Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 16

, , , , | Right | November 2, 2017

(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)

Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”

Me: “Not anytime soon.”

Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”

Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”

Nurse: “More than you’d think.”

Following The Rules Is Just Phoning It In

, , , , | Working | November 2, 2017

(I get a call from my girlfriend’s phone saying that it has been found on the bus and has been turned in to the lost and found. I message my girlfriend to let her know. She calls them and learns that they open after she starts work, so she tells them that I will pick up the phone. I go in the next day.)

Me: “I’m here to look for a lost phone.”

Receptionist: “Do you have a reason to believe we have it?”

Me: “I got a call saying the phone had been turned in. I suppose it might not have been turned in yet.”

(The receptionist looks in the box of phones. I describe it and the woman starts handing it to me.)

Receptionist: “Did you lose it on bus [number]?”

Me: “I think that’s the bus she would have been on, yes.”

Receptionist: “This isn’t your phone?”

Me: “Well, no, but my girlfriend called to say I would be picking it up.”

(The receptionist goes to her computer.)

Receptionist: “I don’t have an email except the one that says the phone was found.”

Me: “Well, yeah, she called the number. Unless you want to open up three hours early just for her, she can’t get it in person.”

Receptionist: “Well, thank you for being honest, but you can’t pick up things for your friend. Can you get her to contact us?”

Me: “If she has to come in and give permission, she will pick it up herself.”

(I understand following the rules, but the website gave a number to call, not an email address.)

A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much

, , , , | Healthy | November 2, 2017

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

If You Cut The Line We Cut The Cheese

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(The store has multiple cash registers, but only one line. It is very busy, and I am in line, when a woman pushes her way past everyone else waiting and starts unloading her basket at a register that still has another customer trying to finish their purchase.)

Cashier: “Miss, you need to go back and wait in line, please.”

Customer: “No! I’m in a hurry, and I don’t have time for that!”

(The argument started. While the cashier was trying as best she could to get the woman to act like a reasonable adult, the guy in front of me wandered over next to the rude woman, circled back, and in a quiet voice muttered, “That’ll teach her!” and walked back towards the sales floor. No one else in line had any idea what he had done until the woman started yelling and gagging from the horrible “crop dusting.”)

What A Gift Of A Complaint

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(We have a customer leave us the following comment card:)

Comment: “I would appreciate it if you would lower the water level in your commode. As someone who is gifted with an unusually long sexual organ, it’s quite uncomfortable for it to dip into the water.”