Caught Red (Or White) Handed

, , , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(A customer starts walking out of the store with a bottle of wine clearly sticking out of his sweater. My coworker moves in front of him to block his path.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Coworker: “What do you have under your shirt, there?”

Customer: *pause* “My skin.”

Coworker: “Come on, bro.”

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It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

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Really Gives Me The Heels

, , , , , | Friendly | December 4, 2017

(My friend and I are heading to his car, which is parked in downtown Seattle. We’re approached by a short black man appearing to be in his late 40s with a thick Southern accent.)

Man: “Y’all got any money you could lend me? I’m here visitin’ from N’awleans, see, and my car got impounded. I’m trying to raise money to get it out of impound.”

(My friend and I have only a moment to start the normal “Sorry, can’t help you” spiel we give panhandlers, but the guy quickly continues.)

Man: “See, I’m visitin’ from N’awleans. Y’all got a gorgeous city here, though. It is absolutely gorgeous.”

Friend: “Yeah, it’s pretty when the weather is good.”

Man: “Yeah, they ain’t been no rain while I been here; it’s been gorgeous. You know what else is gorgeous? Y’all’s women! Man, they fine! Y’all got some good lookin’ women in Seattle, but I’m a short man and they so tall! What they puttin’ in your water makin’ these women so tall?”

Me: *laughing* “Not sure, man.”

Man: “You know what else, though, ’bout this city, is these heels is killin’ me!”

(My friend and I both look at his shoes — normal sneakers — expecting to see pumps or platforms or something.)

Man: *feigning offense* “Now, why you people always be looking at my feet when I talk about y’all’s heels? Huh? I said, ‘heels!’ Not, ‘heels!’”

(We’re both getting confused.)

Man: “Man, how you white people say it?” *he stiffens up, straightens his shoulders, and does a faux Napoleon pose with his hands, then speaks in a deep, mockingly formal-sounding voice* “HILLS!” *he relaxes* “Y’all’s heels! See? They killin’ me!”

(The animated way he conducted himself was so entertaining to us we couldn’t help but give him some money. Hope he got his “car” out of “impound.”)

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Unfiltered Story #101107

, , | Unfiltered | December 3, 2017

Cashier: “Your total comes to $5 [and change].”

Me: *only having a $5 bill in my wallet, I turn to my wife who’s distracted with our baby* “Honey, do you have another dollar?”

Wife: “Huh? Another dollar? I thought it cost $4.95–oh duh, tax! I forgot! Just a second.”

Cashier: *condescendingly* “Yeah, tax. You know, how we pay for our *schools* and our *roads*” *rolls her eyes*

Wife & Me: “. . .”

(The worst part is that the drinks weren’t even that good).

Their Training Must Have Been Comped

, , , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(We have patronized a particular drive-in restaurant in our hometown for some time. The food is good, but the servers aren’t always the most knowledgeable. On a previous visit, the server forgot some side ingredients for my wife’s taco salad, so they wrote in their book that we were to receive a free one on our next visit. At our next visit:)

Server: *bringing our food to our car* “Okay, your total is [total].”

Me: “And that’s with the taco salad comped, correct?”

Server: *looking at receipt* “Yes!”

(I pay and receive the food and receipt. She leaves, and only then do I notice that we’ve paid for the taco salad. I go back in the restaurant and find the server.)

Me: “I thought you said the taco salad had been comped?”

Server: “It was! See, it’s listed right there on the receipt!” *pointing to the line where the item was listed at its regular price*

Me: “No, it’s supposed to be no charge.”

Server: “Oh… is that what ‘comped’ means? I thought you were asking if you’d ordered it!”

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