As I am stocking the shelves, I see a Japanese woman shopping with her toddler daughter. The conversation they are having is in Japanese, and I’m smiling as she’s the cutest thing.
Another couple of customers are passing by and attempt to whisper to each other but fail at being quiet.
Customer: *To their friend* “How do Asian babies come out knowing Japanese instead of English?”
I see some customers approaching another checkout lane who have a lot of beer in their cart.
Me: “Excuse me, I can take you over here! The cashier in that lane can’t check out alcohol.”
The customers glare at the clerk in the lane I just pointed out, but they come on over to my lane without incident.
Customer: “Why can’t they check out the alcohol? Is it because they’re a Muslim? If they’re gonna come to this country, they’re gonna have to adapt and get with how we do things here!”
Me: “Actually, it’s because they’re seventeen.”
Customer: “Oh… Well, if they were Muslim they’d still be expected to adapt!”
Me: “Well, I like to adhere to the US motto: ‘Out of many, one.'”
Customer: “Are you trying to be all woke with me? The motto is ‘Land of the free and the home of the brave’!”
Me: “That’s from the national anthem. The motto is ‘Out of many, one.’ E pluribus unum.”
Customer: “Stop speaking that foreign Spanish s***.”
Me: “That’s Latin, and it’s literally on our money.”
Customer: “Not on my money! My money is American!”
They paid with cash, and I resisted the urge to point out the motto on the bills and coins. I know there’s no reasoning with some people.
Related:
E Pluribus Dumbum, Part 3
E Pluribus Dumbum, Part 2
E Pluribus Dumbum
I got woken up between 7:00 and 8:00 am every Saturday by the same bunch asking if I’d found Jesus. At the time, I worked 10:00 pm to 6:00 am six nights a week, and all I wanted of a Saturday morning was sleep! I tried patiently explaining that, and the next weekend was a different couple, same spiel.
I got snarky and told them I didn’t know I was supposed to look for him, too; did he run off with Waldo? The next weekend, I said they should keep better track of him. I continued trying new lines every Saturday morning for weeks before I finally got them to stop…
Strangers: “Sir, have you found Jesus?”
Me: “Yeah, I have, and if you f***ers want him back this time, it’s gonna cost ya, big time!”
They never knocked on my door again.
I am helping some customers (an older couple) at my register when I get a call from the manager asking me to help a Spanish caller. Since I have a headset, I can speak and scan items at the same time, so I assist the Spanish customer, and they hang up satisfied before I turn back to the customer I am serving.
Me: “That’s $188.81, please.”
Customer: “How did you do that?!”
Me: “Do what?”
Customer: “You just spoke another language!”
Me: “Oh, yes, I sometimes help our Spanish customers if they struggle with English.”
Customer: “But… how can you do that?!”
Me: “I’m bilingual.”
Customer: “Does that mean you can write with both of your hands?”
Me: “No, it means I can speak two languages. Writing with both of your hands is ambidextrous.”
Customer’s Husband: “I thought that was arthritis.”
Me: “No, that’s a disease.”
Customer’s Husband: “Being able to write with both hands is a disease?”
Customer: “No, it’s just the Spanish name for it.”
Me: *Frantic* “That’s $188.81, please!”
They (mercifully) pay without getting more confused. My next customer has heard it all and is laughing.
Next Customer: “Aww, why did you stop them? I wanted to see how deep that rabbit hole could go…”
I ask a client for some financial documentation for a deadline, including several accounting reports on a cash-basis — as opposed to an accrual basis. The two are different ways of accounting, to put it in the most basic terms.
The client emails back.
Client: “I cannot send you a CASH-basis Profit and Loss Statement. We do not deal in cash. We take credit cards only.”
I walked away from my computer at that point, walked into my boss’s office, and told him I was mentally done for the day.
