.”

(She never gets it through her head that we need animal control. Two officers arrive, with their hands on their weapons.)

Officer #1: “Where is the intruder?”

(I think to myself, “That figures. The moron forgot to tell him it’s a bear.” I show the officer the door. He comes back up looking as if he has seen a ghost.)

Officer #1: “Oh, you meant a bear bear?”

Me: “What kind of bear did you think I meant? A big, hairy, gay guy?!”

(Finally they called animal control, who sedated the bear and returned it to the wild.)

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Contract-ed A Bad Case Of Legalese

, , | Legal | June 22, 2018

(I recently pre-ordered a new phone before noticing I could find a better deal direct from the manufacturer. As a result, I call the after-sales support to cancel my original contract within the 14-day period, as enshrined in law in the UK under distance selling laws.)

Agent: “I’m afraid you’ll need to return the product to us within 14 days to cancel the contract.”

Me: “The phone isn’t even released for another three weeks, so I need you to cancel the contract within the 14 days as mentioned in the email you sent me when I placed the order.”

Agent: “No, you need to wait until you’ve got the phone first and then return it or refuse delivery.”

Me: “At which point I’ll be out of the 14-day return period and I’ll have to pay for an £870 phone.”

Agent: “Just ignore that and return the phone when you get it.”

Me: “Are you asking me to breach a legally binding contract between the company and myself?”

Agent: “Just ignore that.”

Me: “I’m assuming your calls are recorded? Please play what you said to your supervisor.”

Agent: “I don’t have to do that, and I can choose not to record a call.”

Me: “It’s okay; I’m recording the call.”

Agent: “You can’t do that; it’s wiretapping and against the law.”

Me: “It’s neither wiretapping nor against the law. Under Section 36 of the 1998 Data Protection Act, I’m allowed to record any phone call under such circumstances and don’t even have to inform you of this.”

Agent: “People like you always think you’re so smart. I’m better than you and don’t have to deal with this. What makes you think you’re better or smarter than me?”

Me: “Well, for one thing, I’m aware of the law that allows me to record this call, the second is you’re asking me to breach a contract, and the third is you’re working in a call centre for minimum wage so I’m betting you probably don’t have a post-graduate in the relevant laws.”

(I eventually gave up and later called their sales support team who were able to cancel the contract inside of a few minutes, with no attitude.)

Breaking Bad Badly

, , , , , , | Legal | June 21, 2018

(I am talking to my boss when a woman says this to one of my coworkers:)

Women: “Hi, this might sound a bit crazy, but you may want to get an officer down here. There is a suspicious container on the street and I’m concerned it may be meth.”

(My coworker relays this to my boss — the owner — and me.)

Boss: “Yeah, we don’t deal with that. You–” *meaning me/senior staff* “–should call the police.”

(I call the dispatch.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] at [Store]. We had a woman report a suspicious container that she is concerned might be meth, so we thought we would call it in.”

Dispatcher: “Yes, I’ll send an officer right down. I need your full name for the report.”

(I begrudgingly give him my whole name, meaning that this whole thing is attached to my name in their system. An officer comes down a few minutes later and I meet him at the back by the container.)

Officer: “This it?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Officer: *picks it up* “If this is meth they suck at it…” *opens and sniffs it* “This is duck sauce; I’m going to throw it away.”

Me: “Okay… Sorry… Thanks…”

(There is a police report with my name that says I reported suspicious duck sauce. Thanks, random lady.)

He Jay-Walked Right Into That One

, , , , | | Legal | June 20, 2018

(I am walking the street when I cross the road about 200 hundred metres from the traffic lights. There are about ten office workers standing around smoking. When I cross there are no cars coming. When I am passing the office workers, a cop runs across the road; by now the lights have changed and three cars have to slam their brakes on to avoid hitting him.)

Cop: “Miss, you just jaywalked. I’m going to have to fine you.”

Me: “What? I’m not within 20 metres of the lights. And if I did, then you did, as well, and almost caused three accidents.”

Cop: “Don’t be a smart-a**e; otherwise, I’ll arrest you for obstructing the course of justice, as well.”

(I’m stunned and not sure what to do.)

Office Worker: “Hey, let him. That way he’ll get into s***. There’s CCTV cameras that would have caught the whole thing, and I’ll back you up.”

Other Workers: “Yeah, me, too.”

Cop: “Um… Well, just don’t do it again.”

(He then crossed again without looking, almost causing another accident. Thanks to the office workers, I wasn’t fined, but I wish I had got the camera footage and taken it further.)

A Previous Offense Helps Out A Recent One

, , , | | Legal | June 19, 2018

(In my state, your driver’s license is suspended as soon as you’re arrested for DUI. The cop actually takes your license card away from you and it’s mailed back later. I’m at the office of the towing company while a guy is trying to get his car back after it was impounded during his arrest last night. He’s gotten stuck at the part of the process where he has to prove it’s his car.)

Worker: “Okay, I just need to see some photo ID.”

Guy: “I don’t have my license. I’m not going to drive it; my friend is here with me and his license is good. He’s going to drive me home.”

Worker: “I can’t release the car to you without some kind of government-issued photo ID to prove that you’re the owner. Driver’s license, passport, military ID…”

Guy: “They took my license and I don’t have anything else. I have to get my car today; I can’t afford to let it sit here until they send it back.” *has a thought* “Wait a minute.” *pulls out his phone and begins tapping at the screen*

Worker: “We can’t accept your Facebook.”

Guy: *still on phone* “No, hang on a sec. This will work.” *finishes whatever he’s doing and shows the screen to the worker*

Worker: “Uh… Yeah, I guess that does count as government identification. Okay, if you head around to the gate they’ll bring your car up in a few minutes.”

(After he left, I asked her what he showed her. It was his name and photo on a sex offender registry site with a .gov address!)

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