The Kids Are Kinder Than Your Complaining Coworker

, , , , , , | Working | May 6, 2021

We are a multinational company, with coworkers from the UK, Germany, and France. Everyone seems to get on really well and most of us socialise outside of work, as well. Part of this is sarcasm and banter. Some of the German guys struggled to understand, but after a few months, they are joining in with everyone.

We’re discussing our kids and families. One of my German coworkers is talking about how great his kids are. It’s all normal parenting stuff.

Me: “Well, you know what they say about German children?”

German Coworker: “No. What?”

Me: “They’re all kind-er.”

German Coworker: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “Kind-er, you know, like kinder. That’s German for ‘children,’ right?”

German Coworker: “Oh, yes, very good. English joke. I get it now.”

We laugh more at how bad my humor is and finish our break. I am dragged into Human Resources that afternoon.

HR: “There’ve been reports that you have been using racially insensitive and bullying language.”

Me: “News to me. What did I say?”

HR: “Err…” *Checking paperwork* “Something about berating one of the German workers about his children.”

Me: “I said German kids were kind-er. Did you actually speak to [German Coworker]?”

HR: “I, err… no. He is next.”

Me: “I suggest you do that, and maybe to the person making these allegations.”

I caught up with my coworker later that week to make sure that he wasn’t actually offended . Surprise, he wasn’t, and he said he felt more part of the team when we treated him like the English workers. The anonymous complainer was spoken to about exaggerating complaints. Hopefully, they got the hint.

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Looking For Some Vitamin Duh

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2021

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell herbals?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean. Are you looking for vitamins, essential oils, or something else?”

Customer: “No, I’m looking for herbals!”

Me: “Okay, well, vitamins are on aisle two, in case that’s what you are looking for.”

Customer: “I don’t want vitamins. I want herbals. You know, herbals? H-E-R-B-A-L-S?”

Yes, he actually spelled out herbals, as if that would clarify the confusion. I sent him to talk to the pharmacist. She came up to me a few minutes later. Guess what he was looking for? Yep, vitamins. Oh, humanity.

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Enunciation Is So Important

, , , , , , | Learning | May 2, 2021

A kindergartner is sent to the principal for writing on his bus seat.

Principal: “Did you write on your seat on the bus?”

Child: “Yes.”

Principal: “Do other kids write on the seats?”

Child: “No.”

Principal: “Do you write on the furniture at home?”

Child: “No.”

Principal: “Then why did you think it was okay to write on the bus seat?”

Child: *Bursts into tears* “Because the driver told us to sit in our ‘signed seats, and mine wasn’t signed!”

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Honestly, I Still Have No Idea What The Number Is

, , , , | Working | April 30, 2021

I work for a small IT company that sometimes handles hardware. Our intern is good at heart but sometimes easily overwhelmed. He is communicating an eight-digit serial number from a piece of hardware to my coworker by speakerphone.

The intern starts out with the first part of the serial number.

Intern: “Hundred-and-ten.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Intern: “Hundred-and-ten.”

There’s some muffled confusion and sighing from [Coworker].

Coworker: “Are you sure? Maybe you mean eleven-zero-one?”

By now, I can clearly see the confusion on the intern’s face, but he steadfastly carries on. 

Intern: “Okay, eleven-zero-one.”

Coworker: *Chuckles* “That’s not one hundred-and-ten is it?”

At this point, I could not help but interject with a jab, “Of course it is, you tool!”

After some silence and, I assume, rereading on the other end, my coworker admitted defeat and agreed. We got a good laugh out of it while he tried to defend himself by saying he’d expected the first part to be four digits.

And that is why you should always go digit for digit, folks, even if “one, one, zero, one” takes longer.

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Everyone Loves Pedantic Coworkers!

, , , , , | Working | April 30, 2021

I work in a formal office setting. Some of my coworkers can be very stuffy and procedural. It can be grating but they are good people. I tend to take a little more time with presentations and emails on important matters, and I avoid any written conversations with those types of people.

I need to catch up with one of “those” coworkers, so drop by his desk. Finding him not there, I write on a post-it.

Me: “Dropped by to catch up on projct slides. Catch you later. [My Name].”

I get on with my other work and said coworker appears at my desk.

Coworker: “Was this your note?”

It has my name on it — a unique name for this office.

Me: “Yes, that’s me.”

Coworker: “I couldn’t really read the writing.”

I don’t have the best handwriting, but it is clearly legible.

Me: “I wanted to catch up with you about the project slides.”

Coworker: “No, I got that much.”

Me: “Okay, well, it’s just—”

Coworker: *Interrupting* “You do realise that you spelt ‘project’ wrong? I mean, it’s not a hard word to write, is it?”

He laughs to himself.

Me: *Pauses* “Okay.”

Coworker: “And to be honest, ‘catch you later’ isn’t really appropriate office language, is it?”

Me: “It’s a post-it note, not a company-wide email.”

Coworker: “I’m just letting you know. So, what did you want?”

Me: “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”

He huffed and puffed but finally left my desk. If he wasn’t such an a**, I would have told him that the project slides he did were based on massively out-of-date information. I ran the same figures and found completely different numbers. As we would be both presenting in the same meeting, he would look the fool, and now I would certainly have the evidence that I was right to take into the meeting.

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